PLo Part 4: PLo's Make a Wish Foundation

"Hollah, bitches." The Bachelor Episode 4 shows us that there is No Place Like Rome when Le 'Ca rears her tiared head in a pink cape tied with pom-poms. Damn, we think. We thought she was axed. But no, she has returned to decide who gets the two 1 on 1 dates with PLo. Or as she says, she must determine "who is the least desiring of becoming a princess" and "who is the most insincere woman in the house." It of course, "takes a princess to know a princess." Yes, well, I'm sure that if you found a pea in your mattresses you would bitch about it, Le Ca.

So we have a little Real World video confessional in which every woman squewers Lisa except Lisa herself, who says that Jen is not a princess because she's not that pretty without makeup. We remind Lisa that in our youth (and therefore her infanthood), Seventeen Magazine concluded that the majority of bachelors out there preferred less makeup, which was comforting to us. Although we secretely knew that were too lazy to change our makeup-less ways even if it had been the other way around. And also unswayed by teen magazines. And twitty bachelors.

Anyway, Sadie starts to cry, but we don't really care because we are too distracted by her outfit. We did not realize that one could wear black pantyhose over a white tank top and not be engaged in robbing a bank. But whatever she says works, as she gets to "Fly with PLo for a Day of Pampering."

Sadie thinks that PLo is "hot, cute, AND smart" (this viewer seriously thinks this is the initiation of that particular word on Bachelor history) because he flys a plane. She also "really wants to make out with him," but fails to achieve lift-off in the hot tub, where they hover weirdly in the water. But she finally gets her kiss at dinner... and after dinner on the Mork & Mindy egg seat conveniently by the table. She, of course, gets the rose. He gets a San Diego Chargers t-shirt that says "whatever it takes." We think Sadie should have given that to Lisa, for reasons which shall be revealed on future episodes of the bachelor.

Meanwhile back at the Pink House, the group date box comes for Jeanette, Lisa, Angeblahblah, and Desiree. They get to be sexy roman goddesses, baby. Although Lisa knows "nothing about Roman history, but anything you want to know about Bachelor history." This viewer suddenly realizes that dear god, Certain Readers may think she is Lisa. Fortunately, we are not 25. We make no statement on our alleged knowledge of historical events of the bachelor variety.

The group date is at the Roman Aquaducts, where the women chariot race to get PLo to grant their wish. Jeanette makes it to the final race with PLo, who is winning and then "all of a sudden, Jeanette's team pulled out at the end and won!" Seriously, PLo, if you can't figure out why THAT happened on THIS show, you are lost to me. But Jeanette completely craps out on her wish, saying that she just wants him to enjoy the day. We no longer like Jeanette, as she is just too young.

The rest of the date is a "pool party," in which no rose is given. Although Lisa does say to some other chick that if she gets a home town date, she has it all planned: They will get her dog at the dog walk, go to the park, eat dinner at her house (in which her brother will serve), and then go for gelatos. Mwahaaaa. We are SO EXCITED to see this hometown date we cannot even tell you. We are equally excited to watch Lisa break the news to her brother.

Finally, the last date is with Jennifer. Okay, we just have to say that we CAN'T STAND this woman. We will call her Winnie because she does, dear readers. We have no tolerance for breathless giggles except in small children and perhaps late at night after too much wine.

So Winnie gets into her carriage ride and flashes the camera with a shot of her gum and squinty eye. She and PLo drink 40 oz.'s as the tool around Rome, and he says delightful things like, "Tonight is not only about Rome, but also about dinner." WTF. Her response: "Oooo, wow!" "Gosh!" "I'm so excited!" wtfwtfwtfwtf. So they have dinner, where we learn she plans to get a Masters in Guidance & Counseling, as she likes to help people with their problems. And he says (you knew this was coming): "I have a problem...I want more nights like this, and I don't know how to get them." And she says, "Oh, well, maybe you're going out with the wrong people." And we cringe because we cannot stand the winnying anymore. But he can, because he takes her to the Trevi fountain to make a wish. And it must have come true, because she gets the rose.

Back at the pink house, Desiree and Lisa get drunk and go skinny-dipping. We do not think this reminds us of streaking through the church in college during organ practice. No, we do not.

Finally, the rose ceremony. We are pretty sure that Sadie is wearing an entire black bear around her shoulders. We understand that she is trying to look elegant, but she looks like a haggy Grace Kelly. However, Jennifer/Winnie is no better, having chosen to wear her baton twirling costume. I suppose if we had a rose, we too would wear emerald green with a giant V of spangles on the front.

Jeanette and Desiree think that Lisa Knows Too Much about the show and is Not Here for the Right Reasons, but both get axed in the end. In a serious upset, PLo picks Angeblahblah and Lisa to join Jennifer/Winne and Sadie for the next round of Home Town dates.

Stay tuned for next week, in which a shot gun and a wedding dress make their appearance. Sadly, not in the same date.