Lord Byron Part 7: Three Blind Mice (and Mary)

Rico....Suuuuaaaavvvveeeee....this week's episode of the Bachelor started off with LB in a foxy rumpled red shirt and greased back mullet. He's off to the ladies' home turf to have individual dates with the remaining wifely candidates.

Date #1: Ride the Bull
This date is with Tonya in a bar in Plano, Texas. Wait, make that a barn. On the way to the bar, we see the highlights of Plano, including a cow, a horse, and a water tower. At the bar, we meet four of Tonya's best friends: Mandy, Becky, Alison, and Kathleen, all of whom have the same haircut and haircolor as Tonya. Mandy, a throaty blonde in a fishnet top, says that she can see the "contentment and sparkle" between Tonya and Byron. She asks him if he is in love with Tonya, to which LB responds, "well, it's a relief to be around her." To punctuate his relief, LB consents to "ride the bull," at the bar. Tonya is delighted because he's "not from Texas, so he's not used to bull riding." That's like saying someone isn't from Indiana, so they aren't used to tipping cows. Anyway, LB apparently can't ride a bull as long as Tonya, but he certainly can dish it as they talk about how he can't get enough of her kisses (despite dinner of onions and cheese). The date ends with slurpy kisses on the sofa.

Date #2: Wanna go to the Dugout?
Okay, you know how there are some people that you tell to jump and they go about 2 inches in the air even as their butts seems to slam down on the pavement below? This is apparently Mary. She may be athletic, she may have a great arm, but the woman is lead. She met Byron at a baseball field for date #2, where she slammed into him in the guise of "jumping" into his arms, nearly knocking him off his feet. They threw a few balls and then went to the dugout, where Mary brought up her favorite subject (kids) and told LB that they were going to her friends Mark and Lisa's (and their kids) house to visit.

Enter the first crisis for LB: Mary used to date Mark! Never mind his married state, several children, and shockingly ugly Carson Daley vertical stripe shirt--LB still feels threatened. He compensates by picking invisible lint of Mary's face a la grooming monkey during their visit. After this little interrogation with Mark and Lisa, the couple have dinner at Mary's house. Enter crisis #2: Mary isn't sure if she wants him to meet her parents because they were so heartbroken over (what else) Bachelor Bob. However, her indecision does give her a great opportunity to make out with LB on the couch.

Date #3: Oooo, the dolphins are sooooo beautiful!!!!!!!
BTH is the name of the game on date #3 with Cindy, during which I'm sure we all went deaf from the screetches, shrieks, and squeals. LB and the Horse Whisperer had a picnic on the beach, where they saw dolphins and she had the same reaction that she had two episodes ago, screaming and running towards the water. How fortunate that LB could save her from the undertow by grabbing her breasts and holding on. Perhaps after six seasons of the Bachelor, I have become too jaded, but I believe some women need to distance themselves from their inner child. But anyway, it was at this moment that this reader realized the Cosmic Attraction Cindy has for Byron: he looks like a dolphin! For example, LB was wearing a form-fitting sky-blue sleeveless T-shirt and a substantial amount of hair gel in order to achieve the Wet and Wild look. At the end of this date, Cindy revealed to her friend Tamara that she "has been bitten" and warns Tamara that she shouldn't try to cut in because Cindy has "sprayed her territory." Cindy later sums up the date, "My friends love Byron, and we saw dolphins!"

For dinner, Cindy takes LB to a special spot: the site of a new restaurant where she is an investor. She and LB share a romantic take-out dinner with red plastic college keg-party cups and talk in the "intimate"setting, which is essentially an echoing cavern with palm trees inexplicably painted on the unfinished walls. Cindy reveals that in the five dates she has had with LB, her "life has changed so much" and that she "can't even describe how real it is." LB reassures her that what they have "isn't what he has with the other women." They wind up kissing on a blanket at the beach, and afterwards she starts to cry and says to the camera that she knows her feeling for him are "true."

Finally, we have the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever, in which Cindy STILL has not learned that she shouldn't wear sequins. She shows up in this black sequin halter (akin to the pink sequin halter from last episode) and some sort of see-through black palazzo pant that short women like me can't wear. Mary is in a very typical red dress, mercifully without the big hair flower. But Cindy...oh Cindy, she is again in the land of Disney with an Ursula dress from the Little Mermaid, all cut in strips straight up to her fancy. During her last minute discussion with LB, Cindy also brilliantly says that "totally immersed" is a good "word" to describe how she's feeling.

In the end, LB picks....Mary, who cries like a baby, and Tonya! Saying goodbye to Cindy, LB narrates a little yearbook message, in the words of my friend Kasey: "Don't ever change because you're the best!" Stay the same! See you next year!

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All and Cindy experiences a complete post-rose ceremony breakdown. She will never love again.