Lord Byron FINALE: We've got a problem. We've got a real problem.

Apologies to you all--it's Thanksgiving, and due to turkey and the overwhelming clunkerness of this season's finale, I had not the will to continue my updates.

The two-hour finale began with "Barbara and Jenna," two equally informative and undistinguishable dates. In LB's Barbara date, Byron's parents come to visit, so that they can meet Mary. Not much to say about LB's dad, other than that he looks a bit like a walrus (but a nice one. honest) and calls LB "Byron Paul." A lot. However, like the former first lady and her son, LB is obviously his mother's child. In addition to sharing the same jowel line, LB and his mother also have the same wrap-around ray-bans that I got from my Aunt Merta's estate sale when I was a kid. You know the kind of old-woman sunglasses that are not only glasses in the front, but also have sunglass panelling on the sides? Yeah.

Anyway, there's all sorts of tension and crisis because Mary, in a gauzy gray tablecloth, doesn't know if she's going to bring her parents to meet LB's family because she was so hurt by (of course) Bachelor Bob. But then, (of course) she comes around to it, which is _very_ meaningful to LB. Mary's parents are from Cuba and don't speak any English, and so most of the evening is spent with Mary and multi-talented Byron translating for his parents. Mary pulls LB's mom aside for one-on-one time, she confesses her love, blahdy blah. Date over.

Afterward, LB's dad is like "We've got a problem. We've got a real problem if Tonya is as great as Mary." This line would impress us, except that we have heard it ten times already in various teasers for the finale.

For a description of LB's "Jenna" date with Tonya, just read the last paragraph over and substitute "Tonya" for "Mary." Except, Tonya brought her mom, Heidi, from Texas. Heidi gasped in horror when learning that LB was 40. And this time, LB's mom pulled Tonya aside for one-on-one time, eliciting the same confession of love and "filling of her heart" from Tonya that Mary had expressed the previous day. Yawn.

LB's hometown dates were slightly more interesting, if only for his friends, Jason & Keri and Mike & Monica. Byron's first date, with Tonya, featured a hot pink halter top with some sort of mystery sports bra underneath that kept this viewer wondering how she wore that thing. But the date suddenly turned into an episode of Friends in which Monica, who is really a deep-bosomed Holly Hunter in a horrible palm tree wrap and halter combo lead Tonya off for some deep discussion on their pontoon boat. This viewer got the suspicion that Monica knew LB in high school, as she repeatedly reminded him that he looks happier than he's ever been, even since high school, and that he always was a joker, even in high school.

Somehow sensing that the ABC viewership was about to be lost in rememberances of band camp, Tonya single-handedly brought us all back to attention when later that night, she said she just "Loves watching Byron cast it off." I think she meant his rod.

Mary's date also featured a halter top, of the camo variety. She acted all the jealous girlfriend, asking how his previous date was and then saying "But you weren't with me!" when he told her his date was great. Mike of the Mike & Monica has a hard time with Mary because maybe Mary just wants to win, but Mary ultimately won him over when, with tears in her eyes, she explained how Byron came to her rescue at the infamous slumber party (aka "giraffe pee" incident). We are unimpressed, but helpless to prevent them from making out in a helicopter as they flew over Hoover dam later that night.

At Byron's house later that night, LB shows Mary his Harley. It has a purple seat with orange flames on it. One of mens' greatest myths is that women will believe any Harley is cool, regardless of what it look like. Let me tell you, LB might as well put streamers on the handlebars and write "girl power" on the side of that machine, in my humble opinion. But it apparently did enough for Mary, who made out with him wildly on the sofa
"ooo, next to a roaring fire, and his bassboat," according to M, my reluctant viewing companion who looked up from Rolling Stone long enough to make that observation.

Finally, after some morning journal time in which Tonya seems to be in full face, it's time to prepare for the ring ceremony. LB picks out a ring as Tonya and Mary get ready, and then Mary bawls in the limo the entire way because she's worried her heart will get broken. And then: the moment....LB is waiting on an island in the middle of the pool....candles are lit.....Tonya walks down....

and M says, "What's up with his wet mooostache? He's got sweat beads or something."

This makes me realize that there are hazards to watching the Bachelor with boys. Anyhow, LB does this whole summary of his relationship with Tonya "remember when....yeah. Oh, and remember when....that was good. But remember when...." And then the shoe drops: He says to her, (boys out there: NEVER say this to a woman.): "I only have a problem with how I haven't fallen in love with you." NOOOOO. She got the axe, and was whisked away in the limo.

Then, damn it, Mary comes down. She confesses her crazy, mad love for LB. She also reveals her love of bondage, as she continually wraps LB's hands behind her back, binding her wrists. He proposes in a long drawon out way, and then Mary says, oh and this is so romantic, "I love you Byron Paul." Mood-Killer Matt, my erstwhile viewing buddy, then piped up, "Byron Ball???? What's that about." SHhhhh.

And the show concludes with LB saying, "I've definately found my mute."

After the finale, we had a bonus hour of "After the Final Rose." This was a completely lame moment in which Mary and LB are reunited. LB, flowing hair in the studio breeze, scoops Mary up exclaiming "Mery, ach, Mery" in a scottish accent. Oh wait, that's how M described it. I think it was more "Mary, oh Mary." A few Oh Mary's later, LB whips out his journal to read about when he "first knew" Mary was the one. Ahem. "She's here in a rush of wind. A strong spiritual gust of electrically charged wind." Oh, the romance.

After the joyful reunion, Tonya comes out to confront Byron. Apparently, on the night the axe fell, he had told Tonya "8-10 days" when she asked how long he had known who he would pick. Again: men, don't ever do that to a woman. You lie. Lie through your teeth. Anyway, they make amends when he clarifies that he _really_ meant that his feelings for Mary had intensified 8-10 days before the final rose ceremony. Okay, so that made it better.

At the end, we had a great question from a male in the Live Studio Audience, "So, Mary, what are your wedding colors?" Mary and LB were also awarded with a 2005 Pontiac G6 as a wedding gift.

As this season's bore of a Bachelore roled to a finale, we are left with an out-take from Mary's last date with Byron, in which Mary picked the chivey from his teeth. As always, leaving a taste in our mouths for next season.

Stay tuned for the Bachelorette, which starts this January 10. Hopefully, it will be more interesting.