Charlie Part 7: Back in the Rotation

We begin the Bachelor: Women Tell All episode convinced this will be a boring show. The twelve most memorable women come out for a little fireside chat with our host, Chris Harrison, and we are saddened to see nothing too freakish on any one person (yet). We have a little chat with Danushka, the toothpick with the lazy voice who announced that inviting a man to take a shot from one's belly button makes one a "slut," rather than a "bitch." Well, I will be sure to put that in my file of alternative explanations for when the children that I babysit ask, "KLo, what's a...." Then we learn that the other women were always trying to keep Kerry, who had gotten the very first rose on the show, away from the alcohol. And finally we have a Hallmark moment where Chris asks Kara (single mom)'s daughter how she felt about her mom being on the show, and she says what all 8 year old children would say on national television: "I felt very special when my mother talked about me." You could almost see her reading the teleprompter.

And then we have Kristine, who, if we might take a walk down memory lane, was the first of many swimsuit models. She dropped trou on the first meeting with Charlie, pulled a folded up poem out of the pita pocket holding her left breast, and read a rhyming little piece about how happy she was to meet him. And then on her second date, she reveals to him that she's also a special agent for the federal government, inspiring Chucky to say, "I detect a girl who is crazy. She's turned into a nutty buddy, and that was never my favorite candy." Now, she tells Chris Harrison that she's not at liberty to say what she does and that she got called into "headquarters" about revealing herself on television. Oh. My. Gosh. I think I want an undercover FBI agent who is stupid enough to reveal herself on national televison. Chris is like, "are you undercover now?"

And then Kimberley a/k/a Meatball comes out, channeling the dancer on the "belly dance to fitness" tape this viewer shamefully purchased one day because it would be "fun." Kimberley is wearing a sequin turquoise bikini type top that has rendered her chest one giant cleave handy for paper filing and the capture of small crumbs. Yet we stop all thoughts of judgment when Danushka tells Kimberley she should have hit the gym for a few months before the show. _gasp_. Our hackles are instantly raised, as we recall the hopping on one foot to incoherent middle eastern yarbles with left arm flailing and right finger jammed to our foreheads like freakish smiling instructor in an effort to firm and reduce. "Go Kimberley," we think. "Go girl, in your nakedness."

After some discussion with Jenny, a fellow canadian, about how the Meatball "represents Canada badly," and how Jenny doesn't want people to think that Canada is "only about bikinis," we are treated to footage from the "dress up like Kimberley" evening. Various clips of dancing about in shades of undress are seen, leading Kimberley to conclude that she's glad the other women can feel sexy in her clothing. We will forgive her this lapse in critical thinking, for the reasons mentioned previously.

And finally, the moment we have been waiting for. Or as Chris H calls it, "the unleashing of the Hounds of Hell." Sarah W makes her appearance in what is by all accounts an artist's rendering of an easter egg shrink wrap decoration masquerading as a top. It's this sort of yellow hankerchief thing with a ribbon around the top and long triangles on both sides because let's face it, women want their hips to look ginormous these days. Sarah, as you know has "always gotten the top dog guy" her whole life. She, Sarah Welch, is a "beautiful woman. That's all it takes to attract a man." SW is "used to being the cat and the boy is the dog who chases after her." If she "had been a little uglier, perhaps she could have stayed." But, since she has left the Bachelor, she is happy to be back in the "rotation," which she graciously has said she would "kick out" if she were to be with Charlie.

"The rotation?" you ask. SW, my dear readers, goes on 5 dates a week. She has a series of men who she fits into her "weekly rotation," which, she says, is "fantastic for the bank account." Maybe not any more, as Kindle says. But back to the rotation: apparently, men will call her and ask to be "fit back into the rotation," and she will do what she can. We are both horrified by this and yet curious about how much sushi we could eat each week if we developed our very own rotation,... until this viewer's sister snaps us back to reality with the observation, "every hooker on the block has a rotation." We are instantly thankful for the perspective which family brings.

So then the women (read: Kindle) go ape on SW. We would tell you about this, except it's all on the theme of: "you think you're pretty and too cool for school, but you aren't." We love Kindle, so we won't make any parallels to Zoolander here. The rest of the women back her up, including Jenny, who asks if SW took "too many rides on the Kukukanuuka bus." Then Charlie comes out and fields questions. Kimberley wants to know if she was too "wild" for him. No. SW wants to know what happened. Chucky felt like she was playing an act sometimes. He goes away, and we get to see unseen footage of the remaining women.

And this is why I love Sara B: she airs out her armpits before the rose ceremony. We recall moments of stuffing kleenex in the pits of our sweater while driving to our ex-boyfriend's wedding, and we take a moment to thank the maker of super absorbant soft tissue with Sara B. Beyond this revelation, we learn that Charlie was a little scared that Kimberley would show up in lingerie for their date, and we get to see his really, really gross disgusting dirty feet on the Kukukanuuka bus with SW. Hmmm..and then we see clips of the next episode, the FINALE that you all will be watching next week. Turns out, Charlie has been dating both women all this time and will decide between the two live before a studio audience next week. We are a little concerned it will be like Jen dumping Jerry, but we are resolved to Take One for the Team of bachelor watchers everywhere.

Finally, SW takes two questions from the remaining women. SB asks SW why she told SB she wouldn't be in the final four. "LIAR! Liar!" Sarah W/scary Princess Bride lady says. "Liar liar pants on fire." More murmering ensues because let's face it, we all saw SW tell SB she wouldn't make it. Then Krisily asks, "Are you still blaming me for Charlie sending you home?" and SW says yes. Oh my.

Stay tuned for next week, when we find out if SW's prediction that Krisily would win is right!

Stay strong.