Jen Part 6: Three Suites for "Sleeping," Two Leg Crossers, and a Chick Who Walks Faster Than Me

Bachelorette Episode Six. This episode has Jen going on "romantic" overnight dates with John Paul, Jerry, and Ryan. What a dud. Especially for Valentine's Day.

Date #1 is on a lagoon in Bermuda with JP. Jen did not have her hair pasted over her wobblies like Brooke Shields, nor did JP look anything like Christopher Atkins in his little swimsuit, but at least the lagoon was Blue. The date starts with Jen zipping up on a yellow jetski, mouth pursed, eyes glinty like the Bond Girl of JP's dreams. They play around in the water and then start to talk about JP's work when boom pow it starts to rain heavily. So they go back to the hotel and talk very uninterestingly, while this viewer stares in amazement at JP's ability to cross his legs more efficiently than Jen. That evening, we experience our First Ever outfit envy in ten seasons of the Bachelor, in which we fall in love with Jen's hippy skirt. Of course, we can barely see it because she is walking so fast that said skirt is all a blur of green and bejangles. But we still love it.

Jen and JP walk through a "moon gate" to their dinner on the beach. This is apparently a sign of luck and love in Bermuda, yet looks more like the cardboards spaceship I had in my bedroom as a kid and which was cooler than the gate. Jen is explaining all this symbolism to JP, but he is so winded from trying to keep up with her that he merely says, "awl wrighhht." Then we have some surprises consisting of an invitation to forgo their individual rooms (such a surprise is in every season) and spend some time in the Fantasy Suite, and some fireworks on the beach that startle the pee out of Jen. Jen and JP then share some awkward straight up and down kisses and he says "shall we go upstairs." and so it ends. blah.

Date #2 is in Hilton Head, SC with Jerry. My candy heart for Jerry would say "O U Boob!" because he just really is and we don't like him at all, even if he has dimples. He and Jen play croquet to snazzy jazz music (again, why can't this be the soundtrack to my life, instead of the theme to Sanford & Son?), and then settle in on a park bench for a chat. Jen is worried Jerry is a player (DUH), and so tries to get him to say three things he likes about her. He turns this around to him and says that 1) he likes how she lights up a room because he wants a "girl" who can entertain people without him having to babysit and 3) he likes that she can accept his life and be open enough to understand. Suddenly, we realize that we didn't hear #2, but apparently neither did Jen.

During dinner, we experience a heart attack over Outfit Envy moment #2. Jen shows up in a snazzy strapless little number...and then said envy comes skreetching to a halt when she puts a little jacket on top. Down with little jackets, I say. But this is really the most interesting part of the entire dinner because the rest of it consists of Jerry talking Jen in circles about how he is a helpless romantic and needs "substance to inspire him" and "picked her from the second he walked in the door" and has "energy" and "calling" and various other cow patties of such enormous size that we all feel happy we are on this side of the screen and not having to smile like a talk show host at Jerry's dimples. Jerry and Jen also appear to be talking past each other, but then miraculously make up in time to go to the fantasy suite. Fortunately for Jerry, they ride in a carriage so he doesn't have to keep up with her. The date ends with Jerry crossing his legs and talking about how this is the first time he's been challenged. Gah.

The final date is with Ryan. The first sign of doom is the Oral B "brush up" that we get to see him rip, slip, brush, ah, on his teeth before meeting Jen. The second sign of doom is the enormous walrus/manitee/creature from the deep forlornly swimming off the shore. But oh, beloved Ryan, how wrong we were about you and your amazing communication style that no man seems to possess. Oh, how we wish we could take all comments of skepticism and annoyance back, as you prove you are wise beyond your years in direct-talking ability. We realize too late that we love Ryan. Said love even surpasses the Bubble Bath episode, which is how the "overnight" part of the date ends. For this whipophobe, a bubble bath is some kind of nightmare.

Anyway, as we cut to commercials, my erstwhile viewing partner, M, finishes his taxes. "oh, this is exciting," he forecasts.

Finally, the rose ceremony. We have Outfit Envy moment #3 (oh my gosh, this is a first) when we see Jen's pink dress. We comfort ourselves by noting that we would be in constant danger of anurism from sucking in our stomach if we were ever to pull off such a dress. Anyway, this rose ceremony has the surprise of "last minute talks" which the three guys.

M says "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry"'s out when Jerry's talk ends in him saying that Jen should pick him because she's "gotten to see more of him than any others," like somehow that ought to make her feel special. Our beloved-in-training, Ryan, says he wants to marry her, as does JP. Finally, it's time for Jen to pick. In a catastrophic display of bad taste, she picks....JP and Jerry. Ryan goes home crushed, as are we. We now place all our hopes in JP, a man with a questionable upper lip and substantial hair gel.

If you have survived the reading of this lame duck update, stay tuned for next week when the axed contestants dish the dish on "The Men Tell All."

Happy Valentine's Day.