PLo Part 8: This show is DEAD TO ME.

We begin this final bachelor news update with trembling fingers and a heavy heart, which not even our allotted two beers can uplift. We first see a summary of Sadie and Jen's dates through-the-ages with PLo, culminating for like the third time with PLo in John Travolta's white suit, telling Jen on their first big date that she got the rose. Our teeth ache from her inane chatter.

Flash to the present: PLo's mom and dad have come to Italy to help him pick his bride. Okay, so we love these two, even though they really look like the mob in that movie with Michele Pfiefer and her big hair. We want to kiss his father's ring. We want to calm the hair wings sprouting from either side of his mother's head. The Mom tells PLo about a ring she has commissioned as a family ring for him to give, and PLo tells them what he likes about the two remaining women. Jen radiates goodness and he loves everything about her. She is strong and independent (WTF). She also brushes her teeth really hard with her lips completely closed. And we hate her top, which is this long pink t-shirty thing with a giant knot at the bottom, just to make sure that whatever muffin top escapes when she sits down will be captured.

Jen comes over for lunch, and The Mom reads her palm. We suddenly realize that The Mom is kind of the crazy free spirit for the family in her stretch pants and dangly earrings, and we love her. According to Jen's palm, she is a daddy's girl with lots of positive things ahead in her future. We are only concerned about her "now" as she waddles back to the car at the end of this date like gumby on stilts, waiting to release a giant poot until away from the cameras.

Sadie (Team Sadie!!) then swings by for dinner with PLo's family. This viewer's sister calls to say her dress is that horrible Houndstooth print that she spent years of her youth trying to escape. We personally like said dress, though concede MC Escher's influence. At any rate, Sadie's palm reading reveals that her head rules her heart, which is the opposite of Jen. Ooo, but both are pisces. And both Sadie and Jen say that they are more outgoing and strong than the other person. Ooo.

Then, The Mom gets this COMPLETELY BRILLIANT idea to invite all of the parents to Italy and throw everyone together "like a stew." This is completely awesome because PLo is having a silent cow yet cannot tell The Mom that her idea is terrible out of respect. So we see the parents arriving, lots of shrieking from Jen and Sadie, and then everyone driving over to the castle. We put the afghan over our head. And we are glad we did, as our eyes are accosted by Sadie in khaki culots and high heels. This viewer has already expressed her views of The Culot: source of all childhood suffering, ignorant second-cousin of the pant, unflatterer of woman curves. We are very, very disappointed to see Sadie's choice. But we are forced to forgive her in light of Jen's greater sin: a huge, hot pink mumu of a sundress, fringed with spazz: "OmygodIcan'tbelievethesepeoplemightbemyinlawsand
wecanspendThanksgivingandChristmasandholidaystogetherandeverything!!!!"

The brunch thrown by PLo's mom only makes us burrow into our trusty afghan further. Jen's dad Dennis tells the camera "You just brought the enemy to the door. I don't know whether to pull my sword and charge or be nice." We really do not like this man and his droning about their "baby girl" in his faded voice. If we close our eyes, we are fairly certain that he is actually the original Bill Clinton as played by that Darryl person on SNL. Both moms discover they are guidance counselors. Both dads have glasses and beards. Sadie is rightfully annoyed that everyone keeps talking about how awkward it is. Dennis tells PLo that on PLo and Jen's 5th anniversary, they can all talk about how they met Sadie's family and yeah, she's the girl that came in second. Sadie (and all of us) look cheesed. We do not like Dennis, no we do not.

The next day, PLo asks both dads for their blessing to marry their daughters. After giant pauses, both men say yes and then run back to their families, who get all giddy and excited. Jen says PLo has "husband written all over him." We become depressed.

Finally, PLo has his last dates with the women. He takes Sadie sailing, followed by dinner. She gives him a little book filled with lots of momentos from their time together, including a list Sadie made a long time ago of what she deserves in a mate. We silently weep, as we know she will regret giving that list away if she is axed.

Jen, on the other hand, goes horseback riding with PLo, which we conclude is just an excuse for PLo to put his hand straight up her crotch while "assisting" her onto the horse. We, once again, hate her long yellow t-shirty spandexy tank-toppy top, but are thankful that it is not pink for once. A hurricane is brewing during dinner on this date, which is burgers on the grill and a side of irritation: "OhmygodIcouldreallySEEmyselfinNewYork,youknow?Icouldseemyself movingthere andeverything!!!!)

And then it is The Day. PLo goes to pick up the ring, and ding dong we decide that one of the designers should be the next bachelor. But sadly, we do not see him, or his flowing locks, again. But we DO get to see Sadie's dress, which is completely awesome in its white, flowing, JLo-red carpet knock-off-ness. And unfortunately, we are forced to see Jen's: a black number so coated in sequins that it should not be worn by anyone except perhaps Star Spangler on The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team or else Britney Spears.

And then Sadie gets out of the limo first. We hurl curses into the musty air of our apartment. PLo tells her that on her list, she said she deserved to be with a guy who can't fathom being with anyone else, and then says that he'd rather be with another woman. Sadie (and all of us on Team Sadie) start to cry. She says she wants him to be happy, ans so she's trying her best to be mature and gracious. He says some awkward things about his feelings being real that only makes things worse, and Sadie rides off in the limo.

We decide that Sadie must meet Matthew from Season Meredith and live happily ever after.

We want to turn the television off as our sister has done, but we cannot. We are forced to watch PLo tell Jen that he loves her and everything about her, and give her the family ring. Although, he says, he can't marry her because he needs to know if the love that is real in Italy also will be real in the United States. She yammers on about seeing herself as a NYC girl, and we endure a slo mo review of their relationship, as seen through the eyes of ABC.

This show is dead to us. We only hope to recover our Bachelor enthusiasm in time for the spring, when our new bachelor, a Navy doctor who "gosh darnit is ready to find a wife" tries his hand at the game.

Peace.