Travis Part 6: We Don't Want No Scrubs

"Scrubs is the kind that ain't gittin' no love from me." - T-Boz.

Episode Six begins with Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots. What on earth are they doing on this show? Apparently, ABC thinks that it's a good idea to see the "overnight dates through the ages" to see how "important" the fantasy date is to the budding relationships on the Bachelor.

Okay, so we begin in the dark, dark ages with Aaron Bergey (isn't he dating a playboy bunny now?). Then we see Shannon crash and burn on a date with Alex. Fortunately, she has put out the flames and is starring in her very own television show called "Hot on Homes." We are treated to a vision of her in a kitchen with a pink shirt and an apron. We're pretty sure she now lives in Stepford. Then we are off to Andrew Firestone, who is really hopped up on caffeine. And finally, Jesse Palmer. Who can forget our favorite male bimbo? Oooo, and Trish, with the dress cut up to her fancy, crashing Palmer's date with Mary Jo or whatever her name was. PICA. (for those of you just joining us this season, that would be 'palmer is confused again.')

Yes, we are feeling our age and singledom as we walk through these 11 seasons of the show, which we have watched. Tirelessly. Alone in our living room. Never missing an episode. Happy Valentine's day to us.

Next, we get an update on the three couples who have managed to survive the show: Charlie and Sarah (whom we love and forgive for being with such a dumb box of rocks), Mary and Lord Byron, and Trista and Ryan. Apparently, S&C had cat calls from a fellow boater (oh...did they hear me?) during their first kiss in Aruba. And Trista suffered through Alex barfing in the helicopter before finally ending up marrying Ryan. AND Mary is "so. into. Byron." on their fantasy date in Whistler. Although they did hide in the closet to talk because they thought their room was bugged.

Finally, FINALLY we get to the real shizz: The Storkinator's first fantasy date...in Venice... with Moana. Having just admonished Jennifer for her doiley/shirt, we are quite depressed to discover that Moana is also wearing a similar rendition of a tuxedo shirt. Given her ample bosom, this is disturbingly "I am sixteen, going on seventeen" But in any event, we are soon distracted by the Pigeon Attack at St. Marco's cathedral. Having been shat upon by a bird not once but three times, this makes us nervous. But we are splatter free and off to a cafe, where Moana/Leisel busts out the italian when ordering a drink, and then off to a gondola ride. We don't really care about this date anymore because we just want to be in Venice ourselves.

Dinner is very intense, man. Moana is wearing mini George Foremans with rhinestones for earrings. Then an accordian player "happens" by after a toast...which is all very romantic until we see that he is extremely hairy though shaven & wearing nerdy glasses, and we conclude that he is probably just some college kid trying to earn a buck. And finally, Moana says that she is so glad Travis has taught her that she could grow in an area where she had been stagnated. Dr. Rehab is touched. They decide to "develop their intimacy on a physical level" (or Mo-bettah-ana decides that) by forgoing their individual rooms and then blesses him with kisses a/k/a the Madonna as he hugs her very awkwardly. We feel awkward.

Date # 2 is in Vienna with Sarah from TN. We LOOOVE Sarah and her yellow sweater, we love that they drink beer instead of wine, we love that it's not dark beer, and we love that they go up in a Ferris wheel. But this date gets a little freakity when Trav and she go into a salon for a couples massage and then wind up in a floating pool where he gives her chaste kisses. She is like, "WTF, why won't he kiss me like we're in a relationship instead of all these little kisses," and we think, "WTF right back at you, poor girl."

Dr. S and Sarah take a horsedrawn carriage to dinner, and we are very suspicious of the vienese waltz playing in the background, which sounds like, "Some day my prince will come." Travis has a the fabulash idea of leaving the formal dinner and taking food back to the fantasy suite for a fireside chat, and then is like, "we have a great friendship, but is there more?" In other words, "are you sexless like I think, Sarah?" We hate Dr. T for a blinding moment until he redeems himself by telling her that if she hadn't have been on this "journey," he may have lost a part of who he is. We think he's a nice boy. And she finally gets her saucy kiss.

Date #3 is with Susan in the Alps. Apparently, nobody told her she wasn't horseback riding, as she is wearing these tall boots with her hiking pants tucked into them. Travis decides to secretly "test" their compatiblity by seeing if she'd like to go rock climbing, and then is all pleased that she was enthusiastic. Sweetheart, any woman could see that coming a mile away. But she convinces him, dons hiking boots, and then cheerily states that she's going "back to LA (read: other planet) at the close of the show" to try her hand at acting. He confronts her about seeking exposure through the Bachelor, and she denies it.

Blah blah, they drink cider wine from a giant popcorn kettle. We then have the After School Special portion of the Bachelor: "Susie's Hopes and Dreams." Susan feels so bad when the other girls talk behind her back. She's not in it for the Game. It's sooo the opposite of how she feels. It's about how he's feeling. And how she's feeling. This continues through dinner that night, as Susan is wearing a little silver allen wrench as a necklace (which is probably really her little electron beemer to her spaceship). She "likes being in relaxing environments." It's more her style. She doesn't like clubs anymore...I mean, she likes going out to a bar with her friends and having a * really * *great* *time* but she's basically a homebody. She likes being a scrub sometimes.

We don't want no scrubs.

But apparently, Travis does. He likes a woman that will disagree with him, who will call him out. We wonder where he has been our lives, ....but are shaken down to earth by the fact that he likes how Susan calls him out. Ohhhh, he means fake-challenging. And as quickly as it came, so passes the death of a crush boy. And then she tells him that she loves him. And then Travis = whiter shade of pale. And we hear him gulp. And we toast ourselves and the conclusion that the reason everybody thinks she's scripted is that SHE'S AN ALIEN.

The remainder of this date involves hot tubbing. We don't like Susan for stealing the steamy kisses that Sarah from TN should be getting. They're HERS, Susan. HERS alone.

And at last, it is the rose Ceremony. After some typical video messages in which Sarah wears a turtleneck and blazer (only at work, Sarah, only at work) and Susan says for the second time, in the same words previously spoken at dinner (creepy), that she is "incredibly vulnerable to tell Travis that she is falling in love with him. But she has to be honest with her self." Blah. And then the moment comes....

To borrow Sarah's song with her kindergartners, Susan is wearing a dress cut up and down to her A-tootie-ta-ta.

But it doesn't help, because in the end, Travis picks
1. Moana
2. Sarah from TN. YEEEESSSS.

Susan keeps grasping at the weird random cloth hanging down from the "ta" portion of her dress as she struggles for words. Travis tells her that he doesn't know if he made the right decision. We decide that this statement goes down in Bachelor History as one of the World's Worst things to Say when Saying Goodbye. Way to encourage stalking, Dr.S.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All, a/k/a Tara tells the world that she don't know much, but she sure can drink. And Moana announces that Travis is "meant to be mine." [insert creepity munster tone].