Jen Part 7: Love Stinks, Yeah Yeah.

I'd like to begin this bachelorette update by acknowledging that I haven't been able to spell a damn thing all day, so please don't judge.

This week's Bachelorette was The Men Tell All: The Truth Hurts. Or as I like to call it, "Billy, which shirt goes with orange skin?" The outfits were fairly uninteresting, as they are men and JP was not present in all his sockless glory, but Skin was definately In as the new accessory. We apparently could not get enough of Agent Orange, which Josh used in liberal fashion to make his face a more "enhanced" shade of blonde than previously achieved with his hair, Stu used to blend into the wood colored jacket he was wearing, and Febreeze used to create the sun-kissed look we all find so....unattractive. These men made even the Tanorexic Mark, who gave Jen a pendant like his dead mother's, look pale. Beyond this whiter shade of pale, the episode basically consisted of a few short interviews which I had to watch through the slats in my afghan, so mortified I was.

We first learn why David, the toothy attorney, fainted on one of the earlier episodes. He knew he was going to be in a hot tub with Jen, so he had cut out his carbs. All of them. I'm glad to know that he is representing the legal profession, and all of its infinite wisdom, so well. We also learn that Stu "Eees going to need som tranqueelizehrs at som point," according to Febreeze. We then learn that Febreeze peeked at Stu in the shower on several occassions. Then, we get to see a few "review" shots of Wendell's crack during basketball, Wendell's crack as he races to the top of the empire states building, and Wendell's crack as he parades around the house in various outfits. We still love Wendell, and so we acknowledge that it's not so unusual to show crack nowadays, what with the current craze for low-rise jeans showing toe, crack, and fancy in one fell swoop. Finally, we see Ryan and re-live the unfortunate Thailand Tragedy that was his hometown date. We love Ryan (though not as much as Wendell), and hope he finds the right person soon.

We also have a little interview with Febreeze. First, Chris Harrison asks if he is gay (no) and then he says of Febreeze, "There's honesty, and then there's being a jackass." I think that about sums it up. Oh, but receiving an honorable mention for ridiculousness is Febreeze's insistance that he lost interest with Jen when she started playing games. Which is why he's on the Bachelorette. In which a woman picks one of 25 guys. In a game.

But the person to whom I'd really like to dedicate this Update is Josh. Josh of the turquoise ringer T-shirt. Josh of the tan skin and WWJD. Josh who said not one, but all of the following over a one-hour time period:
1. Of Febreeze's kiss with Jen, "That was the most awkward moment I've ever seen between a man and a woman."
2. "I just don't think you're ready to fight for a woman's heart."
3. "Your glass house has been cracking for a while, so be careful what stones you pick up."
4. "I've been in love with my wife my whole life."
Chris Harrison: "Have you met her yet?"
Josh: "No."
5. "I get plenty of action."

The last is a perfect lead-in to the Virgin Diaries, a topic which Chris Harrison mentions, causing Michael the Teacher (Mr. "I was eatin' a ham sandwich") to burst into hysterical girlish giggles. Chris likens the mens' discovery of two virgins in their midst (Josh and Jason) to the discovery of two serial killers. We then see many of the mens' "take" on the "V" word, which consists of comments like, "how do you know you're compatible?" and "I haven't even uttered that word in a long time."

After a moment in which we relive all the awkward gift-giving ways of the failed bachelors and then witness a taped commentary from Jen to the guys, "Bob, I'm sorry. Jimmy, I hope you find the woman of your dreams," etc., we finally get to the guest artist of the night: Andrew Firestone. Yes, he has the cute dimples. But in the five minutes he is on air, we remember why we never fell for Andrew Firestone. He is a fast-talker, and a talk-over-er. In addition to these Type-A traits, he is a bit hyper. Bad combination for this viewer, who would become like rabid beast within the first five minutes of any date with Mr. Firestone. But as this viewer is not currently dating said Firestone, she feels honor-bound to point out that no, he is not dating anyone currently but does hope to find that special someone soon.

In the last five minutes of The Men Tell All, Mr. Firestone also provides us with the first real moment in the whole show, as we watch the look of pain on his face as he sees the video previews of "Jen and Jerry" and "JP and Jerry" for next week's finale. We realize for a brief moment that Mr. Firestone is a lovely person who did not deserve to have pain on national television. This moment is quickly gone, however, when "Kentucky Chris" (oo--ee, ain't you jist pure eye candy tonight) sings us out: "Gin, oh Gin, oh where have you beeeeen.." My sister calls and informs me that this was the worst singing she has ever heard.

Stay tuned for next week, when both JP and Jerry propose. One is rejected, and the other is still waiting for an answer...LIVE!!!! (oooo).