PLo Part 2: Goodburger

The Bachelor Episode 2 begins with devastation: PLo's ability to express his emotions appear limited to "I feel like a King." We realize that he is, in fact, royalty, yet we still wonder what sort of King and if he would like fries with that.

Chris Harrison starts us off, announcing (surprise surprise) that we will watch two group dates and one individual date. Lisa, our Earner of the First Rose, gets the first individual date, which has her all aglow. Erica the socialite is mad because Lisa just had to hug some trees to get it! But she will not go down without a fight. Le 'Ca grabs the first date box in her tiara and handkerchief dress with what can only be my funky-in-a-bad-way blue felt costume earring with the sequins glued on securing her dangerously heaving bosoms together. We would not get between Le 'Ca and her King, that is for sure.

We flash to Le 'Ca, confessional-style. "Dear camera, I really was not impressed with the house at all. Mr. Chris Harrison, I don't want to be in a room with three other girls, and I don't have a maid. This is ridiculous. My room at home is 5 times bigger." For a moment, we consider donating our apartment to Erica, along with our crazy downstairs neighbor Miss Marie and her dog Poo Bear. But then we realize, Le 'Ca might actually like said dog, as she had hers dressed like a little American Girl doll in the first episode.

Anyhow, the first date starts up with Le 'Ca, Jami, Sadie, Ellen, and Agnablahblah, plus one extra from the set of Deliverance posing as a Roman Guard at the Coliseum. Not much here except a scooter ride around town. You know, this reader would feel like a damn fool on a scooter. And others of us may not be able to get the image of our host sister in a foreign land sitting with her enormous bottom like a cliff-hanger at the end of the page that is the seat bottom of her own personal scooter out of our minds. But these women, THESE women look cute. Even in knee-length shorts and high heels. We hate them. Despite these distractions, we are impressed that Le 'Ca has managed to convince PLo that her license has "expired" and that she must ride with the aforementioned bosoms pressed to his back.

When they return to the Coliseum, we are treated to a "very special surprise" that we know PLo couldn't have planned (even though he claims he did) because no man other than my gay high school prom date would have done so: the women get to pick their own designer dress and have a cocktail party. We are not impressed with this, and waffle in our support of Jami, who says, "How did we get so lucky" and whose cocktail dress reveals tattoos that express her personality--a butterfly and stars. We feel more like a vulture than a butterfly or a star, and our identification with Jami weakens. Sadie, a sweet little blonde thing who is saving herself for marriage, gets the individual rose on this date. We kind of like her.

Date #2 is with Lisa in the Park Borghese, with a picnic basket of the whicker variety. In her own words, she has watched a lot of seasons of the Bachelor. With her engaged = 1 year, married = 2 years, kids =5 years timeline, this is a really great for her because she needs to find somebody right away. PLo unwittingly foils this plan by saying he doesn't like people with timelines, and then (I am not making this shizz up), serves her a PLATTER OF HAMBURGERS. Lisa ends up getting a rose on this date, but we are starting to wonder if something isn't batshit crazy about her.

Date #3 is the final group date, with Jennifer, Sarah, Kim, Desiree, Jeannette, and Gina at the beach. He shows up with several helicopters (Ellen: "This prince came in a white helicopter.!!!") that the women are supposed to board, causing the one woman wearing shorts to be very, very thankful. Desiree (yeah, baby) can barely contain her excitement. We later learn that while she has a serious side, she loves being in love. Dear readers, she is "totally the kind that will show up at work and have a little fun in your office." She is "a little kinky, baby." Thanks for that, Desiree.

We don't know much about the villa where this date occurs, except that it contains a perfectly ginormous fruit plate. The women play tackle football (blondes v. brunettes, of course), and Desiree reports that PLo is "simply gorgeous" with his shirt off. We concede he's pretty cute, but are completely annoyed by his apparent attraction to Jennifer, the really, really perky reading teacher, age 23. She, of course, gets the rose on this date. But the BEST part is that Kim gets completely trashed, falls into a lighting guy for the show, and passes out. Shee planted ze last rose. She had swimming beads. Hellutz. No, you're laughig wid me. Waz?

Finally, finally we are at the end. PLo tells the women that they are at a beautiful place, but not as beautiful as them. During some "one on one" time with PLo, Agnablahblah wins props for characterizing the other women in the house as screetchity crazies. Kim justifies "falling asleep" on the last group date, Lisa is catty to a couple women, and Jami and Desiree find PLo's bedroom, as D must "smell and roll around" in PLo's sheets. OMG. All the women end up back in the bedroom, where Sarah wants to see if PLo has dancing skills. Sweet Jesus, save us from the funky chicken and I will never sin again.

Kim goes to sleep.

Le 'Ca wants a rose because PLo is royalty, not a commoner, and needs her.

And in the end, he picks (in addition to Lisa, Sadie, and Jennifer)
1. Jeanette, of whom we have no opinion
2. Desiree (oooo, baby, thank you so much!)
3. Jami
4. Gina. Okay, stop the press. This woman has got the worst ability to keep her face normal of anyone I have ever seen. She went from sulks to daggars to the Joker when she got a rose faster than spit.
5. Angneblahblah
6. Le 'Ca. Le WTF.

We are seriously annoyed that he cut Sarah, Ellen, and (not so much here. okay, we don't care.) Kim.

But next week, NEXT WEEK, dear readers, PLo once again "feels like a king" and has a 2M necklace to give away. Oh, and Le 'Ca loses her mind.

Stay true, babies.