Jen Part 1: Smells Like Meat

So today, my apartment smells like meat. Not like "oo, I just cooked bacon." More like, "Mmm, I haven't taken my trash out in over a week, and was that smoked deer from my boss that my boyfriend spit into the trash?" And so begins the Bachelorette Episode #1.

The Bachelorette this season is staged in New York, with extensive piano jazz playing in the background, and a bizarro "Bachelorette" pad that has a rug design that pretty much looks like a Reinactment of Conception. The first episode begins with a promo of our Bachelorette, former Bachelor-contestant Jen: or, as I like to call it, "where we find out if she's had any work done." We learn that she has not had any work, despite the apparent gravity-defying nature of her wobblies, but that she HAS had mall bangs in her life. Big, giant mall bangs. We also learn that she "really loved being engaged to Andrew Firestone." Says my viewing companion Kasey, "Ooo, I loved going to Six Flags!" We also learn that she runs for exercise. We instantly hate her.

First part of hour one is Jen's involvement in the screening process. We see shocking clips of a 35-year-old man "beat boxing" (WTF????) for her, a man who does "tongue tricks" (not kidding here), and my favorite, Chris. Chris is from Arkansas. The highlight in his county most recently is the new post office. It's real nice. We also get to meet Jen's best friends, blonde Bobsy twins Abby and Michelle. Abby thinks that the Eiffel Tower is in New York. She also comments, giggling, that maybe the book of the 25 bachelors is the start to Jen's wedding album. Only in Arkansas.

The night of the cocktail party, in which Jen meets her guys, is like Naked Britney in that recent music video with the spangleys. She's a slaaaaavvvee, for them. But the big secret is....Abby and Michelle are covert as bartenders!!!!! Oooo. We are treated to a gratuitous shot of Michelle in a strapless bra, which leads this viewer to ponder why on earth a woman would dare to risk the quadra-boob-generating nature of a strapless bra when she is wearing a fully -covering bartender's uniform. These things we will never fully understand. Anyway, we do at last meet the final 25 guys.

A few years back, I was walking down the street in my 8th grade gym shorts when this truck slowed down and this guy leaned out. He screamed at me, "ooooo--eeeeee, ain't you jist the purtiest thang walkin'!" This was apparently Chris, who has miraculously made it onto the Bachelor. His dad owns a liquor store, and shit, his horses better be able to run like he can drink. Damn straight.

We also meet the beginnings of a bad joke: "Two virgins, two skiiers, a welder, and a french man walk into a bar..." And they all look exactly the same. Would the real Slim Shady please stand up? Specifically, a few of these fine specimins are:
1) Ryan, a teacher and Mr. Male Perm.
2) Josh, who says that Jen doesn't want a nice guy. No, she wants a Warrior and a Lover." Thank you, Bob Jones. Josh, as you might guess, is Virgin #1.
3) Chris. He licks his finger, paints the air, and says Jen is smokin. "Ow!"
4) Ryan the attorney. Ding Dong.
5) Stu--who is completely obsessed with Jen, but who is a Distance Hugger. Let no Privates touch.
6)Andy--a skiier who "needs a lady."
7) Michael, who brought her a teddy bear. I hate teddy bears (think "clown"), so I am not impressed.
8) Febreeze. Oh wait, I mean "Fabrice." He came from "Paris...in France...." I'll let Abby know.
9) Matt, my beloved attorney from New York. We love him because he doesn't like "girls who are just dumb." We forgive him for calling us "girls."

So then we have a couple conversations with Jen. Jerry, the artist from New York, carries her down the stairs (yikes). Febreeze thinks Jerry is a big fake. Stu is a s-s-s-stalker . Eric from New York asks one of Jen's friends out for later that night. Chris says he "lohves Jen's Hahhhirr" and that he was flunked out of air school so he became a hair stylist. And John Paul breathes when he talks. "Ah wouhld lihke to mahhry youhng. I thihhhnk thaht wouhd be fuhn."
And finally, it is a the Rose Ceremony. Says Kasey, "She has to pick a skiier and a virgin."

Our host, Chris Harrison, reveals that the bartenders were really Jen's friends. And then Jen picks the remaining 15 "lucky" guys: Mr. Male Perm (Ryan), A.W. (Gollum), Matt (woo hoo!), Ryan from NY, Wendell, Mark (who looks like a Salmon) and......

oh wait, David just fainted! David bit the reproductive carpet dust. But Mr. Salmon is quick to get him a drink so he's okay. Alas, he never ends up getting a rose, as the final roses go to a couple guys I was too distracted to write down and....

Ben (the requisite skiier), John Paul, Jerry, Jason, Josh (the requisite virgin), Febreeze, Michael, and Stu. Damn.

Stay tuned for next week, when things heat up. And I promise, the names get easier as Jen narrows it down to the 10 luckyish guys.