Jen Part 5: 867-5309

The Bachelorette Episode Five begins with Jen accomplishing two things that this viewer will never accomplish: a) to have hot jazz music play when I walk in the room; and b) to wear a corduroy suit with a mini-skirt and high heels and not look foolish. Think "skort." Anyway, Jen wears said skirt & heels as she jaunts into a limo (again, a feat this viewer could not accomplish without showing the world her fancy) to jet off for her four hometown dates with the four remaining guys.

Date number one is in Oklahoma City with John Paul. One look at the sequined Estelle Getty sweater coat that Jen is wearing makes us all realize that the Bachelorette is not one to care about her drycleaning bill. JP meets her in a park, on a parkbench draped in cloth, to give Jen the ugliest damn cowboy boots this viewer has ever seen. JP might as well have hollowed out two armadillos and shoved them on Jen's feet.

This date is all about the Southern Woman, a/k/a John Paul's mother. In SW world, Jen = Gin. We like it already. Also in SW world, a woman can have five boys, name them all twice (John Paul, Billy Joe, Michael Robert), know all about sports, and STILL prance around in her high heels, giant pearls, perfect hair, svelte figure, and matching tailored outfit. And make us like her. Closely on the heels of the shock that is our inadequacy as compared to JP's mother, we suffer the larger blow of our inadequacy compared to JP. At age 25, JP owns a house. With a pool. And a fireplace. And..._real furniture_. And he has the chef from the restaurant he owns whip him and Gin up a great meal with asparagus and everything fine.

We put the pickle we were munching back in the jar, dust the crumbs off our futon sofa bed, and comfort ourselves that at least we don't forget to wear socks with our suits or kiss with our faces straight up and down in that oddly fishlike manner.

Date #2 is in Medford, Oregon with Ryan's family. I'd like to summarize the highlights for you here:
7. Ice skating at a nice little rink and drinking hot cocoa beside a row of little candles that look suspiciously like marshmallow peeps with their bellies on fire.
6. Thailand, and Ryan's parents' recent trip.
5. Ryan's sister McKenzie, who caused this viewer to hold her breath in anticipation of a wobbly popping out of her plunging neckline a la Janet Jackson at any moment.
4. Thailand.
3. Jen having to sign the bathroom wall before she could leave, so that all future dates of McKenzie can say "Jenny, I got your number, I'm going to make you mine."
2. Thailand
1. "Barbaritas," the version of Mexican food invented by Ryan's mom, who is named Barbara, if you couldn't guess.

Date #3 is with Wendell and his completed schnockered family in Chicago, Illinois. Wendell and Jen meet up and do that "oh, I'm so nervous" / "I know they'll love you." / "Don't worry, I'll take care of you." painful conversation bit before going to meet an entire house full of Wendells somewhere in the chicago suburbs. We love Wendell's sister Wendy, who has this crazy hair. And we love his brother in law, who is so drunk that he smashes a glass. But we especially love his mother, who after making beer goggles on herself as a joke, sends Jen home with leftovers. And then is uninhibited enough to say incredulously, "You DO?!!???" to Wendell when he tells her that he feels sparks with Jen.

Finally, Date #4 is with Jerry in Rochester, NY. Although we previously felt ambivalence boardering on mild distaste yet attraction for Jerry, we decide that we really don't like him here. He is all interested in whether HE can get what HE needs from Jen. He views bringing her to his high school as a big step and "very symbolic" because he feels like a teenager when he's around her. The man is 29. Then, on the way to meet his mother, who is deaf, and the rest of his family, the whole county experiences a power outtage! The rest of the date is bizzare, with the family treating Jerry's mother like she is special needs just because she has a hearing impairment, his brother Mike being all cryptic about whether Jerry is into her, and post mortums about whether Jen is really into Jerry or not.

Finally, the rose ceremony. The boys come in, followed by a Femmebot. Apparently, Jen is going to morph her wobblies into guns and shoot the unlucky suitor down on the spot. !!!!+pew+ +pew+!!! We are trying to get over the shock of this new Jen-look so much so that we nearly miss the fact that she fails to call Wendell! OHMYGOSHWENDELL'sOUT. But we LOVE wendell (except D, who informed this viewer in the ad break that she does not pine such as we). As Wendell drives away in the limo after a stinging, "you're just a buddy to me," conversation with Jen, we blow kisses at the television and wave adieu.

Stay tuned for next week, when Jen goes on "romantic overnight dates," at least one of which involves that weird jet ski contraption that fools individuals into thinking they look cool while shooting water out their backsides, in fashion similar to post-Superbowl blow out. There is also some sort of "unexpected surprise" during the rose ceremony itself.

Stay tuned!