P.Lo. Part 1: Oh Sweet Jesus

Dooo doo doo doo doo, doo Doo Barriillllllaaaaaa!!!! The Bachelor- Rome opens with our fair prince, Lorenzo Borghese, tossing a soccer ball in slo mo towards a youth on the street, stopping to smell a rose, and then going home to eat some pasta from a box so fresh it puts the neighboring Italian restaurant out of business. Ok, so not really, but it isn't every girl's dream to marry a prince who can play slo mo soccer. Some of us will settle for one who cooks us dinner, especially after eating from the same large pizza for an entire weekend.

But I digress.

The fresh prince is 34, simply calls himself "Lorenzo," played pee wee football, and owned a weener dog he liked to soulfully stare over the top of when taking photos in his youth. He is a pilot. He has a business in cosmetics. PET COSMETICS, people. I don't know what that nastiness is we see him rubbing on his hand during a teleconference "day in the life" moment, but it's green and doesn't belong on my face. However, we admit we might slightlyhavealittlecrushonhim because he looks like Steve Carrell and we loved the 40 Year Old Virgin. We hope P.Lo.'s not one.

Chris Harrison, our host, introduces him. Chris: "What do you think your famous ancestors, including the Pope, would think of you doing this show?" P.Lo.: "They would say, 'what are you doing?'" It's okay, Mulan, your ancestors will protect you on this journey. And when in doubt, just ask WWPD.

But first, we must meet the women. We hope that Lorenzo likes the screetchity ones, because he got saddled with a whole pile of 'em.

Erica the Socialite from Texas has a mwa-mwa kissy mother who runs around in a gold lame trimmed sundress. Le 'Ca is shocked to learn she must leave for Italy that very day, but fortunately her mom and housekeeper are there to assist her. But she might not want to bring her fur because of animal rights. We later learn that this is the first trip she has taken flying coach. We hate her. Particularly because she is a slow walker.

Quickly thereafter, we meet:
1. Sadie the publicist, whose career is going places with a headline like "it's every girl's dream to marry a prince"
2. Kim, who apparently is only going to put on only one glass slipper,
3. Jeanette, the teacher who is going to give all that her turquoise swimsuit can handle in this experience;
4. The moviestars:
--Rosella a/k/a Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinnie. We like her because she sold her car to come to Italy, but we don't like her anvil hairdo.
--Heather a/k/a Farah Fawcett when she went apeshit on David Letterman
--Andrea a/k/a Annette Benning lite
--Desiree a/k/a Sharon Stone. In a really, really bad way.
--Gina a/k/a Posh Spice. So busy shooting daggers at everyone else she forgets to blink.
5. Jennifer the 8th grade reading teacher that is REALLY EXCITED oh my gosh to be on this show and have this opportunity
6. Meri, who would be a goose if she were to be an animal. Sadly, she is an attorney.
7. Several other women whose dresses are either cut up to their hoo ha or down to their fancy. We simply note for purposes of this update that the Brunette appears to be making a comeback on the Bachelor, real or camouflaged.

We like exactly two women:
1. Jami from Texas, who grew up on a farm and briefly blinds us in a macrame dress she plans to whip out at some point but tastefully wears a pink number that only an amazon blonde such as herself can pull off and still make us like her for it. AND she likes the rolling stones. AND Bon Jovi.
2. Sarah from British Columbia, who Lorenzo tells he loves her dress, her hair . . . her glitter. hahaahaahaaa. We love Sarah.
3. We concede we may like some others upon further introduction.

But before we can consider the other women, we are instantly blindsided by Desiree. Desiree comes out of the limo in a white mini- toga regretfully concealing no shelf bra. She is ready to "bubble it up, baby." She gives a shout out to Mary Catherine Gallagher as she runs into the bachelorette pad, and later steals Lorezo so that she can tell him that she's "definately feeling him. He's extremely hot, baby." She also wants to "shake it" for him. Sadly, his comment that he's seen that in Vegas is lost on her.

Then boom--we are on to Lisa. Lisa is only 25, but has her love life "mapped out." She plans to be married at age 27, and will be engaged one year before that. We laugh at her, and then instantly stop when Lorenzo gives her his first rose of the evening, coupled with a pair of 2k diamond earrings. After she made him hug a tree. Apparently, P.Lo. and I would have gotten along very well in jr. high.

But all of this is too bad for Kim, who wanted "those f*ing earrings bad." She should have known better than to wear a Queen-of-England-neck-ruff-meets-wedding-singer-tuxlike shirt. It's Italy, Kimmie, not turn-of-two-centuries ago England or the backseat at prom.

Then, dear readers, Andrea (Annette B.) busts into song from the balcony. We are embarrassed for her but not too much because we are secretely getting annoyed with her throaty "buena serra" too-sexy-for-her corset topness. P.Lo. later says this was a nice Moment.

And apparently, the party has only just begun, as Andrea (Farah) starts her drunken "bring it on." We hate whichever woman says that "for an older woman [34], Andrea is not presenting herself well." We decide that one of the dozen 22 year old realtors made this comment, and we resolve to attend all future real estate transactions in heels. Andrea drunkenly informs P.Lo. that she likes cheeseburgers, which we all know is impossible because she looks like she hasn't eaten one in about 33 years.

And then, CRISIS: Chris H. throws two bona fide Italian babes in the mix. Cosetta, a "dancer" (we are thinking of the Kitty Kat Lounge variety) and Anajezeblahblah, a blindingly beautiful student who speaks no English whatsoever but whom he still picks for her brain. ahem. As morning dawns ( I would so be sleeping on the cobblestones at this point), P.Lo. picks the remaining 10 women:
1. Kim of the ruff
2. Jeannette of the swimsuit
3. Jami (we love her)
4. Ellen (we may love her)
5. Sarah (yay)
6. Desiree--nooooo
7. Jen, the perky reader
8. Gina/Posh spice
9. Le 'Ca (b/c she's wearing a tiara)
10. Sadie, we think a realtor.

These 10 will join Anajezeblahblah and Lisa as P.Lo finds his alleged bride to be. We hear a chariot race is involved.