PLo Part 5: We Have What You Call, A "Situation"

Episode 5 of our favorite show (yes it is. for all of us.) begins with a walk down memory lane, in which ABC recaps all the relevant points thus far. This viewer's favorite: "Sadie learned that her feelings for PLo were just as strong as her morals." Mwaaaahahaha.

Speaking of Sadie, we all go to San Diego to meet her family for the first home town date. As she meets PLo at the pier, we are endeared that she runs like she's tripping over herself, but horrified that she has adopted Britney Spears' terry cloth romper-meets-sundress. We soon realize that "Mu Mu" is a running theme in Sadie's life as our eyes are accosted by her best friend, Alexis. Alexis is a very pretty woman, but a windsurfing sail does not a dress make. Particularly of the tie-dye variety.

Once our eyes adjust, we meet Sadie's dad Reid, mom Colleen, and some nondescript sister. We are actually appreciative that, other than the unfortunate morals comment from before the ad break, ABC does not portray this relatively normal Christian family as the Revival Flames group from this viewer's college. Dinner is a non-event. PLo says he realizes where Sadie gets all her good qualities, Sadie says that PLo reminds her "of daddy." Mom says to "Guard her heart." And we fade out to PLo and Sadie on "Moonlight beach" making out by a pit fire in the sand. We are pretty sure that Sadie is wrapped in that blanket-that-snaps-into-a-bathrobe that this viewer got from LTD last year.

Then suddenly, we realize why we do not go to the park on dates. Le 'Ca flashes before our eyes on a swing, making some snarky comment about how you can't take the maid out of a girl. As we stare in horror at her fleshly backside squeezed oh-so-unflatteringly by the strap of the swingseat, we give props to the malicious camera person for shooting from the ground up.

Date #2 is with Lisa in Portland Oregon. This viewer strongly suggests that Lisa watch Lucky Number Seven on the ABC Family channel, before blathering on about her mapped-out love life one more time. But before we begin to retell the story of poor Brad Paisley's wife who believed she would marry the seventh guy she dated, we see the Ugliest Pug Dog Ever. We are confident that Gene Simmons owned this dog at one time, as its tongue is about 20 inches long. At any rate, Lisa brings PLo to her place, where they take a chapter from HGTv and paint a fresco on her wall. Martha S would be so proud. Of course, they dabble paint on each other....UNTIL....

Lisa's best friend Ali shows up with a wedding dress AND A TIARA. She thinks she would help Lisa along with her whole timeline, just in case the wedding magazines weren't enough of a hint. And as further assistance, she TELLS Plo about said timeline. Lisa is "pretty sure that seeing me in the wedding dress made PLo think I could be the One." And PLo is "Completely freaked out" by it. We love PLo, even if he can't kiss.

Next, we meet Lisa's brother Alex, Dad Fred, and Mom Tina. We are pretty sure that Fred is the most chilled out dad that ever there could be, as he calmly says that Lisa is "a planner" and wonders if PLo is ready to settle down. Meanwhile, Tina gives PLo a lesson in Pilates, which she apparently teaches. Because, you know, I want to lay on my back on some strange woman's floor, flap my arms up and down, and take 10 short breaths and out in "The Hundred" after dinner.

Date 3 is in Miami Beach with Jen. As we all know, we hate Jen because she is reallyexcitedforPLotomeether parentsbecausethatcould
meanthattheymightreallygetmarriedohmygosh!!!! We want to stuff her camo hat down her throat. But instead, we get the next best thing. Jen and PLo go fishing, where Jen catches a shark (for real), kisses its fishyness, and then spends the rest of the boatride trying valiently to avoid kissing PLo. We did not realize that she was so bendy.

So we go to Jen's house, where her dad Dennis has an "extensive" gun collection. We are also beginning to wonder what is up with PLo and the toy dogs, as Jen has some little rat of a terrier. Anyhow, Dennis wants to know if PLo is worthy of his princess. He begins each sentence with "Yo, Lorenzo." PLo seals his fate by focusing on how "attractive" he thinks Jen is when telling Dennis how he feels about Jen. Dennis takes out his high powered rifle, loads it and cocks it: "This is what I would grab for the individual that ever treated my daughter badly. I would find him, and hunt him, and get him. We would have what we call a 'situation.'" Run, PLo, Run.

But he doesn't. Which is why he is on the Bachelor. Quick like tree.

Once again, we get another flash to Le 'Ca. Um, she has some things in common with Princess Di. Even though she was a nanny, and Le Ca doesn't want to be one. We conclude that Le 'Ca is not worthy of commentary in the Bachelor News Update.

Finally, we have the last date in Venice, Italy with Agnese (formerly Agneblahblah). We conclude that her brother is cute, her sister canNOT be a real blonde, and her parents are fabulous, but the communication is not there even though Agnese completely rocks the English translating. We love that they dance after dinner in Tricorn hats. However, if we have to hear how "the most beautiful sight was Agnese," we may vomit a little into our mouths. It is "really hard" for PLo to say goodbye to Angese, so we all know she's getting the axe at the next rose ceremony.

And at last, that magical day arrives. The women channel that Celtic Women Sing Christmas cd "as seen on television" as they stand in their jewel-toned dresses before the castle and smile. Lisa looks like a giant turquoise bell. Agnese is a purple disco inferno. And she gets to shake shake shake her booty all the way to the limo, as PLo picks:
1) Sadie
2) Jen, and
3) Lisa. NOOOOOOOO.

Stay tuned for next week, in which Jen - having experienced the overnight date - now feels that she is ready to get married and have kids at the ripe age of 23.

Keep it real, my babies.