Travis Part 2: I flew all the way to France; So that Our Love could be given a chance.

Welcome to Episode Two, where we get a bonus two hour special. The first hour is the same only different. It's a repeat of last week's episode, but from a "different vantage point." All I know is that said point was totally obstructed by the poem recited by Princess, which ABC blesses us with today:

Thousands of miles away from home
But only a hop, skip, and a jump from Rome
I find myself in the City of Lights
Hoping to receive a rose tonight.

OMG, words don't describe. Fortunately, we have a 5 minute bachelor montage of previous seasons to soften the blow. But then we meet our Bachelor, Trav, for like the fifth time. This time around, we have a voice over of him talking about treating this little blonde boy who looked just like him as a creepy home video of a little blonde boy plays in the background to delighted childish laughter. Ok, so now we think he's possessed, in addition to being very nice (and okay, a little foxy) but still utterly boring and straight laced.

Then we have a whole view of the women getting dressed for their First Bachelor Sighting a/k/a the first rose ceremony. We hate their bony asses. All of them. But especially the one with the flat bejeweled belly button. Although we like Sarah from Canada's dad a little bit for teaching his daughter how to say "If you touch my daughter, you're dead" in French.

As much of this first hour is like last week's episode, it is unworthy of the Bachelor News Update. Except, it must be mentioned that Kristen Big Boobs McGee's ideal day would be to wake up and sing a little song to her beloved, "good morning, good mooorning." And then instantly dance her way into Singin' in the Rain. And Travis was impressed by Tara's big brilliant smile. What?!? She is like a little red-headed piranha--teeny tiny mouth. sharp little teeth. And Jaime from Virginia decides that if Trav offered her a piggy back on the first date, by golly she'd go. She'd hike her dress up and everything. AND Stephanie acts like her ankle is injured to get Trav to touch it because she "doesn't fight in an obvious way" for her man. Oh, and Ali G the doctor who goes ape also coaches him on how to say her name and then freaks that she's losing $1500 a day being in France for this man who is not mature enough to pick her. Well, Ali G, thank you for endearing yourself to the common man.

But what we really care about, dear viewers, is the second hour of this special episode, in which Travis narrows the 12 survivors down to 8 "lucky ladies who have a chance to be a doctor's wife." Welcome to the 1950's, ladies.

There is much screeching when the women get to see their fabulous French Country Manor, where they will be living. And Big Boobs learns that she will get the first one-on-one date. But first, oooo, it is group date time for Cole, Yvonne, Sarah from Tennessee, Jehan (when did she get on this show?), and Elizabeth.

Okay, we're feeling it until Travis wears Those Jeans. You know the ones. Strategically faded from thigh-bend to knee and somehow mysteriously brown in said area, like someone had an accident. But he feels cool in said jeans as he welcomes the women onto his "party bus," a red double decker all pimped out with shizz.

The rest of this date is incredibly boring. It rains cats and dogs. They talk about their passions (Jehan is passionate about yoga and riding bike on the beach; Yvonne favors shopping). Cole says that "every mom in the world would be excited if her daughter brought home a doctor." We hate her for sheer stupidity. And then, the best line of the entire show: Travis says, "Did you guys see the tip of the Eiffel Tower?" Ahaaaaaaa. Mind = gutter. Oh, and Jehan gets the rose Travis was permitted to hand out on this date. We don't really like her either because of her strange straw-like hair.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Kristin is working on a little poem for her date with Travis. Because, you know, she really expresses herself through her poetry. Or, as Sarah from TN calls them, "poe-eeems." Ahem:

Tonight is our first date;
And being with you, I know it will be great;
We're going cruising down the Seinne river together
And after last night, I hope we have great weather.

Thinking it's done, Travis says, "Oh, that's great. Thank you.".....and then she turns the page.

So Let's go have some fun
and make sure we look up at the sky;
because you never know which stars
Will make a twinkle in your eye.
---Keep Smilin, Kristen.

I wonder if she dots her "i"'s with hearts. Needless to say, whether it was the Estelle Getty black sequin number she was wearing, that she cut her orange rind into fake teeth, or that she attempted to drink her wine with the teeth, she gets the big axe at the end of the date. The fact that Travis called her mother to find out her favorite food (Italian) only makes it more harsh.

Ooo, but we learn some things about the women at home during this date. First, Yvonne gets props for wearing big prescription glasses, pigtails, and a barrett. Second, Susan gets turned on when a man's nipples get hard. And Tara likes a paddle. And several of these women like to have their hair pulled. And we are confident, dear readers, that this will lead to a number of misguided bedroom maneuvers of the male viewing audience from this point forward.

So then Trav feels "pretty damn cool" on group date #2 when he brings the remaning six women (Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada, Tara, Jennifer, and Shiloh) via helicopter to Champagne, France to visit....a champagnery. Who knew such things existed? Just like Jennifer the model, who is actually shaping up to be our favorite despite the ill-planned turquoise dress of episode one, we did not realize that champagne was chilled in a giant cave.

Shiloh, Sarah from Canada, and Tara have 1 on 1 time with Travis during this date. Travis ends up giving Tara the rose, but the best part is Sarah's time with him. He doesn't want to kiss her on a "6 on 1 date." And she says her time with him is "wow." Okay, so my first year of college, there was this guy named Patrick that I did not have a crush on. But I always talked to him as if I did. And it was very embarrassing. One time he came up to me and said, "so, this is a nice day we're having." and I said, "Yeah, I'm like, wow!" Future lawyers of america, unite.

And now we are down to the rose ceremony. Moana has joined Star Trek with her hair, all weird and lumpy like a giant seashell vertebrae coming out of her forehead. Sarah from TN is worried that she gave the wrong impression by telling Travis that she generally starts relationships as friends first (what is this show coming to?). And then, because it is Susan's birthday, Travis "walks her to his bedroom to give her a special something...."

And it's just a cake, but Travis really needs to be careful how he says these things. Susan closes her freakity bright eyes and makes a wish, and then starts in on The Speech: "It was like lightening struck when I first saw you....this has never happened before....the world melts away when I see you...." shutupshutupshutup. Oh, we are all cringing through the afghans on our sofas as we cannot bear to watch. Fortunately, Tara and Jehan bust up the party by breaking in on Susan and Travis....only to be turned away by the Trav because they both have roses and he needs to focus on those who don't. Well, way to go Travis. Our hears warm slightly to the Bachelor on that one.

And then Sarah from Canada gets the first kiss. She is, of course, "cute" for being all growly giggly and convincing him to kiss her. Shoot us now.

And finally, he chooses, in addition to Jehan and Tara....
1. Moana (WTF)
2. Sarah from TN
3. Jennifer (whom we like because she is a wing ding and was dancefighting with Tara at the champagnery, but we didn't put that in the Update because this is already far too long)
4. Sarah from Canada
5. Shiloh
6. Susan, but only because she was shooting him death rays.

Stay tuned for next week, when Trav does the white man overbite (hey, ho) and we get to hear more bad poetry: "Tomorrow night we have 1 rose. One stays and one goes."

Oooo.