Travis Part 3: I'm a Smitten Kitten

Episode Three begins with Dr. Strangelove (thanks Candy for the moniker) running up the road shirtless. Mmm, okay so A++ for the abs of steel. But we are immediately skeezed out to meet Matt and Kevin, fellow doctors, best friends of Dr. S, and named after my last two serious boyfriends. ABC has tried to spruce them up in sports jackets and hair gel, but you can only hide the M.D. factor so much. You know what I'm talking about.

So my boyfriends ask some critical questions: 1) what is the biggest muscle in the body (answer: the butt); 2) which ring would you choose and why (Moana is "shallow as a kiddy pool" in answering that one); and most importantly, 3) what is your unique talent. Susan can juggle, which she probably learned on the planet she came from. Sarah from Canada can do the splits, topped off with a triumphant growl. And Sarah from TN can fit her entire hand in her mouth. Given then two of these talents are decidedly dirty, we are shocked to discover that Susan is the one given the individual date this episode. But she was the only one to name the biggest muscle, so once again the MD factor prevails.

So Trav picks Susan up for their date, and OMG, our dear Dr. S has reinvented the Mulletchest (mullehchey, since we're in france, dear readers). Business in the back, party in the front. Nice jeans--check. Sports jacket--check. Britney Spears Page Six T-shirt-check. Anyway, he picks Susan up, equally mysteriously attired in a white tank and low rise jeans. We hate her for not displaying muffin top upon sitting.

He and Susan drive around France in this amazingly small car and get completely lost searching for Paris. This very dull and boring "comedy" reaches its pinnacle in their conversation. To the tune of Ice Castles: Susan is all nervous, full of self-doubt, clutching her heart because she feels in "in here." Trav says she is "beautiful. Has so much depth." She says, "thank you for being on the same page as i am." He gives her a rose. THey walk out on the balcony of the hotel (when did they get a room????) and kiss as she runs her french manicure down his back and shows off her signet ring that she probably bought at Spencers for $5. She is a "smitten kitten." Who says that?

Meanwhile, the women are discussing Susan, of course. She apparently wants to be an actress some day. Lady, I got some news.... But Moana, who is a "pretty good judge of character" despite her Emancipation of Mimi fur-lined parka and highly questionable square glasses, says she doesn't think Dr. S will be fooled by Susan. This deep conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Date Box #2: The chest from the Temple of Doom. Apparently, Tara, Shiloh, Sarah from TN, Moana, and Jehan will be sailing the French Riviera on a yacht the next day.

Holy crap, Dr. S canNOT dance. Date #2 has everyone stripping down to swimsuits to dance around on the yacht and pretend like they are having "so much fun" with far more energy than any woman over the age of 23 really possesses. We see the white man "hey, ho" dance. We get a little "what, what." We even get a "down with it" fist pump from our man Dr. S. We instantly fall in love with our boyfriend for taking ballroom dance classes.

But the real shizz is that Moana takes charge and pulls Trav away on a jet ski. Oooo, the other women are all pissed, but we are incredibly distracted by the random guy with the scraggly moustache that pops up in the background of the camera view. WTF. But mystery man is forgotten when Travis takes the women gambling in the next shot, walking arm and arm in a big giant unwieldy row of six. Hey hey, we're the monkeys.

In the casino, Moana is, of course, smoking a cigar. We are more disturbed by Shiloh, who has chosen to wear her hair in that barret-on-top-long-on-the-sides look that only Reese Witherspoon can pull off and only because she looks 4 years old. And then we see that Shiloh's dress is really a tankini. Call me crazy, but a date with the Bachelor on national television is not the time to be a braless wonder. Shiloh takes her time with Trav to warn him that not all of the women are there for the right reason. Oooo. He says later that he's not going to formulate an opinion based on hearsay, and we compliment him for Best Use of a Legal Term by Lay Person.

The rest of this date passes in a blur. Travis questions whether Sarah from TN is a sexual being, and we want to sink through the floor for her. We feel a sudden kinship to Sarah from TN, as a recent scalping by a beautician has left us with eyebrows similar to hers. Feral Tara the Interrupter joins them to break up the party, and our dislike grows. But all women are perplexed by the fact that Trav won't hand out his rose until morning...when Moana seals the deal by putting on her parka, bringing him coffee in bed, and then climbing in with him. He concludes that he likes Moana because she "is not forcing anything." We are suddenly thankful that we are not faced with the prospect of dating such a twit. She gets the rose.

The last individual date is with Jennifer, our tentative favorite who breaks our heart by donning a fake fur shawl thingy and putting lots of hairspray in her hair to go camping. Oh, and growly Sarah from Canada too. The big controversy is that one of them has to go home that night. This date is really an even draw. We don't like Sarah because she uses bad grammar ("me and Travis...him and Jennifer), but we also regrettably don't like Jennifer because she acts like she's never heard of whittling before. And proceeds to hack at a marshmallow stick like it is biohazard. Not surprisingly, Dr. S elects to have Jennifer go home, who brushes her tears away with yet another french manicure. We are, once again, favorite-less.

For the rose ceremony later that week, Susan has chosen to let her ENTIRE breast hang out. This is my thing: if you are going to wear a dress cut down to your navel, for the love of god learn how to double stick tape and do not, under any circumstances, sit down. But since Susan, Sarah from Canada, and Moana have all gotten roses already, I guess that's her biz.

In the end, Jehan, Tara, and Sarah from TN all get the remaining roses (even though Jehan's dress is completely see-through), and Shiloh goes home. Travis says that he never really got that close to Shiloh, and we secretly think it's because of the giant gold sash she is wearing.

Stay tuned for next week, when the bachelorettes complete a bike race for a little something special from our Doctor of Love.