A-Team Part 1: Run Forest, Run

This new Bachelor freaks us out. All of us. Andy Baldwin is a Navy Doctor. He is an Iron Man. He is a Philanthropist. He has the teeth of Jim Carey and the life of that Leo guy on Will & Grace, which he approaches with the earnestness of Forest Gump. We are sure that his mother once told him that his life is like a box of chocolates. We also canNOT forgive his hair for doing that weird slickitiy-over-to-the-side thing like a plastic Ken doll when wet, but being all Poufity like the contemporary Billy Ray Cyrus whom we secretly love on Dancing With the Stars when dry. We also cannot forgive the Batmobile he insists on driving.

And this is our other issue: the man has no body fat. While we are fans of the muscles, we are completely freaked by his apparent escape from that Body Mechanics display (you know, with all the skin ripped off). We also realize that we are out of his league, even if we are feeling healthy because the wine and grapes we are consuming counts as two of our five fruits/vegetables for the day.

And also (and this is the last one, promise): why has ABC selected a medley of "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong" played by horns in a studio band and not the Blood, the Sweat, and the Tears OR Chicago...followed by the STAR WARS THEME to introduce Dr. Baldwin and his A-Team? These are mysteries which we have no space to explore. Particularly because we just saw a preview for what comes next and it involves "the worm."

In any event, Chris Harrison says to Forest, "Should you choose to accept this mission (ok not really but that is what we hear in our heads), you will have one 'true first impression rose' which you must give out to the 'girl' that wows you out of the limo." So who does he give it to? Stephanie the Organ Donor Coordinator, who is like the only chick to ask him about the rose. We now see that he is not a bachelor to say, "Well, this is for someone who 'wows' me out of the limo....and you ain't it." Even though he SHOULD because she clearly sewed her dress together from all of the peasant shirts in my collective high school wardrobe.

The other 22-26-aged women that cross into Bachelor territory simply make us realize that we have passed an important milestone: we are no longer of the age that romances are written. We also realize that we somehow missed the memo to name ourselves after a perfume or color from the J. Crew magazine, as a gaggle of Tiffanys, Peyton, Blakeney, Bevin, Tessa, and an Alexis all exit the limo. We comfort ourselves in knowing that our name will not land us in the Society Pages of Town & Country magazine, and that we are better preserved than at least Blakeney, even if she has a goddessy dress on.

We have, of course, the round of obligatory, completely terrifying attorneys. Linda is an army person and work-out buff that challenges Andy to push-up contest and says he is "just like her, in male form." She also has taken "not until you see the whites of their eyes" a little too seriously, as we can see the ENTIRE whites of hers, even at the top, when we are not staring at her three rows of teeth. Danielle, however, says, "ooo, you look a lot better in person than on the internet." So clearly, she will get the axe. In the end, the only reasonably decent attorney is Alexis, who has huge earrings and sleepy eyes. Sigh. We must root for her for the sake of the profession.

The remaining women are, you know, completely what we would meet in normal life. For example, Peyton is a Sorority Recruiter. And Catherine is Miss Illinois. Everyone else is pretty much Southern or blonde: Nicole (sales manager); Amanda (financial analyst); Amber (teacher); Jackie (no idea); Stephanie (all kinds of nasaly); Susan and Kate (boutique owners); Tina (a med student that reads a fortune to him), Danielle (graphic designer who ripped off Miss Piggy's purple dress), and so on and so on. As we meet them, we become increasingly more irritated by Forest, who is all, "Ooo, you have the most beautiful blonde hair and beautiful eyes" and "you are just the sweetest." "Just like a little doll" we add. I mean, WTF.

But we have to stop the press at Tessa, who is flashing all kinds of naked through the slits in her dress. She also tells a joke about talking muffins. And later talks about her mother falling in love while hiking the Incan Trail. While we secretly wish we too could fall in love while hiking the Incan trail, we are pretty sure that we would die in the wilderness and be eaten by dogs first.

And then, crisis strikes. Tessa/Wing Sings the National Anthem (www.wingmusic.co.nz). I don't even know what to say beyond that, except that it brings TEARS TO FOREST'S EYES and mine for other reasons. Just...no. Hell, no.

Wing has apparently opened the floodgate. Some woman talks about her college boyfriend dying as a conversation starter. Lindsay the student gets drunk, talks about Stephanie the "heinous girl" that got the first impression rose, and goes after Blakeney. Blakeney gets even more drunk and falls off her bar stool. Kate does the "worm," BACKWARDS on the floor in 3 inch stilettos and a 1980s short prom dress barely covering her Fancy and all parts associated therewith. Somebody else does a back handspring. In a dress. The women discover that it is Dr. B's 30th birthday (and oh my gosh, it is Peyton's 24th! How crazy is that?!?!) and two of them decide to bake him a cake. With alcohol instead of eggs.

In the end (and because this is already long enough), Forest picks:
1. Pey. Ton. (well that's how he says it)
2. Bevin
3. Kate of the worm
4. Alexis
5. Danielle of the miss piggy dress
6. Amber
7. Tiffany from MA
8. Tessa
9. Nicole, one of the drunken cakers
10. Susan
11. Amanda
12. Erin
13. Wing
14. and Stephanie, the only attorney to survive elimination.

Lindsay, of course, flees the rose ceremony, crying and insisting that she does not care whether she made the A-team or not.

Stay tuned for this season, in which Forest is asked, "are you a medic?" And he says, "no, I am a doctor." We believe an ambulance is involved.

KLo