Charlie Part 6: All Of Me, I'll Show Charlie Aaaaaall of me

Bachelor Episode 6 finds us in Aruba, far far away from the 35 degree weather that has caused this bitter bachelorette to turn on her heat in MAY. As a new twist for this season, all three of the women are having their "fantasy dates" on the same island! Oooo. After soundbites of how all three are "so glad that I get to be at Aruba and all the other girls aren't," they all get out of their cars at the same time....to see each other. We should be noticing their not-so-thrilled faces, but are totally distracted by the ginormous ceramic hot pad hanging from Sarah W's neck. WTF. At first we think it's a sand dollar ("ooo, how pretty" we think), and then we realize that no, it is a spoon cozy for the stove, on a little string. Huh.

First date is with Evil GI Jane (Sarah W), who is sure to mention that she is a "fun, adventurous, wild girl" who apparently cannot dress herself. In the spirit of Ozzy Osborne but with much fewer injuries, SW and Charlie go ATVing. He in shorts, t-shirt and helmet. Her in this army green string bikini. And that damn necklace. At least if they get stranded, she can flash it in the sun like a mirror and signal for help. Anyway, first, we see her spread-eagle in the backseat of a jeep, talking about how pretty she is. Then, we see her on the ATV in this get-up, riding across the desert. This reminds us of two things: 1) how much we hate it when the backs of our legs stick to leather seat cushions and leave those exaggerated stretch marks; and 2) our friend Amberly in 4th grade, who had this problematic swimsuit with mesh siding perfect for sieving all sand in the tri-state area far, far into the depths of despair and all cracks associated therewith. Says Chuck, "You picked a good ATV outfit." She responds with a shout-out to what she knows best: the non-sequitor. "Well, this is my natural element and everybody usually likes me, so." Indeed. They end this portion of the date on a kukukanooka bus playing the moroccas and smiling like they have more energy than people really do in their late 20s.

Next segment, we discover that SW has taken over Kimberley's closet. SW shows up for dinner in this boob-sling criss-crossy animal print shirt (you know the type), which we subsequently discover is really a multi-purpose wrap. Throughout the meal, we continue to wonder why any woman would wear a top to dinner which would involve any gut sucking. But we realize the value of said top when Chuck suggests a "swim off" and quick as a flash, SW is wearing the top bathrobe style and giggling about how she "wished she had worn underwear." twit. The swim off ends about 10 yards from where it began, in a kissing frenzy amidst the waves. We try to care.

Date #2 is with Sara B on a sailboat. We love Sara B, although we don't see much of this date, just because she's all level-headed and is making Chucky work for his kisses (which he finally gets this episode). We mostly see Chuck jumping off the boat on a big swing is this godawful blue swimsuit with giant sunflowers all over it. Any man over 6 feet should not wear sunflowers, just for the stalky, dorkish symbolism of it all. But anyway, Charlie definately seems intrigued with SB and professes a big crush on her, for which we are happy. They have a nice dinner and go back to his place for more alone time, but she declines to spend then night. (Yay). It is at this moment that we realize we were never told if Sarah W did. Hm.

Anyway, the interesting moment of this date is actually back at the ranch, where SW stalks Krisily and so graciously informs her that she "has no problem with Krisily so long as Krisily agrees never to talk about SW to Charlie." How big of her. SW then comments to the camera (insert snotty voice of your younger siblings aged 13) "Krisily isn't even _mature_ enough to know where her anger is coming from towards me." shutupshutupshutup.

Finally, date #3 with Krisily, on their "own private island." To be perfectly honest, the date makes this viewer cringe because Krisily is obviously so happy and so overjoyed to be experiencing all these things she hasn't ever done before, and Chuck looks vaguely bored and unengaged with the whole thing. He keeps saying, "I'm so happy I could give these experiences to Krisily," which in this viewer's mind is a sure-fire "sacrificial lamb stud" thing to say. They go snorkeling, the have nice conversations, and Krisily goes on and on about how CHuck makes her feel like a better person, and how she loves every minute with him, and how great and sweet he is. And we really like Krisily for her innocent enjoyment of the whole thing, but we fear for her heart to be broken.

The date ends with them riding off in a Catamaran back to Charlie's place, where we learn that Krisily wants to make sure he sees "all of her" before the rose ceremony the next night. She says that "intimacy" is an important connection to have with a person, but that she doesn't want to get hurt.......He volunteers, "I'd like you to spend the night, and we'll figure the rest of the stuff out as it comes." Sort of an "We'll be okay, kid." And it's babe in a bag for Charlie. She spends the night.

Once again, the more interesting bits are outside of this date. First, we see SW rise up like Evil Orca Incarnate from the water, flipping her hair back a la Bo Derick, only not as nice. Then, as SW is walking along the beach that night, SB calls her up to her room for a drink. SW asks SB about her date, and then later tells the camera that she's not "threatened by it because there's NO WAY Sara B is as fun as I am." augh.

Finally, the rose ceremony. We are thrilled because Charlie says that going into it, he feels like he's got his head screwed on straight and knows exactly what he's doing. So he picks.....
1. "Sara." Neither Sara knows who this is, until Chuck says "Sara B," and SW looks thunderstruck.
2. Krisily.

Ding dong, the witch is dead!!!! Chucky walks her out. "why?" she says. "Because we have awkward moments and never got it figured out," he says. Just to show she doesn't have sour grapes or anything, SW offers the following E! True Hollywood Confession as the limo drives her away: "Charlie just totally wasted two roses. I'm a way better catch than either of them. I'm such a good catch and a sweet girl. People are mean ot me because of the way I look. It's a curse to be pretty. It sounds horrible, but it's really true. People are racist that way. That's why it didn't work out. Maybe if I wasn't so pretty, it would have."

We leave Sarah W to contemplate the meaning of the word "racist" and look forward to the next episode, where the "women tell all" and Sarah W is forced to "confront the women who hate her."