A-Team Part 3: "P"

This viewer must begin with a shout out to her sister, who tried to phone her with the television remote control as the initial credits rolled. While we are loath to relinquish our own future spot on the Bachelor (as a secret underground journalist a la Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, of course), we note a certain criteria has been fulfilled. We heart you, sister.

Episode 3 begins with a montage: love lift us up where we belong, Stephanie from SC's freakity eyebrows, mud wrestling, the eyebrows, racing cars, the eyebrows. We stand firm in our conviction that she wants to be the next Fleiss Girl.

To fulfill the educational component of ABC's programming, we get to learn all about the letter "P." But sadly, from a heavy-breathing boot camp instructor with man breasts and not from Cookie Monster. In his words, "life sucks and then you die." But first, we must put on our "PT." That's physical training gear, for you newbies. PT apparently involves wearing no underwear under ridiculously short shorts, which we confirm by multiple gratuitous shots of women making their beds. Before the male contingent of this viewing audience gets excited, I leave you with this: Chafing.

But Erin is disappointed because she thought being on the Bachelor meant drinking and hanging out by the pool, and this is just NOT romantic. She also is "Pretty fit because she JUST had to go on a date and exercise." We all wish we were 24 and it was that easy to stop the ravages of time. But it is not, so we assist the downward slide by pouring a glass of wine.

Bootcamp is standard: a rose doubling as a carrot to get the chickies through it, bad rhymes ("I don't know what I've been told. I am going to get that rose"), toothbrush floor scrubbing, and concerns about grass stains from Kate the worm girl. But suddenly, Bevin is down!!! In her single-minded pursuit of the boot camp rose, she feels a snap. And then she is crying great, unbachelorette gulps and this viewer is reminded of the time she received a phone call to babysit 30 seconds after breaking her finger and screamed into the phone "I don't care!" when her other sister said, "it's for you" and then had to apologize to the nice family at church.

But Andy comes running up, of course. Mr. Drill Sargeant asks if he is a medic, and he says, "no, I'm a doctor." hahahaha. And then he diagnoses her with a "displaced fracture of the left ankle," stat (which turns out to be only a sprain). And THEN he whips the bootcamp rose out from somewhere and offers it to Bevin before riding in the ambulance with her to the hospital. He is "proud to give this rose to the fallen soldier, but also to the woman who gave her all for me." We are pretty sure we have to find a way to use that line over and over in our real lives.

And then we are whisked away to the first Group Date: a spa day with Stephanie from KS (gymnist), Nicole (drunken cake maker), Amber (we know nothing of her, so she will probably win), Tina/Wing, and Fleiss Girl. Oh, and guess what: It's in a giant mud bath. Forest, you see, "likes a girl who can get down and dirty" and cannot "wait to see these girls go down deep in the muck." FG does not disappoint him, rubbing all up against him because "me and Andy" have a connection and as soon as they see each other, it's like "come here."

But suddenly we don't care about FG's bad grammar because we learn that Forest gave Bevin a watch while at the hospital. Some men give diamonds at the birth of their first child. Forest apparently gives fancy watches when you break your shizz. wtf. We also get nervous as episode 3 may give our friend D new ways to convince this viewer to part with her velcro man watch. It has two time zones, D!!! But I digress.

Anyway, back we go to Group Date 1: and surprise surprise, Stephanie from KS gets the 1 on 1 time with Andy--a couples massage. FG is going to CUT HER, I tell you. But Steph is oblivious, teetering off in her high heels and bathrobe to rub him all over and convince him that he made the right choice.

Group Date 2 is with Kate of the worm, Danielle of the dead boyfriend, Erin, and Amanda. Forest shows up in a weird leather jacket; it's not brown, it's not red, it's not black. It's just weird. He takes them to an obstacle course with Dukes of Hazard cars and tells them to race. Erin is just so excited and can't imagine a more fun day and is going to be "awesome" at it!!! But she is also worried about Forest thinking that she is prissy, so she tells him that she likes to shoot guns. As he astutely put it, "Erin may have bleach blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she can do some manly things." Yeah. So run Forest, run.

But then we are pretty sure that Danielle just said that her boyfriend died IN BED BESIDE HER. And we curse our lack of videotaping capabilities. And we curse our sister for taking a bathroom break and being unable to confirm this conclusion. But we DO know that Danielle "woke up and he was dead." And we wonder, if this is in fact true, why she would ever admit it on national television? If untrue, we are thrilled to start a rumor. Whoa-oh here she comes, watch out boys she'll chew you up.

And then we see the obligatory slo mo of women in pleather jump suits tossing their hair and dangling fuzzy dice as they walk towards the cars to race. Andy thinks that "women who race cars are 'so sexy.'" Our skeeze meter goes up to 11. Amanda wins this challege, completing the obstacle course in 53 seconds. Erin takes 57 seconds because she doesn't drive stick, but wins the 1:1 time with Andy anyway because she unhinges her jaw. Judas. We did not know she was a snake. But Andy wants to tell her that he "straight up" likes her, and she says she likes him, but is having trouble coming out of her 'shell' and he says bring it on.

Blah blah and on to the final date: a "two on one" date with Tessa and Pey. Ton. We secretly hope that Peyton goes home just so we stop having to hear Forest pronounce her name like "water" in the Miracle Worker. We are irritated that their date box includes a t-shirt that says "future sailor's wife." We also are disappointed because, in the end, Tessa and Pey.Ton. are dressed exactly alike in like the dress/slacks versions of a J.C. Penney pattern called "bandeau top baby." And we wonder how anyone with a chest can wear said top without looking like she has four breasts, two of them on the floor.

And then it hits us. Dear everyone, the reason we have had so few outfits to make fun of this season is that these candidates are dressed alike. Yes, I'll say it: we have a uni-tard situation on our hands.

But off we go to the USS Midway, where we walk through a "Pway" (passage way, babies) to get to Madame Toussad's. We have a frozen/wax dude posing behind the lunch line containing something suspiciously like chitlins and a wax action model of surgeons performing an appendectomy. We are disappointed not to be able to take our picture beside any of these. But more dismaying, we witness terrible flirting between Pay.Ton. and Forest involving a stethascope and hearts with a flutter that are in "need of some love." We conclude that we are never, EVER coming off the dating shelf even for mysterious DOJ attorneys, self-supporting musicians, or German versions of our childhood crush, Ichabod Crain, if we must put up with such fuckwit lines as this.

Worse and worse, Forest is glad he could "educate these women about being a military wife." And he asks his same questions from before: "Ever dated a doctor?" "Ever dated a military guy." And did we mention we do not like his teeth?

In a bizarre nod to Casablanca, Andy then picks Tessa (who wisely said she wasn't sure if he was right for her when she is thinking, by herself) over Pey.Ton. He hustles Tessa to the waiting helicopter and says goodbye to Pey.Ton. They are both crying and we just have to say this for all of Womankind: If you are breaking her heart, do NOT go on and on about how great she is. Also do not be caught describing the woman you picked as "good wife material" and then try awkwardly to stick your tongue down her throat while wearing a helicopter headset.

At the rose ceremony, Andy must now pick 7 of the remaining 9 women to join Bevin and Tessa for the next round. He demands that Amanda tell stories about herself, and she clams up. While he is irritated at her lack of storytelling, we feel kindred spirits to Amanda, having plenty of stories but also hating dates in which one must be interviewed. We also suddenly like Kate, who says, "what am I supposed to do? Save an orphan from a fire?" in order to impress Forest. But we must suffer through a "stephanie sandwich" formed by Steph from KS and FG and kisses to Bevin. Why does Bevin have to be the Heather Mills of this show?

And he picks....
1. Amber (told you)
2. Danielle
3. Steph from KS (is she wearing FEATHERS?)
4. Tina/Wing
5. Kate (but he must smell her rose first)
6. Nicole (who will not age well)
7. FG. NOOOOOOO.

Erin and Amanda are shocked at getting the axe.

Stay tuned for next week, when it is all about the drama at Lake Tahoe.