Charlie Part 3: * 69

Bachelorette Episode 3 begins with Kimberley, our swimsuit model, laying out a few "outfits" for her upcoming one-on-one date with Chuck. In no particular order, these include turquoise tanga pants (which are, let's face it, like having one's entire full-bottom underwear shoved up one's crack, revealing nothing but hail damage from the storms of time down below); some weird black thongy thing that she had to put back together and still looked abnormally large, and then the outfit of her choice: precisely one-half of a bondage bustierre which plunges to her naval, and a black tube skirt pulled down to her fancy. She had it especially made for her. Thank God it is just the perfect thing for the art gallery that Chuck is taking her to on their date. According to Big C, "nothin' says lovin' like three floors of art."

As you all might guess, Anitra and Jenny stage an Intervention, in which they encourage Kimberley to think outside her buns. "Think about what people wear to the art gallery...." Kimberley takes it well, and then selects--in place of said bustierre-- one black control-top panty hoe in which she has cut a neck hole, donned, and topped with a tiny little black coat with white trim. Again, says Chuck, "we are cookin' with GAS."

Apparently, Kimberley's dress is far too tight for thought, as the entire date consists of "oh, that's so cool!" and "Oh my god!" and "You are so funny!" as Chuck leads her through the art gallery (always one step behind her going down the stairs. of course. ) and they see art that he made as a child. Turns out his mom is an art teacher and his dad ran a studio. Why, WHY is he such a twit. Anyway, Chuck decides he "wants more," and so he takes her back to his place for the evening, which is "really cool" to her. She talks a lot about his "pitchers" on the wall, and his dresser, and etc. They wind up on his bed, which is "very bouncy" according to Kimberley.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the women have a hot chicks party with all the clothes in Kimberley's suitcase. This is evil and horrible, but we are nevertheless freakishly amazed that we have been introduced, via the television, to a real-life non-celebrity type person who actually wears those shirts that are two criss-crossy boob slings and nothing else. We hate that Sarah B, our new favorite, has dressed in gold lame and is now dancing around with her rump in the air. But as all the others are also doing this, it is only to be expected. Yet after a few hours of the dancing, the women grow tired and *69 to find Chuck's number and see where Kimberley is. Allegedly "on her way home." Hm.

Date #2, which is bowling, proves to be dull indeed. This viewer comforts herself that if SHE were there, she would amaze them all with her bodacious bowling moves (best golf score 2003, thank you very much). But as I was not there, we must content ourselves with swizzle stick Sarah W being all aggressive in her attention to Charlie and then giving a lecture to all the women on when it's okay to sleep over at a guy's house. Chirp. All this is fine and good, until, dear readers, we realize that Sarah W is Pure Evil. She, our fallen former favorite, says to Sarah B, our new favorite whom we love, that she knows who the final four are because Chuck told her. Then she names them, who of course I didn't write down. And THEN, after she doesn't name dear Sarah B, SW says "at least he has good taste." chirp chirp chirp.

Poor Sarah B. But then, all looks up because Sarah B has 1 on 1 time and figures, "oh hang it." and tells Chuck that she wants a family and then says she'd like to raise them in the church. And he gives her the rose!!!!! Yay!!! Sarah B vows to be more careful what Sarah W says in the future.

Date #3 is with Kara, the single mom. Chuck blows off their first date because he's tired from the 3 hours of sleep he got the night he watched Kimberley's bosom bounce on his bed. This viewer has no sympathy, particularly when he sends Kara a big thing of flowers and an apology note for missing their date literally 2 seconds after she got off the phone with him. Would have been better if she would have freaked out on him, and then gotten the "thanks for being so understanding" note after. Anyway, Chuck and Kara go ice skating at the park and have a painfully awkward moment of "racing" with two high-pitched boys who were clearly "planted" on the ice while Kara and Chuck were skating around. "Hey mister, race you!!!!" After this little contrived moment, Kara concludes that CHarlie would be a "good family man," thus displaying the clearly delusional nature of this show. And then they mutually dump each other at the end of the date. She goes home.

Chuckie takes a brief interlude to call his brother, who, after asking about whether there are any "psycho girls," offers this sage advice: no hot tub scenes."

Finally, the rose ceremony. Charlie, apprehensive, approaches the women in manner similar to the immasculated mastadon statue posed "charging" on the IPFW campus. Jenny, in a Saturday-Night-Fever-meets-Pretty-in-Pink bunchy dress, attacks Sarah W as being aggressive and Kimberley as a hooch. Krisily seconds that. Sarah W looks sweet and says she would never want to be called aggressive. And then, Charlie gives the four remaining roses (Kimberley and Sarah B already have one) to:
1) Krisily
2) Anitra
3) Sarah W
4) Kendal, who we are liking more and more because she just shuts up.

After tough talk about her rejection being "no big deal," Jenny stalk off like an ostrich in bloom, and then shakes the camera as she stalks off to cry. Then, we are suddenly back at the house, where Krisily is going ape at Sarah W at the top of her lungs for not standing up for herself and not having an opinion, and then insists that she is only "having a conversation" with SW.

Stay tuned for next week, when the "claws come out" at the nail salon.