Charlie Part 4: Don't Fence Me In

We don't like Sarah W. Or her buttless wonderness of her. Or her shaggy Janice the Muppet hair. Or the valley accent and the little thin lips and the "I was so pretty in high school that I'm used to all this jealousy." Gah Gah GAH. Oh, how we don't like Sarah W. If Sarah W was a milkshake and this viewer was all the boys in the yard, this viewer would definately not be brought. Damn right. Even if she charged.

But the Bachelor Episode 4 doesn't begin with Sarah W, but with Sara B (little Sara). Just as the cute little deer trotting clippity-clop like a gimpy drunken bachelorette through the woods, so too does Sara B weave her horse on an awkward staggering path about 10 feet onto the trail, "woa"ing all the while. We really like SB, but we are not surprised that her choice of high heels and a very pink little sweater and hat ribbon render this horseback date rather short lived. Nevertheless, all is forgiven when she gets Charlie to confess to we viewers that he went to rodeo school while his brother was filming Stand By Me. We find this explains a great deal.

Anyway, this date ends back in the stables with Charlie and Sara wearing their riding hats and having a big bonding conversation about exes. Charlie apparently has one girlfriend who still calls him all the time and tells people they are dating, though they broke up 2 years ago. In light of the fact that he has retained both Sarah W and Krisily at this juncture, we are neither surprised nor impressed that Charlie might have a flaming psycho or two in his past. But we grudgingly admit a moment of appreciation when he decides to hold off on shoving his tongue down Sara B's throat until the right moment sometime in the future. Ooo, and I almost forgot: Charlie asks Sara B why she was surprised to get a rose the last time around, and she reveals to him that Evil Sarah W told her she wouldn't get one. This shocks Charlie. We think. Well, okay, so his eyebrows moved. A little.

Meanwhile, Krisily and Sarah W go ape.

Oh, you want more? Okay, so the women go to this salon for manicures and pedicures (things this slimey-footed nail-biter will never experience nor subject any poor manicurist to) because they are all cooped up in the house. SW has this big "ooo, he's so greeat" spazz about how she "Dreams of Charlie every night and thinks about him all the time and can't wait to spend time with him." So says Krisily: "Is that true? You're just playing the game [bitch.]" Soon, petals and hot rocks are flying, SW says that Krisily is just "horrible" and "worthless," which prompts Kendle to say "that was just _mean_." (did I mention we love Kendle?). Krisily stomps out in her little flip flops and is soon seen with her face all shoved up in the camera like some british reporter "quiet now: tiger woods is flush on for a birdie at this next hole." She is weepy and says that SW is the "fakest person" she knows. Okay then. So confidently says Sara W to the same camera later on: "If I don't get a rose, Charlie is making the HUGEST mistake."

After this drama and intrigue, Charlie gets The Bright Idea: Let's Make the Women Fence. A few highlights: Kimberly is wearing Chippendale Shorts. You know the ones that probably inspired the trend of "tea bagging"? We briefly wish that we were there to point out that what might look cute from one angle certainly ain't so pretty in a lunge or squat, but we are not on the Bachelor to save all fashion emergencies. Additionally, SW is at her finest: "If Krisily were to stab me, she'd be thrown in jail and a major lawsuit would be slapped on her." Hopefully, in that event, Krisily would have the good sense to go for the wind pipe. And finally, Krisily is afraid of the fencing mask because she's claustrophobic. She pulls Charlie aside for a confession of her fear and a SW-bashing session. SW returns the favor with another 1 on 1 in which she says to Charlie, " I guess I'm good looking and I've always had girls hate me" and does all this deep breathing and "like" and "um" and trying not to cry as Chuck grips her shoulder meaningfully. Gag.

Suddenly, Chris Harrison is there and anounces that one more date is on the line, sans rose. Whomever fences the best and impresses Paaaaauuulo, this random Italian fencing star that suddenly appears out of nowhere, gets the date! We hear the Chariots of Fire theme song as Krisily slowly dons the mask and takes a few slashes.....but Anitra wins the date. But not before Sarah W (who we don't like) says of Krisily and her claustrophobia; "How weak and broken down is she compared to me?" I pity the foo who messes with Sarah W.

And then we have Anitra's date, a/k/a "A Nod to Farah." Okay, so first, she is wearing this pink top (what IS it with pink?). It is polyester. It is clingey. It is gathered in the front and secured by a giant pink sequin diamond from cleave to naval. Then she tells Charlie that she loves to eat and that's all she thinks about. Then she tells him that she was disappointed when she heard he was the bachelor because she figured that he would be a big snob. and THEN she says, "oooo, what does my desert taste like...." until Charlie finally says "it's rum" and takes a big drink of his own. He's a caller, she's an emailer. She's always cold, he's always hot. She says of the date, "Hm, well, I'd like to sleep on it and decide what I think." I think Farrah Fawcett licking the walpaper on the Late Show and later dismissing the moment as that she was "out of it."

The next morning, Charlie pops over to the bachelorette pad because he feels like he needs more time with the women. Krisily pulls Chuck away for some time together, which "totally makes" SW "vomit." And then...dah dah dah DUM, Chris Harrison pops in and says that the rose ceremony is happening right that minute! crisis!

So all the women run downstairs to take their places on the steps of shame. Chuck is having a quiet spazz because he's not ready, and yet he pulls it out:
1. Kimberley, who has hitched her pants down lower at least three times that morning.
2. Sarah W, who is all excitement and heaving busom and "oh I'm just so happy" in such an obnoxiously excessive way that Charlie even says "settle down or keep quiet. One or the other." ha.
3. Krisily. Sarah W promptly settles down.

Since our favorite Sara B already has a rose, it will be these four who bring him home to meet the parents next episode, in which Charlie cries, someone wears a tablecloth, and someone's grandma does the rumpshaker dance with our Bachelor. Stay tuned to watch how Sarah W proves she "would be the best girlfriend in the WHOLE WORLD."