Charlie Part 2: My Evil Plan is Working

Welcome to the Bachelor: Episode Two, in which we learn that "flaming psycho" is a far more useful descriptive phrase than previously appreciated.

What better way to illustrate this point than with Krisily. Krisily is what we call a Closet Reverse Mall Banger. Each time Charlie is in the room, the bangs are windswept or curling off to one side. Each time he is away, we are blinded by the mini-mullet thickly hanging over the entirety of her forehead, nearly to the unfortunate lip of the ill-planned turtleneck she is wearing with her stone washed jeans. Krisily is also an Instigator of Many Things Evil, as she manages to make Kerry, the mergers & acquisitions chick, cry within the first five minutes of the show through tactics more common to Dog the Bounty Hunter. There's gonna be some "big fuckin' fights" in this house.

Thank God innocent Charlie is too busy making finger puppets out of the womens' pictures to notice. As the women gear up for the 2 individual and 1 group date that is to come, we see that Charlie has drawn sunglasses on the picture of Danushka and is now dancing it around the other women's pictures ranting in a high-pitched voice decidedly dissimilar to the Big D's. He is obviously not concerned about the new rule that he must give the women a rose on their one on one date (this does not apply to group dates) or they go home that night.

The one on one dates are with the two people rated "most compatible" on paper with Charlie: Megan and Sarah W, our previous favorite. Before the dirt on Megan's date, this viewer must say a word on computer match ups: Never check the box that says you like "nature" because you will get hooked up with a trench-coat wearing D&D playing guy named "Forest." Just a little FYI.

Anyway, my dim view of such systems is only confirmed when Megan, a natural brunette and University of Florida graduate, decides to dye her hair blonde for her date. "Wills are tuhrning," in her pretty little head about making herself stand out, she drawls. To achieve this Transformation, she hires "Caesar," this scroatee-growing "top stylist" (whatever that means) with this THING around his neck. It takes this reader nearly the entire segment to realize that it is not a dead animal, but my grandmother's scarf tied once around his ponytail and thrown causally over one shoulder. Ohhhh. After his magic, Megan pretty much looks like Britney Spears in a bustier with a ruffle around the top, polka dot coat, and rhinestone earrings. When she says she's going to "bring it" in this get-up, we can only hope she will at least bust out a few moves. But no. After all this and a date we barely see, Chuck decides to "hold out" on the rose. She cries to herself because she "changed her haircolor and then he rejects" her! She and her matching luggage go home.

Individual Date #2 is with Sarah W, the fashion designer who we love....until we realize that she is a buttless wonder. AND she has a chain on her pants. AND she knows how to use hot rollers properly, unlike this viewer who can only seem to mimic Shirley Temple each and every time. Having already suffered a blow by the discovery of the women doing pilates and sit-ups in the morning, our fragile egos cannot withstand this revelation...but our eyes cannot look away. Charlie takes Sarah by water taxi over to a brewery, where he teaches her how to make beer and then shows her something like urine in a beaker and says it's the "special something" that makes the beer so good. They have an idyllic date which involved pizza, much beer, many kisses, a thrown rose, and a piggy back ride. Considering that this viewer feels her arse hit the floor each time she jogs, the consequences of a piggy would be dire indeed. Which is why this viewer is not on the Bachelor.

Unlike Megan, Sarah W gets her rose on the date, keeping her around for another week. She goes back to the women, who have been eating grocery store sushi (mmmm), doing shots, wearing matching pajamas, and eating whippy cream. They set down the whippy and instantly start hating Sarah as soon as she comes back. We don't like them. While Sarah is falling in our esteem, we still do not have another favorite to replace her. Crisis.

The final date is a Pool Party, which is just so stupid that I will make this brief. Basically, there are a lot of jubblies barely contained in swimgear floating willy-nilly and pressing up against Charlie and each other through such games as Chicken that no one near-30 still genuinely wants to play. The other Sarah (labor & delivery nurse), who may well be our favorite soon, informs Jenny and Kara that it seems like Charlie likes outspoken women. Kara seizes on this like a feral beast, all intent: "Do you think he likes that sort of girl?!?" Reading comprehension is not tested on the Bachelor, apparently. Charlie has a couple one-on-ones, and gives a rose to Kara because he's all impressed that she is there as a single mom.

After fun at the pool, Charlie takes the women back to the house, where Sarah W is knitting (she knits a lot). Again, the other women are all pissy towards her for being there because its not HER date. Jeez. But the best part is Kimberly, the one remaining swimsuit model. She decides to enact her "plan: To get really hot and sexy," by putting on a hot pink swimsuit top, hot pink sarong, hot pink doo-rag, and then dragging Charlie into another room, impressing him with her Ukrainian heritage, and shoving her tongue down his throat. And the tragic not-surprise is that it works and she gets the other rose.

Meanwhile, we are actually forced to watch 5 minutes of the women being bitchy to Sarah W for "knitting too much." And then this is where we lose Sarah W forever as our favorite: she says that she's used to people picking on her because she's pretty (which may well be true but not something to tell we viewers at home, you buttless twit). And she pulls Charlie into another room and proceeds to cry about "when, like, you have, like, this is so stupid, like, a real, um, great, like, time with someone." Charlie, ever the emoto-phobe, gets all bajigity about her weepiness and takes a giant step back.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Chuck's got to narrow it down to 8, and Sarah W, Kara, and Kimberly already have roses....so the five remaining women (after a bunch of drama that isn't worth repeating except to say Krisily has a big speech about being real, Carrie says Krisily is an agitator, and Sarah W says she'd like to sprinkle "fairy dust" on everyone so that they're happy all the time) are:
1) Anitra, with her wobblies shoved up to her chin
2) Jenny, who we have only seen complain about everyone else
3) Sarah the nurse, who we now love
4) Kendle, the cheerleader we did not see any of this episode
5) Krisily (NOOOOOO).

Next week, we discover that Kimberly is into bondage.