Charlie Part 1: Remember that your Mother Doesn't Like Those Floozies

Sis boom bah it's time for the Bachelor!!!! And what a guy Charlie O'Connell is! He's got the body of Jimminy Cricket, the teeth of a feral beast, the voice of Sly Stalone, and the wit of a tree. More promising are the Bachelor's parents, who are Edna from The Incredibles and some British guy that reminds Chucky that his mother doesn't like those floozies. Already, we cannot wait for the HomeTown Dates.

But before the hometown, we have the two minutes. In a new format, the women are given 5 minutes of warning before Chuck whips through each in a 2 minute date, complete with egg timer. In recognition that this is the least favorite part of the entire show for all you dear readers, I have composed a song to help you keep them all straight. To the tune of Modern Major General, let's sing:

Sarah B's a sweet young blonde who catches babies in the ObG;
Anitra is a makeup artist in a sheet with nothing underneath;
Jenny learns that Chuck desired to be a member of the A-team;
Krisily owns a hair salon and says she is a bit bitchy;

Kimberly's a swimsuit model who sticks her wobblies in Chucky's teeth;
Kristine, another model, strips and reads Chuck really bad poetry;

Danushka is a buttless blonde who won't walk fast for any man--
And Chuck acts like a buffalo with the mind of Mary's Little Lamb!

Kendle dances for the NFL much like ex-cheer chick Gina Marie;
Kristina is a writer with intensity that quite scares me;
Chuck wins a bout of thumb wars with a rather drippy Emilie;
Carrie has a thing about how freeeends don't shake hands but are huggy;

Kristin teaches first grade and I can't remember her at all;
Brenda is a sales woman who is equally unmemorable;
But Jetain crows and kicks Chuck's butt in making freaky monkey calls.....
Debbie is a flight attendant, so of course she is so very small

And we love Sarah W, who shows a scar from falling down;
As Chuck so smartly puts it, "She's not just cute, but a knock out."

Okay okay, so I think I've completely lost track of my verses, but that's basically everyone except Siomara (a loan officer) Keshawn (a bartender), Kara (a nanny who is a "good girl. I've been brought up right like a proper southern woman."), and Katie, with whom he has no chemistry even thought she sucks his face. Oh, and then Kerrry and Megan. Blah blah.

Anyway, after kicking all of the womanly brunettes out of the running (stab me in the heart right now, you twig-loving twit of a man), Chuck says his goodbyes and the women get to see their new bachelorette pad. Unlike the previous houses, this experience is all bunk beds and communal showers. I like to call it, "Camp BitchSlap."

Okay, so now we have the three group dates in which we Chucky meets the women in a more "intimate" setting. The only catch is that he says how many women are coming, and the women choose who. So, first date is hanging out at a "dive bar" (his words" and shooting pool. The big upset is that Kendle sneaks out and beats the 5 women more egalitarianly chosen to the limo. This is a big upset, and I know we are supposed to not like her for it but she is so shockingly pretty that it's hard not to. My God, I have watched too much of this show. This thought is only affirmed when this viewer does not even blink or shade my eyes when later in the evening, Chucky does the Roger Rabbit in a dance off with Kendle. She apparently won, because she got 1 of 2 "safety" roses, which are precursors to the next rose ceremony. Anitra gets the other rose, and we like her a little better because she doesn't play dirty or do the RR.

The next date is going "out on the town" to a nightclub for dancing. 8 people can go, but 11 get ready and Siomara takes it on herself to pick the lucky contestants. Trouble brews, leading to Gina Marie--who we decide has the most awful nasal voice ever created--- busting in on the date all, "who's in control NOW?!?" As Charlie says, "A lot of these women are easy on the eyes...and not so easy on the ears." But I digress. The weirdest moment of this date was the big bonding moment between Krisily and Charlie, who discover that they are both dyslexic. He is overcome by this kismet and proceeds to take a shot off her stomach and make out with her, thus dinging the Ick Meter. The other weird moment was Jetain, a 32 year old woman, getting all freaked out and starting to cry about how dancing and pretending that it's all (insert happy hands) "fun" was her thing 20 years ago (wait...so that would make her...)--I mean 10 years ago, but that it wasn't fun for her anymore and she had to leave with her dignity that instant.

Oh, oh, and then there was the moment when Charlie pretty much concluded that Kimberly is insane after she revealed that she was a swimsuit model and undercover agent for the FBI. For some odd reason, that freaked him out, but the whole sitting-on-his-lap-in-a-string-bikini-from-which-she-just-pulled-a-poem and then handing her top to him thing didn't give him pause. The rest of the date was just a bunch of bar dancing, except he did have a big kiss moment with Sarah W. We like Sarah W, but the kiss was a little gross. We end this date with Charlie marveling at his luck: "For a moment there, I had more girls than Hugh Heffner. Hugh Heffner only had seven, but I had eight. No, NINE for a while." Way to go, Sharpy.

Date #3 was rock climbing and volleyball, in which all these women for some reason felt they had to take their tops off again. This date was so stupid and can be summed up in three sentences:
1) Charlie: "I'm no rocket scientist."
2) Danushka (lounging): "I'm shedding my cocoon. Watch out bitches."
3) Charlie: She's hot. Now let's see if we can get along."
In addition, as a reviewer I must tell you that one woman whose name I did not catch revealed that she is a single mother.

Okay, so finally, we have the rose ceremony. Seven or eight women already have roses from the various dates because he was handing them out as he went along, so the rose ceremony was really only a time for him to axe five people. Getain, after walking out on her bar date, has a big ComeBack Moment in which she announces that she does not believe dancing "pro-vo-co-tiv-aly" and being a sleeze or trashy is her thing, but that she is there for love. Danushka informs Krisily that body shots make her a slut. Having realized that Danushka looks like a female Napoleon Dynamite, we now say "Shut up you stupid lard." And finally, Kimberly of the FBI swimsuit brigade says that she's really been praying for Charlie's heart and (later, when she gets the axe), that she loves him and will think of him often. Yikes.

In the end, Charlie gave Susie B, Kara, Carrie, Gina Marie, and Megan a rose of the remaining women who didn't have one already.

Stay tuned for next week, when all hell breaks loose.