Jen Season FINALE: We Are Becoming Disillusioned

First, a confession. In fulfilling the lenten "sacrifice" of another (whose name might be M) to make me go to the gym, I went swimming this evening. So confident I was in my Bachelorette watching ways that I forgot to check when the show might come on. So um, I um, missedthefirsthalfhouroftheshow, but I'm pretty sure that it only consisted of looking at JP's weird lip, so we're good.

I got back just in time to see Jen's hometown date with Jerry. A few observations about Jen's family: Her mother looks like this ex-Amish singer I once worked with. Once you leave that church, you go Big Country, let me tell you. Her father, a very nice man, looked like Joel Gray in Cabaret. Slap some makeup on him, and it's "Wilkommen, Stranger." And finally, her brother: It's Wendell! So THIS is why she didn't end up with our beloved! Anyway, this whole date was weird because it was all about how Jerry is feeling "more comfortable than ever," with Jen's family, while Jen is all "I'm left feeling confused and cautious every time I'm with him." That's because he's a fuckwit, Jen. I guess if I have to have highlights from this date, it's when Jerry held sweaty hands with Jen's mom as they looked at pictures, and when I saw Jen sitting cross-legged on top of the kitchen counter in spikey high heels. Somehow, I would lose an eye doing that.

Back we go to New York, where we see Jen writing in a really pretty floral diary. Who really writes in those? My journal is a nasty three ring binder with lots of things taped to the inside. Anyway, Abby and Michelle, Jen's "best buds" from Chicago come to visit the boys and help Jen make her decision (warning sign #1,001). First, JP. John Paul tells A&M that Jen is everything he's ever looked for in a wife: beautiful, sweet, and fun. Oh hell, he better not meet the rest of us real women. He loves loving her, etc. I know I should be listening, but his lip is just too weird. Next, Jerry. Does he love her? Oh well, he likes Jen a lot and would be willing to "give it a try." Lame. Finally, A&M share their discoveries with Jen, who says what we're all thinking: that it doesn't give any new information.

And here we have what I like to call the Crying Game. Oh, rip my head off my neck, the next hour is so boring. Jen is crying in her bed. She thought she'd know "which one," but she doesn't. Jen is wobbly voiced on the way to dress shopping. Somehow, picking out a mail-order bride dress of white with weird lace doilies all over it doesn't help her. Then she has a meltdown at Henry Winston because she doesn't know who the ring will come from. And then she cries in the limo. She doesn't want to do the wrong thing, has a big spazz about not wanting to break the heart of someone so clearly in love with her.....

and our stomachs drop. This can only mean One Thing in girl speak. She's dumping the cowboy and trying to make herself feel better about it.

And it just goes down hill from there. Warning bells are ringing everywhere as we hear Jen say of her pending "last chance" date with jerry, "Maybe I should just go with it tonight." He comes over, they eat a very romantic meal of take-out pizza, and have some painful conversation on the couch. And now if I may, I'd like to step on my soap box for a moment. Jerry says to Jen, "I'm crazy about you. You amaze me." and somehow this is a declaration of love. No it's not. This is a pompous artist (whose status as an artist seriously has to be questioned,as he wears button-down shirts and preppy little sweaters) speak. This is, "Oh look at ME and be proud of ME for being amazed by you." Ass.

Next date is with JP, and it's sushi. I'd be Jen's date if she brought me sushi. He also brings the better flowers. Whereas JP brought big overblown funeral-home flowers, JP's boquet is a pretty yellow wildflowery sort of combination. Nice work, Mr. Toast. Anyway, he makes the big annoucement about being in love with her, and she can't meet his eyes. Oh, this is so painful and horrible. The even get in the hot tub and he makes a toast "to finding that one perfect person and falling in love madly for all time with her." Okay, so this would make me snort in real life, but it makes me want to pat his head here because she is so dropping him.

Ooo, then it's ring shopping. Jen picks this big ring that I would probably hook around a door knob and cut my finger off with, but the big "kismet" moment is when JP picks the same one for her. Jerry, the sop, goes for this ring with three stones for "past, present, and future." I believe that would be Mr. Firestone, you, and not you, Jer.

Finally, it is the big day. Jen stands bathed in light in the middle of this giant room, wearing her mail-order bride outfit. And it's JP out of the limo first (noooo). All I heard was "shutupshutupshutup" as JP was talking because he kept pouring out his heart and saying all these nice things, and Jen wasn't looking at him. So bad. Jen says he's not right for her because there's no spark, JP looks shell shocked, and then he voices my biggest fear: "Jen's going to be 32, looking for a husband, and looking for someone she knew was there and passed up." Add "dehydrated and alone, typing about reality tv, blowing the dust off my ovaries, half-eaten by wild dogs" and you'd have my life.

Boom--cut to the LIVE "After the Final Rose" show. Or in the words of my friend Anne, "Oh no she didn't." First we see JP, who we have barely forgiven for his cruel comment about unmarried women in their 30s, but who we warm to slightly for his healthy outlook about being heartbroken on reality tv. Then out comes Jerry, all nervous because he's got the ring for Jen and will find out tonight if she'll be with him forever. We see the big proposal on TV, and then a montage of their relationship set to a song he wrote. No, it is not as bad as the poem Ryan wrote for Trista on the Bachelorette Season I, nor is it as bad as the drawing of a white tiger Ryan made for her. My big thing about Jerry's proposal, though, is I'm pretty sure he said that Jen's made him see a side of his "art" that he hadn't seen before. WHAT?!?

At last, her answer. Jen turns to him, and on live television, says, "You know how committed I was to this, but I think we both came to the conclusion that we're better as friends." Okay, so Jerry SO was not at that place. What ensues is 20 minutes of Chris Harrison trying to fill live television time with two people who obviously don't want to talk to the audience, him, or each other very much. After fielding some really painful questions from the audience and some cruel and assinine jokes from Chris H, we are finally able to dispense with the rumor that Jen is dating (she is not) and get on with our lives.

I would just like to say that after two giant, lumbering, marshmallow men of Bachelor seasons, we have got to have something good soon or I may have to abandon my addiction to reality tv. Chris O'Connell, the bro of actor Jerry O'Connell, is up next season. From the previews, he's got some very yellow teeth. I believe we're also supposed to think he's gentlemanly, but I will be the e-judge of that.

Hang with me 'til then, dear readers.