Lord Byron Part 6: What's Your Fantasy?

In 1993, I wore my hair all up with loose tendrils falling forward. I thought it looked so pretty and my mom was like, "what's wrong with your hair?" And a few hours later, the delicate tendrils ended up looking like Greasy Worms and I knew my mother was right. It's too bad Byron didn't have my mother keeping him in line, because boy howdy, did he ever go wrong with the GW mullet this episode.

Anyway, episode six was all about Byron's Fantasy Dates with the four remaining women: Mary, Tonya, Cheresse, and Cindy. The big "twist" from the previous seasons is that the women held the Fantasy Suite Invitations, instead of LB. Oooo.

In a sensitive American nod to our French cultural heritage (french fry, anyone?), Mary and LB had the first date at Chateau Whistler. The Chateau was in some woodsy location where the happy couple were going to do some "extreme sports and trekking." While no sherpa was to be found, Mary and LB did get hooked up to a zip line by some guy with an inexplicably Australian accent who informed them that he had been doing this since April, so it was perfectly safe. (For all you non-climbers out there, a zip line is a wire really high off the ground that you use to "zip" to the other side by riding a pulley). Mary pretty much showed LB up, performing all sorts of fantastical gymnastics on the zip. She even managed to look cute in her helmet. He was turned on, and offered to pick her wedgie for her.

It was on this date that we became introduced to the Breast Test Hug, this ingenious sort of "I'msohappyIcan'tcontainmyself" gesture in which LB clutches the woman to his chest as they both face the same direction and LB has at least one hand solidly on her breast. Prior to sharing multiple BTH's with Mary, Byron also displayed his yoga prowess through doing a Warrior pose sideways lunge on which Mary was precariously balanced as they kissed against the fence preventing them from falling into the tumultuous water below. Yawn.

In the end, Mary overcame her fears from yet more Bachelor Bob Flashbacks (remember the slumber party?) to invite LB into the fantasy suite for the evening. How predictable. I know we're supposed to like Mary, but the whole thing was just way too dramatic for me.

Date two was with in Vancouver with Pogo Barbie. LB and Tonya rode around town on those funky scooters that move in whatever direction you move. Tonya had not learned her lesson from last week's black sequined debaucle, and so she was wearing a hot pink sequined halter top, which did not impress us.

During dinner, Tonya revealed her big secret to Byron: She voted for Jay on episode one!!! LB was totally cool with it and even invited Tonya upstairs to see a surprise: some singer named Cherique giving herself a BTH as she sang them a solo to instrumentals by...John Tesh? We never did get a clear view to confirm they mystery man. Then afterwards, of course Tonya invited LB to share the fantasy suite, where he made a big production out of feeding her chocolate strawberries.

Ever eaten a chocolate strawberry? It isn't romantic. It's kind of melty and gets stuck in your teeth and then you smile with a giant choco-strawberry chivey hanging down and the guy is supposed to go all weak in the knees and kiss you. I don't think so. Whether out of lust or pity for the crap in her teeth, LB concluded that he just wanted to hold Tonya in his arms all night.

Date number three was with Cheresse in...Sauce-ah-lee-to, which is how I like to spell it when I'm this tipsy. They went boating, and Byron copped so many BTH's that I can't even note them all. We love Cheresse and this date seemed to go really well, but in an indication of what was to come, Cheresse chose NOT to invite LB into the fantasy suite. She reasoned that she wouldn't go to some hotel room with a guy in real life on the fifth date, so why start now. Did I mention that we love Cheresse?

And speaking of foreshadowing....LB and Cindy stayed at the "Mission Inn" in Sonoma, California for the fourth and final date. Cindy brought LB swedish fish and night crawlers as a present, and they drank wine in those big glasses that one always thinks one's supposed to float a flower in and not drink from. Then, they had a "water massage." Remember the beginning of Magnum, P.I., where Magnum is teaching the woman how to "swim" and really staring at her ass? That was SO the water massage.

After the massage, Cindy asked LB what kind of dress she should wear to the date...sophisticated, whimsical, or sexy. LB said "whimsical or sexy," and at this point, we were introduced to a new Disney character: Heidi-Ho.

Heidi-Ho had more eye shadow on than a midwestern drag queen, and her dress was criss-crossy in the front and back, with shredded bits of material on the bottom a la Airstreamers Mobile Home Convention (think cut up t-shirts with beads on the ends). She was obviously very drunk, talking about "bigger powers" and how "no words could describe" how she was feeling and how she wanted LB to "read her note..." about coming up to the fantasy suite. Of course he says yes because he doesn't even have to do a BTH to know that she is falling out of her top.

In the limo on the way to the fantasy suite, however, Cindy feels insecure and brings up LB's ex-wife. They proceed to have some sort of weird fight that involves sitting in each other's laps (standard pose), shouting at each other, and kissing all at the same time. But they make up in time to make out in the fantasy suite, where LB feeds her chocolate strawberries because he apparently wasn't grossed out enough the first time around.

For the rose ceremony, LB picks....Tonya, Mary, and Cindy. NOOOOOOO. Suddenly, life is not worth living. Cheresse got the axe. We love Cheresse and are relieved that she can go on to someone with better hair, but we mourn her loss all the same.

Stay tuned for next week, when LB panics as the choices get tougher and he faces the families and friends of the remaining women on their "Hometown Dates."