Travis Part 4: Sensitive New Age Guy

Episode Four begins with psychology 101: What Do Her Earrings Say About The Woman Within? As the women file into the living room, we notice that Moana is wearing donuts on her ears. Yet it is Susan's armless women take the cake: huge air-filled heads with a stick hanging down, but no cross stick to empower them. Upside-down flappy male symbols, sans-arrow.

But we instantly forget the earrings as we are flung headlong into SportsCenter. Jennifer our former favorite and Shiloh make a surprise comeback to choose which lucky two women get the individual dates with Dr. Feelgood. We are thrown into confusion because Shiloh is so very pretty, but Jennifer is like Cruella DeVille in some sort of faux dalmation coat and one of those lace tops that women think look sexy but really look like a doily. Hers even has a tie to make it tighter around the neck. Have so many seasons of the Bachelor deadened our sense of quality womanhood even as they have sharpened our fashion taste? We ponder this paradox as Jennifer and Shiloh whip through the women. Sarah from Canada may be too young. Susan may be too artificial because she wants to act (and those eyes, my god those eyes). They finally say something about Feral Tara being 22 and drunk all the time. And Moana has a melt down. Nothing new here.

Ultimately, Jihad is chosen for the first individual date, which of course involves one of those improbable wicker suitcases that you get at your wedding so that you and your new spouse can go on a picnic. You know, just like when you met. Anyway, we hate Jihad's sleeves. They are crocheted beige like those horrible plant hangers I secretly like and dangle well past the edges of her coat. We are amazed that she does not manage to hang them in her baguette, wine, or cheese that Dr. S ditched her to buy while he bought her a charm necklace of the eiffel tower. If I had a charm from some of my recent first dates, there would be a hot wing, a peanut shell, a miniature of Stayin' Alive, and at least half a dozen fools.

So surprise, Jihad was married! Oh, but it was really just one of those things. You know, you're 25, you think you love him but he really just wants to stay in the country. It's really understandable, which is why Dr. Livingston lies through his teeth and says it doesn't change how he feels, but would she mind terribly if he didn't give her a rose? He wants her to stay until the rose ceremony, but it "wouldn't be fair" to give the rose at such an early stage of their relationship. As we all know, this is just a variation of the I'm a Mature Man Sensitive to Your Feelings Dump: "I met someone, and I am so confused. I think you're so special, and I respect you so much, but I was wondering if I could date you both for awhile?" Like somehow ambi-dating makes it less of a dump. Jihad of course agrees to stay and runs home to tell the other women for some completely mystifying reason.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, date box #2 has arrived. "Join me for a ride through the French Countryside." Dum Dadalum Rawhide, Yah!!! Because all women want to dress in head-to-toe spandex, sit on a bike seat for a few hours and then cram their now weirdly abrasioned backsides into bikinis to parade around a spa, Dr. S chooses to have a "Tour de France" themed date. He makes the women compete in a bike race for a special surprise, and Moana brings her A-game, blowing past Tara at the end. We secretly think that if Tara's liver hadn't been so busy processing all that alcohol, she could have won, but then we wouldn't have Moana and Travis in a couples massage in which he manages to convince her that he is a good communicator and the other women spy through the glass pool side WTF, on many levels. Our favorite scene here is the slo mo of hands massaging naked skin. hahahaaa.

To be perfectly honest, we are so amazed by Sarah from TN and her use of ginormous hot rollers that we don't quite notice date #2 ending. She is like a big brown cauliflower, all a twitter as she prepares for the last date, her solo adventure with Dr. Love. When she takes said rollers out, we are sadly defeated, as we had hoped to finally understand what special edge was achieved by such tools. But she looks just like she did before....except now she is wearing this shirt that has one demure sleeve and one pit roaming free. We think you are sweet, Sarah, but hell no.

Sarah and Travis go to Monte Marte (however you spell it) to get sworn at by the french and drawn by this freakity sketch artist that looks like Mad Eye Moody in a cape and black fedora. Over dinner, the Stork tells Sarah from TN she is "pure and true" and that he "respects her so much that she is a kindergarten teacher." Oh, and that she has "far exceeded his expectations." Even though this comment is online with "I ate it and I didn't get sick," Sarah chooses to see it as a compliment, thereby sealing her fate as far, far more virtuous than we. She gets the rose.

At home, the remaining women go ape about Moana. While talking about how mature they are, they also say that they would "vomit" if Moana got a rose at the next ceremony. Moana is understandably upset when she overhears this, and we give her props for standing up to them. Even if she does it while wearing some Daisy Don'ts.

After all this, Travis decides to bike on over to surprise the women one last time before the rose ceremony. To make his street cred more legit, he channels Bruce Springstein with a head bandana. Hopefully, the french will know he built this city. He built this city on rock and roll (yes, we know that Bruce didn't sing this song, but it's what we began singing upon seeing the Stork take it to a new level). He attempts some one-on-one time with the women that he didn't take on individual dates, including Moana, who breaks down to him about how she knew she didn't need to be afraid when she saw him across the room for the first time, and that she's let go and she's changed and so grateful, etc. He worries about her feelings. And we worry about her sanity, concluding these things upon 3 weeks of knowing said Bachelor. We are also completely distracted by the wierd crystal necklace that Dr. Stork has taken to wearing.

And at last, the rose ceremony. The only thing mentioning here is that Tara looks alternatively squinty, scary-ass smiley, and like she ate a frog. We also don't recognize this random blonde chick for about 5 minutes...until we realize that it is Sarah from Canada and she is so clever with makeup as to actually change her appearance. Oh, and Jehan is sucking in her stomach and looking out from under her eyelashes with such conviction that we are confident she is going to pass out any moment.

In the end, Trav ends up picking Sarah from Canada, but only because he didn't recognize her and figured he'd forgotten to get to know someone. He also picks Susan, who does a little bump-shimmy when she accepts her rose, and...Moana. Oooo. Tara and Jehan go home. Sarah from TN already had a rose, so she stays. Tara of course is all whispery to Travis as she says goodbye: "somebody here is trying to deceive you...I left my Jim Beam in the closet...."

Stay tuned for next week, when we learn how the Final Four will look when they are older by meeting their mothers on their hometown dates.