Jen Part 4: Because We Love Wendell. All of Us.

The Bachelorette Episode Four begins with the boys working on a love letter, love letter...with the radio on. This viewer is personally swept away to visions of Dennis Quaid in his cowboy boots making eyes at Bonnie Rait/the viewer at the bar. Oh ding dong. But coming back to reality, the six remaining men must write a love letter to Jen in 20 minutes. The best two letters get one-on-one dates with Jen. So we see them all scribbling, get up close and personal with John Paul's hair grease (which there could _not_ be more of), and watch Wendell write free form. We love Wendell, so we forgive him for this, but he is writing every other line and giving this viewer stressful flash backs to math exams with Kathy R. Kathy would write huge on one side of the paper, one problem per page, and go through a ream every test. She would completely stress all tree loving recycloholics in our midst.

Ryan, the teacher (of course) gets the first date because his letter was the best. It was really bad, in this viewer-and-fan-of-love-letters' opinion. "Whatever life's hurdles, we will make them together," blahdy blah. But Jen likes it, so she and Ryan go to a new york fire station to ride in a truck. I once read a trashy romance novel (this should come as no surprise to many of you) in which the couple got it on, in the words of Marvin Gaye, on the top of a fire truck. This thought could not leave my mind as I noticed Ryan and Jen sandwiched on opposite ends of a board on this very crammed in space atop the truck. This leaves one thinking that the board has no place to go but up, as one might say.

Back at Jen's apartment, the date regresses to Conversational English 101.
"I am glad that you wrote the letter."
"Thank you for inviting me."
"I'm happy you are here."
"Donde esta el bano?"
And so it ends, in a hot tub in which we realize that Jen has better abs than all of us, including Ryan.

Date #2 is with Jerry. Febreeze gets on one knee to read Jerry's letter out loud, and then slams it to the camera as "terriiiiible. Thees ees just crahp." But it's okay if Febreeze doesn't like the letter, because we learned something more important: Jerry can't dance. But even more importantly, he asks to learn, and the men make a fake Jen for him to learn on. We appreciate Jerry for realizing how important dance is to women, but we still don't love him as much as we love Wendell.

Jen and Jerry's date is like the two high schoolers I overheard at my gym today. "Are you flirting with me?!?" "Shut UP, you are SO flirting!!!." They talk about their giddiness towards one another until this pianist that we are all supposed to recognize but don't finally starts to play and sing. "I'm on the moon...that's where you'd find me soon...." BANG, this viewer is lost remembering a certain unnamed person she knew in college, prancing through the snow in his moon boots al fresco on an unseasonably warm February day. The date ends with them being in love, blah blah.

The next date is a group date with our beloved, Wendell, and John Paul, Ben, and Febreeze. They are all innocently making pizza in Little Italy when our host, Chris Harrison, shows up and says that --surprise--there is one more date tonight, but all the men must give Chris their money and race to the empire states building and whoever grabs the roses first at the top of the building will win the date with Jen! Everyone is swept up in the romanticism of this and how it's Just Like a Movie ("Sleepless in Seattle," duh), but this viewer is underwhelmed....until Wendell gets there first! Oh joyous day! Oh song of angels! Febreeze, the boob, walks home because he doesn't want to "play games." Ben and JP miss getting the roses by a minute or two.

Wendell and Jen have a nice glass of wine and he says that he's not going to hide _anything_ from her. Oh Wendell, I think we already have learned that about you.

At last, dear readers, it is the rose ceremony. Jen shows up in a classy version of a tuxedo shirt/my harlequin costume from the Nutcracker. She has some one-on-one times with the surefire gonners: Ben and Febreeze, as well as Jerry (who she completely rattles with the question "would I be a person you would bring home to your family"), and then it's time to pick the remaining four. But first, Febreeze must steal the limelight in his shirt strategically unbuttoned. THank god for that double-stick tape lesson JLo taught us all. Walking towards Jen in slo mo, he says, "Jehn, I do not feeel like zer ees any pashun betweeen us. Jehn, I dohn't wahnt to maree you." Jen does her best to look appropriately shocked, turns her head way to the side when Febes comes in for the hug, and sends him packing.

She then picks the four lucky contestants who will take her home to their parents next week:
1) Ryan
2) Jerry
3) Wendell (YEEEESS)
4) John Paul.
In this viewer's opinion, JP and his creapy is it/is it not a mooostache have to go, but there are warning signs in the teasers for the next episode. Wendell's family might scare Jen away. Now we must all feel the pit sweat of anticipation for another week.