Charlie Season FINALE: He rolls the dough. He rolls the dough. He cuts the dough.

When I was in 8th grade, I had the hugest crush on this big meathead with a perfect physique, Joel. My friend had class with him, and she would make notes on everything he did: He mixes the dough. He rolls the dough. He cuts the dough. He puts sprinkles on the dough. He bakes the dough. Etc. I literally have folders full of these notes. Yet they all could have been condensed into "the dude cooks." So too could have been this meandering 3 hour bachelor finale, which this viewer watched WITHOUT the benefit of alcohol because she got home late and had to settle for Ben & Jerry's and expandable pants.

First, we see Chuckie take Krisily and Sara B home to Mauntauk to meet his family and friends. Krisily is first--she meets Chuck on the beach, where we see several close ups of her throwing her head back and flashing her crest white strips in uproarous laughter. Then, they take these little mopeds (just like the kind I'm going to buy when my back falls apart and I can't stand up. Eeeeeeeeeee) over to meet his friends Frank, Steve, and Jack, who are by all accounts fuckwits. Steve says that Krisily is "down," which I think means cool. Jack makes sure to talk about how Chuckie and he "sail together," and "do business." Well okay, Chauncy, put a little ice in that gin for me, won't you? So then, Chuck and Krisily go back to meet his parents, British Michael and Jersey City Linda. Linda is 6 feet tall and has a huge necklace of bones around her neck. Not like real bones. Like plastic, white, 4 inch long dog bones. It is so ugly it is awesome, similar to this viewer's parrot earrings. We instantly like Linda in all her misguided hippiedom, but we do not see her true views on much because after everyone agrees that Krisily is wonderful, they say goodbye.

Date #2 is with Sara B, and this time Linda is wearing teeth. Big, long, white teeth. Around her neck. I suppose some people keep their glasses on a string in order not to lose them, so we mustn't judge. Anyway, the main thing we see in this date is Jack being a total complete jerk to our dear Sara. He pulls Sara into another room while they are dining at Chuck's parents' house, and proceeds to attempt to provoke her through really accusatory questions. "So, you're a southern belle? So, you like Chuck? Really? Really? You like him?" Finally, when she says she's independent and not going to take his shit, he says, "Oh, so you're controlling?" Evil, evil Chauncy the sailor. THEN, after telling Charlie that Sara is bossy, he brings it up again at the dinner table, saying rudely in front of Chuck's parents that Sara B being "motherly" is really a nice way to say she's controlling. At the end of the date, Charlie is all, "Oh, I'm so glad you could meet Jack. he's my best friend." And SB's like, "yup."

We leave this date being mad at Jack and not really knowing much about how the rest of the date went. But we comfort ourselves in knowing that Jack is one of those men who will have a perfectly enormous ass when he gets older.

On the women's last day at Mauntauk, each gets a letter under the door asking them to meet Charlie outside, where they learn.....that Chuck isn't ready to pick and wants to keep dating them until the live show tonight! We should be shocked, but have seen this announcement a hundred times in previews, so we are nonplussed. But before they say goodbye, each woman has a final date with Chuck back in New York. Basically, Chuckie gives Krisily a picture of them snorkeling together in Aruba, and Sara B asks him not to be "intimate" with Krisily while they are continuing to date, out of respect to all involved. I guess that's his gift to her.

Now we come to the live show: He rolls the dough.
Chris brings Charlie out, and then they proceed to go in circles about how Chuck's not looking forward to breaking someone's heart and Chris is like, "Oh, but aren't you excited" and Charlie is like, "no, not really Chris. And by the way, that is an awful tie." so forth.

Next, we see Krisily: He rolls the dough.
Is she ready to have it over with? Oh yes she is. And she is looking stunning tonight in this ivory dress that channels Scarlett Johannsen (or however you spell her name) with her hair just boardering one of those anvil-style up-do's that Paris Hilton always does and that this viewer cannot stand.

Then, we see Mary and Byron: WTF.
What are Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots doing here? Didn't we leave them 2 seasons ago? Apparently, they are making a plug for their wedding, which is coming up next year. They also just bought a house together.

Third, we see the contestants return home: He cuts the dough.
Chuck has a perfectly stilted conversation with his brother Jerry, where Jerry is like, "You're a great guy and such a good judge of character and I am saying all of these things to make you look like a catch and me like a fairminded individual." Krisily returns to Rhode Island, where mom says she's "gonna kill" charlie for not making up his mind and Nana says, "Well, did you kiss a lot? You hafta kiss to keep yah meayn." Sara B returns to her dog Lucy.

Finally, Charlie comes out: he sprinkles the dough.
Chuck's voice is shaking. He says he's found love, but that his focus is on how he has to break a woman's heart.

And then, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, we go to another ad break and start the whole filling-of-dead-air-time-with-notes-full-of-"he-rolls-the-dough" again for another hour. Here's a recap:
Chuck says he's 30 and ready to settle down. A little Pillow Talk segment ensues of him talking to the "girls" on their cell phones. Too bad we can't split the screen in three and have them all on together, all talking about nothing for the cameras while lounging on their beds with their legs in the air, like you know. THEN we see them each watching the show with their friends. Best line award goes to the Grandmas:
1) Krisily's Nana, of Charlie and SB not kissing: "They're not kissing on the lips. What's up with that?!?"
2) Sara B's grandma, when she finds out Sara B is a final contender: "Is he Catholic?"
Next, the families talk at the live show. Nana shared her philosophy on premarital sex with the audience: "You hafta try before you buy." Okay, so then we see each woman having an additional date in Mexico with Charlie. My favorite part of this was the red octagonal "alto" sign and the random dog running down the street. Oh, that so captures Mexico. (???). And THEN we see the last dates Charlie had with each women: Krisily at a BBQ with friends and Sara B mini-golfing. And finally, we check in with Sara B, who is nervous, and Charlie, who is nervous and repeats his previous 5 minutes about not wanting to break someone's heart.

And finally, an hour later, it's time for the moment of truth. Charlie has decided to break up with the one woman in the privacy of her dressing room because it's pure evil to do it in front of her family and a crowd on live television. He goes to her dressing room.....and it's Krisily. Poor girl, she's sucking on a life saver, which she stuffs up in her cheek (the one, unfortunately, turned to the camera). She also has her shoes off, which makes this viewer feel better about feeling looserish for not wearing uncomfortable but pretty shoes. Charlie does the whole "let's be friends" routine, and let me tell you, we love Krisily for this. She is gracious, and wishes Chuck and SB well in the most sincere voice, and keeps it together, and suddenly we realize that Krisily is the bomb for taking it like a champ. The Rocky theme ensues....

The Chris drags her out before the audience and makes her answer all of these stupid, stupid questions. My favorite was, "How long does it take to get over something like this?" WTFWTFWTF. Nana and mom come down from the audience and sweep her away.

And then, at last, three years oh I mean hours later, the lights come up to see Charlie standing by the Final Rose. The doors open and here comes Sara B in this brown halter dress with little sequins all over it. They smile, and Chuckie starts to cry, and he launches into a big awkward speech about how it's so great to be them and he'll be the best boyfriend ever and he'll take care of her and he'll be the best boyfriend ever and there's no better person for him than her and he'll be the best boyfriend ever.......until he says "well, say something!" and she kisses him. They say some awkward "I love you"s, he gives her a "promise ring" (augh), and then they drink champagne as she announces that she's moving to LA. Fizzle.

And that, my dear readers, is the last of the Bachelor Episodes perhaps to air ever. That's right: The bachelor faces an uncertain future, so this may be our last late Monday night together. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but if by chance no more Bachelors bind us together, it's been a joy.

Adieu.