Jen Part 2: Blue Ribbon Standard

Dear viewers,

Bachelorette Episode #2 begins on the conception rug, where the men anxiously await their Video Invitation to Date #1. When the video arrives, Jen reads from a script "We will be sightseeing in New York...and I would like to thank the academy..." into the video monitor. Febreeze, Ben, Michael, Ryan from New York, Wendell, and some other guys get ready. We get to see a bit 'o plumbers butt from Wendell, but this is forgiven because he's sort of goofy and endearing.

And then we have Fashion Crisis #1. Jen shows up wearing a tapestry/matador costume for the first group date. She can be their hero, baby, in the words of Enrique. Her coat is this weird black knee-length embroidered thing that laces up across the chest because god knows one must expose the "girls" to the elements when it is 20 degrees outside in New York.

Anyway, she and her gaggle of men get on a boat, where the men cluster around her in abject and adoring attention, asking all sorts of questions about why things didn't work out with former Bachelor Andrew, what she's looking for, etc. This is very obnoxious and completely atypical of this viewer's experiences with men of this ilk, but the whole thing is rendered somewhat tolerable by the oh so smooth chocolatey tones of Ryan from New York. Yes, Please. But our favorite part of this little boating trip was the subtitles for Febreeze, because, you know, he's french and all. "Our cultuuuure is very flirteee. We ehxprehss our emoshuns, you know..." He says something to Jen in French, and then translates, "your father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes." Jen says that this is "sweet and cute....and lame," making us love her and instantly forgive her for running for exercise.

It is also at this moment that we realize who Skier Ben reminds us of. Billy from grad school. Billy is a 40+ male who looks 25, has small puffy eyes and a dark comb over. Billy could also talk the ear off a camel. Instantly, we step back.

At last, the boat trip ends with Jen being wrapped in a blanket by one of her many suitors. God knows why she couldn't cover herself to begin with, but maybe hearing about how Ben wants to run for public office, some other guy is a "mama's boy" and somebody else wants impromptu dance lessons made her need to loosen her stays.

Date #2 is Jen's first one-on-one. You know how the best cow at the fair gets a big-ass blue ribbon? Jen's dress was a cross between my junior high swim suit, which had one real strap and one tie over the other shoulder, and the Mighty Cow award, only gray. We've never liked assymetrical dresses and are particularly embarrassed by the junior high swimsuit, so we look askance at said dress. At least it wasn't red with stars, like the offending swimsuit.

But for date #2, Jen picks Keith, who is simply way too toothy and puts this viewer on edge. He is also a welder....and an artist. Oh dear. They go to a hotel suite, where they are entertained by a piano concert played by William Shatner and enjoy stilted conversation until Jen snaps and explains that she is completely not being herself and totally stressed about having to send half of the 14 remaining men home. We know that we should care about this, but we are suddenly stuck on the word "14," as we previously thought 15 men were still remaining in the game. Keith vows to make her comfortable, but he says "between me and Jen," thereby exhibiting poor grammer and sealing his fate as a man this viewer would never date. But him and Jen leave the "intimate' date with greater understanding of each other.
Oh, the romance.

The video to Date #3 is like one of those really bad dating service videos. Jen shows up in a Nicks jersey that barely covers her Fancy and blue high heels. The men repeatedly slow the video down and replay the part where it shows her legs.

On game day, Stu informs Jen that he "knows the kind of person she is from meeting her for five minutes" and wants to know her favorite color, favorite ice cream, whether she likes peanut butter or not, and so forth. He's an attorney, so that explains a lot. Firefighter Matt is worried that he's dropping the ball because he's very attracted to Jen, but very shy. At least there is Wendell, who, plumber butt and all, we love because he admits that he has a bit of a crush on Jen. Of course, he then says he wants a "girl" who is kick ass. Why, oh WHY, Wendell???

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the men appear to be playing horse outside, causing the police to threaten the overly-rowdy candidates with "You make me come back again and somebody's gettin' arrested." Mike the teacher says, "One minute I was eatin' a ham sandwich, and the next minute the police were here!" Hats off to Mike. So glad he is the educator of our children.

So the men settle in for a little fireside chat on the conception rug, where Febreeze says that Josh will not get a rose because he is "stoopid." Josh counters back with how Febreeze cannot even begin to imagine the depths of him. He was given a Warrior's heart, dammit, and he's going to be Jen's Warrior and her Lover.

A word about Josh: he's got a Ken doll comb-over, with a little Jerry curl at the end. He also answered the door bare chested when Jen showed up for the first date. We are so forcibly reminded of another Josh the Baptist from our own life that we shield ourselves with Ben.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Jason reveals that he is saving himself for marriage, Mr. Firefighter Matt wants Jen to kiss his Nicks ticket and sign it, which completely freaks Jen out, and John Paul displays _really_ crunchy hair. Mark, a tanorexic Rod Stewart, gives Jen a "Guardian Angel" that matches the one is belated mother wore, and that is similar to his. In showing her his angel, he also reveals a "live strong" bracelet. The man just needs garlic around his neck and he'll be all set.

In the end, Jen picks an entirely rotten lot of men, bypassing all the semi-decent ones except Wendell for
1) Febreeze
2) Billy from grad school/Ben
3) Keith (who we moderately like, as we are sure he will be here for a long time and we might as well make the best of it)
4) Ryan from California
5) Jerry the artist who carried Jen on day #1 (nooo)
6) John Paul (nooooo)
7) Josh the Warrior Lover (NOOOOOOO).

Stay tuned for next week, when one guy pretty much sticks his head up the ass of another guy in a rather intense game of four-on-four basketball.