Travis Part 5: A Growler and a Weeper, an Actress and a Keeper

Good morning bachelor fans! Episode Five began last night with our final four contestants traveling on that midnight plane, bound for home sweet home. Okay, so it actually started with a really scary flashback to hometown dates of previous seasons (daddy, I can't believe you brought your gun!). As we have already mocked all of these in days gone by, we won't do it again. So....

Travis is contemplating the Final Four as he packs his many zipper-neck sweaters in preparation for returning to north america. We notice that Dr. Fabio has opted to unbutton not one, but two buttons on his shirt, perhaps to more closely approximate the feeling of a zippy sweater. He ponders Susan. Beautiful, Intelligent Susan who has not let it go to her head. He thinks on Innocent Sarah from Canada. Oh, and then Sarah from TN, a "great friend, but will romance develop?" And finally, Sexy, Mysterious Moana who is Not Trying to Force Anything. We are secretly beginning to wonder if Travis = fucktard.

Travis visits Moana in her hometown of St. Clemente, CA first. She is totally stoked, man, as evidenced by her greeting: "How's it goin,' good lookin' ". We mouth this phrase to ourselves several times over with various sultry gazes, and then choose to drink our tea instead. Meanwhile back on the beach, Trav reveals his master plan to move to the mountains. He and Moana further discover a mutual love of Britney Spears' micro jeans' skirt, that they are transitioning to new parts in their life, and that they can kiss while afloat on surf boards. Oh, the romance. She feels really scared to feel this safe.

Next stop is Chateau Moana, where she brings Travis to meet her dad Ray, her mom Cheryl, and her step-mom, who shall remain nameless as this viewer did not write it down. My god, Moana is wearing those ginormous donut earrings again. Travis kisses up to Ray, who wants to know if Mr. T is a Christian, then seems to know nothing about Presbyterianism. But the step-mom is a real peach. Frankly, she is just disgusted when the union of marriage is undermined and mocked. Which is why she has married a divorced man (I mean, come on). Moana steals her dad to do a little damage control and brings out the Mommy Card: her parents apparently became engaged within 3 months of meeting, when mom brought dad cookies and hot cocoa at a football game. Aw.

In the end, Moana concludes that her family "lit Travis up and threw him on the BBQ." We are then treated to a Philip Glass music video as Moana and Travis kiss to weird flute trills and she repeats, for the 100th time, that she would be devastated if this didn't work out.

Date # 2 is in Oh, Canada with Sarah. We love her top, which is dark pink and chiffony and a bit low across the girls, although we recognize that if we were to wear it, we would be eyeballing said girls in a panic all night, for fear that one might pop out so low is the bodice. But not Sarah. She is confident to feed ducks in this top, to reconnect with Travis, to play pool, and to lie down with Travis on her little twin princess bed with a net canopy and teddy bear. Yes, Sarah from Canada still lives at home with her mom and two brothers, both of whom think they could sing Frank Sinatra if they really wanted to.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. First, Sarah and Travis go to a bar where the pool playing occurs and where we learn that Sarah really is THAT young, as she attempts incessantly to talk about Moana and the house dynamics. This is very boring, and we find ourselves much more interested in the Valentine's Day theme of the family dinner, which includes Sarah's mother wearing red to match their dining room chairs, Travis wearing a gray zipper sweater with a red inside, and the many girly pink and fluffy items inside Sarah's room. But we won't make fun, as we still sleep with an ewok.

Date # 3 is in Nashville. Oh dear readers, we have a new favorite! Hark the herald, let Sarah from TN sing!!! Travis and the other Sarah live 1 mile from each other in Guitar City, go to the same grocery, work out at the same gym, run in the same park, etc. Thus, we are treated to Travis walking over to Sarah's house with his well-trained dog, Naula. We at the Bachelor News Update can appreciate a well-trained dog, having suffered through 9 months of a werewolf named Snuffy who once ran wild for three hours despite the incessant calling of "Snuffy, SNUUUFFFY," by his owner as this viewer tried to disassociate herself with said owner so that she would not be killed when the other canoers Took Him Down. Fortunately, Sarah from TN is spared this experience.

The park is idyllic. Naula frolicks They talk about Travis' big plan to move to the Rocky Mountains, he feels that she has integrity and like he can be at peace with her, and then her kindergarteners attack him. They are actually very cute, and accompanied by Sarah's sisters Linsay and Addy. We quickly learn that these are the lesser-freakity named members of her family, as we subsequently meet her aunt Rhota, father Addison, and mother Vernita. Why hello, Kathy Bates circa Fried Green Tomatos.

Travis ends up cooking dinner at his house for Sarah's family. OMG, we love his house. He even appears to have cooked a vegetable with his dinner, despite the extensive use of a grill. We are impressed despite ourselves. This date ends with a videotape of Sarah singing in what must have been a high school musical (we can tell by the big step-kicks and jazz hands) and then finally, a kiss goodnight. We find that we are rooting for Sarah.

The last date is with Susan in Durham, NC. He meets her on a bridge, which is not manufactured at all, and then they drink wine out of camping cups in the middle of the park, play football, and kiss as Susan keeps one eyeball tuned to the camera. She feels like the only woman in the world when he looks at her. And, she shares with him her philosophy of relationships: You and your mate are like two cups. If you are both full, then it's great. But if only one of you is full, then the other one spends all its time pouring into the less-full cup until both are eventually empty. That's not what she wants.

Let me put this in terms that all of us from Indiana can understand: If I have a wagon full of shit, and you have a wagon full of shit....

On to the parents' house: dad Ken, Mom Kathy, and brothers Brian and Matt. Travis confesses that he had a huge sense of relief when Susan walked out of the limo. We think, "thank god, these aliens don't look all that different." But we seriously become disturbed when Susan's mom pulls her into the kitchen to remind her that she just broke up with her fiance, that she has no apartment, and is on the verge of starting a different career (in acting). And then Mom says to Travis that Susan shouldn't be dating so soon after her break-up. And then Dad tells Susan that he hopes she's not using this to launch her career. And THEN Susan says that she'll use whatever vehicle takes her there and that she hopes she doesn't get cut this week. GASP. We HATE SUSAN.

But Dr. Trav doesn't listen. He goes back to Susie's hotel room, where she finally breaks the news that she was "in a relationship recently," but is here with him now. Pure. Evil.

Finally, we head back to Paris for the last rose ceremony. Travis has chosen a completely unfortunate outfit for this somber occassion. Crap colored jacket, light blue shirt, and blue shiny striped necktie. We are forced to eyeball him in this concoction as he watches videos from the four women. None if this is worth mentioning except Moana, who has *wimper* found a piece of herself *gasp* with him and *crying* now that she's brought him to her family *sob* she feels like the two halves of her live are *snuffle* complete and *shudder* she wants to give herself to him because *choke* she knows he would be careful. He feels the stakes rise.

And at last, we see the return of Black Velvet, in a slow southern style. Moana has taken the Anvil hairdo to a whole new level. It does not work with her 1940's style dress. Or any other article of clothing. Ever. Sarah from Canada is more normally dressed, though in a blue velvet dance outfit. Susan is channeling the equestrian within, as she approaches in yet another velvet dress with a long pony down the back and a simpering walk. Thank goodness Sarah from TN wears a sort of green gray dress. Viva la TN.

And he picks
1. Susan (Nooo)
2. Moana (NOOOOO)
3. And Sarah.........from TN. YES!!!!!!

Sarah from Canada says goodbye. They are just at different stages in their lives (um, yeah). She looks a little rough as she cries into the camera, but we believe it to be for the best.

Stay tuned for next week when the women go on Romantic Overnight Dates and Susan auditions for the Young and the Restless.