A-Team Part 2: Operation Soul Mate

Similar to this viewer's theory that closeted gay people hide at Christian camps, Episode 2 confirms our belief that people with advanced degrees have no social skills. As the first theory does not have apparent relevance (yet), we focus on the later. Forest, you see, has "a huge heart." He has "so much to give" (excluding body fat, which he has apparently donated). Which is why, my dears, he embarks on "Operation Soul Mate." And admits this to the viewing public.

Episode 2 begins with the first group date on the Sooooooouuuuuuuuuuul Train. Okay, more like a big party bus with Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Bevin, Tessa, Amanda, and Stephanie from KS. As the Bachelor is being filmed in Hollywood (who knew?) this season, he takes this gaggle to a bar with bull-riding. In the words of that horrible song: come on ride this train, choo choo ride it (I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can).

But Nicole doesn't think she can and is "afraid for her life." Tessa fakes an injury because she thinks it would be "funny." Andy likes it when the bull shakes whichever girl is riding because it "turns him on." Again, social skills, Forest. Self-edit. We are momentarily distracted by somebody's drink that has dry ice in it. But then Stephanie from KS brings us back by successfully riding said bull. She was a gymnist, after all. However, we unanimously cannot forgive her for her sequined spandex belt. We don't care if sequined belts are popular, as they are heinous.

The Formal Wear component of our evening follows this Talent. Forest leads the ladies into a room filled with dresses and promises a "glorious, elegant evening." He really "digs a chick who can be sporty but also look ravishing." Whatever, universal man. We keep trying to like Tessa because she reminds us of the older sister of our very first True Love, except she keeps doing weird shit. Like pick this dress that has naked lace on top. You know the kind that is like black lace with faux skin behind it, finished off with a giant bell of a skirt. We hate this dress. Even WORSE, Forest tries to salsa with Nicole. We are blinded by memories of a mormon missionary we met at salsa night who was back from latin america and thinking he was bad ass, blurring together with a skeezity host brother on our own cross-cultural experience saying "all right...okay..." while staring letcherously at this viewer's salsa-ing lady parts.

But I digress. After a little discussion about attorney Alexis' homeschooling and conservative moral values (yeah, she's done for), the evening concludes with the Swimsuit Competition. As all are frolicking in the hot tub, somebody asks Forest if he's ever had 8 girls on his arms before and he says no, which is still true because there were SEVEN chickies on the freaking date. Andy ends up getting all pressity up against Bevin in the pool, but it's one of the Tiffanys that wins the overall competition and progresses on to Sudden Death: one on one time with Forest. In this interview, Forest asks challenging and heart-felt questions designed to discover the very essence of Tiffany:
a. "ever dated a doctor before?"
b. "was he any good?"
c. "ever dated somebody in the military?"
d. "anyone ever told you that you have the cutest dimples?"

And so this date ends.

Group Date #2 is with Kate, Susan, Erin, Amber, Tina, Danielle, and Pay.Ton. As the ladies pull gym clothes out of a bag, they conclude that their date will be athletic. Erin hopes that they get to see Forest with his shirt off.

When the women trot out in tube socks pulled up to their knees, bikinis, and shorty gym shorts, we remember the very last time we wore our 8th grade gym shorts in public: "Ooooeeeee, ain't you jist the purtiest thang walkin!!!!" We are mortified for ourselves and for the women, who are deemed "adorable" in this get-up by Forest. Surprise surprise, the women are going to do a triathlon, since, we all know, Andy has been a six time iron man finisher,...but first let's drink mimosas.

Tina the medical student worries about her athletic ability, so she asks Forest to come "look at the pier" to show him who she really is before the games begin. Possibly the worst pick up line ever. Blonde and Blonderer (Susan and Erin) hold hands and plan how to interrupt this little tete-a-tete: "you just go up and say 'hi' and then we'll stand there." We learn that Susan jogs a little with her dog three times a week. Erin is not so much into the fitness, but is wearing a nifty sweatband on her wrist, so she's ready to go. Neither likes to get their hair wet, so they decide to walk in the pool for the five laps they have to swim, holding hands and touching the wall at each lap. They decide that Andy probably thought that was "pretty cute" of them. We throw up a little into our mouths.

Amber wins the triathlon and gets one on one time with Andy. She says she loves to cook, which he thinks is great because he just loves doing dishes. bull*cough*shit.

Last but not least, Stephanie goes yachting with Forest for her individual date, awarded because she got the first impression rose last week. This is our thing about Stephanie: her thighs go inward at the top. While we are well aware of societal expectations for female beauty, we simply canNOT believe that Forest could find a balloon animal giraffe an attractive mate. We also are completely freaked out by Stephanie's Heidi-Fleissness.

Stephanie embraces her inner Fleiss as she tries on dresses that threaten to release her lady secrets into the cool night air at any moment. She settles on the more tame of her options, but still grates us because she is "95% sure" she is coming home with a rose and revels in the "tons of jealousy" caused by her acquisition of the first rose last week. We then decide that she and Dr. A are meant for each other, as he boasts about "his" yacht and uses improper grammer-"All I care about tonight is me and you." He also is worried that the other women would "mark her" because of her earlier rose. She gives her best Fran Drescher nanny laugh and says that "there's not a lot thrown that hasn't been thrown before at me-hee hee hee." Our head starts to hurt. In the end, they decide to have a small wedding. "What do you think, Pepe?" Forest asks the boat captain. Of course. Pepe.

At the rose ceremony we discover that everybody got the memo to wear a silk jewel toned dress. Apparently a few forgot to wear a top, however. Bevin has improvised with horizontal bra straps across the chest. But more importantly, Tina the med student got a "premonition" she's going home tonight, which of course she tells Andy, thereby securing her spot through the guerilla tactics employed by Stephanie last week. Pay.Ton feels like she has to defend her job in the sororities, and wants family, to inspire others, etc. Alexis admits she's been engaged before. Erin and Susan hold hands AGAIN, wearing matching red dresses, and Susan admits that she came in last in the triathlon. Tessa and Andy share matching foot massages (see weird shit, supra). We have to watch Nicole and Andy salsa once again. And this viewer concludes that if she hears one more joke about doctors along the lines of "save me/help me/I need medical assistance," she is going to freak. Absolutely freak.

And then Andy picks:
1. Stephanie a/k/a Fleiss Jr. (who got a rose already on her date)
2. Tessa
3. topless Bevin
4. Amber
5. Stephanie from KS the gymnist
6. Katie the worm girl from last week
7. Nicole of the salsa
8. Tina/Wing
9. Pey.Ton. Who responds "Aye wee-ill accept this rose."
10. Amanda
11. Erin, formerly known as Blonderer.

Unsurprisingly, Alexis the homeschooled lawyer gets the boot but feels that it will work out in God's Plan, Tiffany doesn't understand why she didn't get picked after surviving Sudden Death, and we fade out as the women try to figure out (before the ceremony), how many of the 15 will be kicked off to total 12 remaining.

Stay tuned for next week. We hear mud wrestling, a car race, and an ambulance are involved.

Peace.