Travis Part 1: Hergdee Bergdee Dergdee Berkdee Boo

hergidee bergidee boo Stork Stork Stork!!!

Hey hey bachelor fans and fanettes, it is time to cook the chickie with our very own chiseled blonde blue eyed Swedish chef, Travis Stork. He is actually an E.R. doctor from Nashville, honies, and thus even more perfectly named.

We begin episode one with extensive views of the Parisian People's Penis, a/k/a the Eiffel Tower. Leave it to the Parisians to one-up us on the Washington Monument. Anyway, we see said Penis/Tower from near, from afar, with lights, and so forth until we are quite confident that we have learned that bit of geography intimately. Thank you, ABC.

This is the episode in which many boring meet and greets occur and many cheesy words are spoken as we narrow the field from 25 to 12. So I shall be brief. Our first view of the women is in the limos, giddy and giggling. My favorite is the idiot woman who sticks her entire torso out of the limo on the way to meet the Bachelor, champagne glass flapping in the wind and hair blown over her face like a broom. My guess is that this is Jamie from southern virginia, for reasons set forth below. Anyway, the first limo pulls up outside a castle, and this viewer instantly realizes that she must learn how to spell/say "chateau" with a straight face for this entire season.

Before the women even exit the limo, we have a pre-emptive "This just got very real." Usually, this phrase is saved for at least episode 4. But we see that this is a smarter group, appropriately picked for an E.R. doctor who graduated magna cum laude from his class at Duke, and so things must go faster. We shall endeavor to keep up with their rapier wit.

Nikki Hilton is the first one out of the limo. Apparently, her name is Susan, and she is very pretty although her eyes are a little too close together and a little too bright. Take me to your leader. She and the Stork have a conversation which can only be a euphemism for one thing for which the Parisian People have built a tower: SHe says "I like your place. It's very big." And he says, "Yeah, it's huge." And she says, "well, I'm looking forward to seeing you in it." And he says, "yeah." uh-huh.

Next out is Cortney, a Law Clerk. STOP THE PRESS. You mean I could have been on this show?!? If I were, I sure as hell wouldn't be wearing the giant ropey fishnet she wrestled from the sea and strapped across her chest like a halter. Wtf.

We then have Kyle, who comments a great deal about the house (one of many), April, whose shoe fell off, and Jihad (or actually Jean or something pronounced weird). Jihad is the first to make the Prince Charming analogy, which is very annoying but we don't care because she gets cut anyway. Then Kristen, who is big boobs McGee incarnate from the very first season of the Bachelor. Anybody remember Amanda, who liked to jump out of the closet in a wonder woman costume? Anyway, Jennifer the model is in a turquoise bridesmaid dress, Tara is a little red head who is almost pretty but a little to sharp-toothed and feral for this viewer's tastes, and Venus who has never been to Paris (but probably rode there in a shell, naked). Moana, really pronounced that way, says it/she is "one hell of a ride" and Cole is wearing a hot pink version of that JLo dress cut all the way down to her fancy. Then Sara, Lisa, Princess, and Liza round out the first group.

We have ten more women bursting forth from limos and giggling, but the only ones worth mentioning are Jaime from Southern Virginia, whose head looks like an anvil so strange in her hair, and Yvonne, who says "love the suit. love the tie. All well coordinated. Love it." a la Karen from Will & Grace. Yikes! Oh, and Sarah the graduate student from Canada, who is a delicate blonde totally unlike this viewer and also all sexy-growley and little panting sighs (email doesn't work to describe).

So the big word at the party is that Trav has a single red rose inside the chateau (hee hee) for the very special girl he wants to continue. OMG, who will it be?!?! Read with me. Allie the 33 year old doctor says her eggs are rotting in her, so it better damn well be her. Kristin brings Trav a shot glass from home to endear him to her. Now that is high class. Moana says that Travis appears to ask serious questions, unlike other men. Apparently, she will be the "injured one" this season. Allie confronts Trav about her reproductive system. Yvonne then tells him she's not ready to reproduce. We cannot get past Cortney's fishnet. And then suddenly, unexpectedly, Sarah the growly panter gets the special rose! That took us by surprise.

And all too soon, it's time for the rose ceremony. Cole, Moana, Jennifer of the turquoise, Elizabeth, Shiloh, Yvonne (Wtf), Sh...something or other, Susan of the close-set eyes, Feral Tara, Sara from Tennessee, and Kristin Big Boobs McGee get the roses. Woa.

And then.... Allie the doctor goes ape. Conventional dating methods have not worked. Email has not worked. The internet has not worked. The only reason to get married is to have kids and she is ready. She storms after Travis and demands, "why didn't you choose me? Am I too short? Are my boobs too small?" And he's all, "uh, well you kind of freaked me with the reproductive thing. I'm not really at that phase." And she says he's wrong because he's in his mid-30s and dammit he should be there. And this reader notes that yeah, she does have a good point, but pulling that producer in front of the camera to continue her rant is going a little too far.

And we fade to the credits, where now the halter-dressed women are draped in blankets from the chill they previously could not feel in the Bachelor's presence. Stay tuned for the upcoming season, which at some point involves women in a fish tank spying on a couples massage.

Only, my babies, on the Bachelor.