A-Team Part 5: The Changing of the Tards

Episode 5 gives us a Crisis of Bachelor Faith of monumental proportions. It is like Freakity Friday, except that the women are still mostly twits even if suddenly Andy is asking intelligent questions and making sound judgments and even if our sister sincerely uses "special quality time" in a sentence and then tries to claim said usage was justified because it is a "term of art." Quite simply, we do not know what to do with Episode 5.

So first we have "fun in the sun." Andy is doing all manner of exercises on his yacht in the morning, reminding us (damn you, ABC) that we did not do situps at the gym. And then suddenly the remaining six women show up at the yacht for a group date because "everybody really needs a relaxing day on the yacht" according to Amber. OMG, we look at the pelicans. And [SCREETCH] there is a seal! And OOOOO look a dolphin. In the midst of all this treble clef, Andy reveals his "type:" He doesn't like smoking.

Well, that narrows it down.

And then it hits us: ABC has done the narrowing FOR Andy by seating the blondes and brunettes on different parts of the yacht. We believe that this is because no group of brunettes large enough to separate from blondes has ever before made it to Episode 5. While we are proud these ladies are there to Represent, we do not endorse segregation.

Anyhow, Bevin steals Andy for some Special Quality Kayak Time. We cannot get over how suddenly she is walking and flipping over kayaks and swimming and talking about "mouth to mouth" (ew. I mean, seriously.) after allegedly spraining her ankle severely less than two weeks earlier. That girl is a Bunny Boiler. Run, Forest, run.

But off we go to the first individual date with Stephanie from KS. "Bring your pallate for a night of pleasure" her date card says. That is so dirty that this viewer puts the afghan over her head. And moments later we are glad, as we see Steph's skin-tight-white-turtleneck-with-capped-sleeves and-red-polka-dots-with-red-shiny-belt-on-TOP. And the ginormous disc earrings. While she can pull this off as she is 23 and a former gymnist, we think only of the marshmallow easter bunny Peep that we would be in that get-up.

We actually love this date and secretly think it would be really fun unless we had to go with Andy (and then would rather go by ourselves). Steph and Andy get to mix their own brand of wine and then paint a canvas that will be shrunken down to label size. But our reverie of perfect dates comes to a halt when Andy exhibits his mastery of 8th grade English concepts. Witness, the Allegory: "Blending wine was fun, and you can even take it to the next level and compare it to relationships." And "it tastes beautiful, like you." Life is like a box of chocolates, as it were.

In the end, Andy surprises us by asking Steph intelligent questions about what motivates her and what her career goals are, and she gives non-answers. He rightfully attributes her vagueness to her age and we try to recover from the shock.

Unfortunately, we are not given sufficient time before we are accosted by Bevin in a babydoll nightgown tearfully complaining to Amber that she has feelings for Andy and cannot feel, at her "advanced age" (28) that she should be angling after a guy who angles after "23 year olds." Amber is all "back off bitch" and "I am the most mature 23 year old EVER" because like Shania Twain, she raised her younger siblings. She also is probably the most mature 23 year old because she is REALLY 40.

While we should care about this, we are more concerned with trying to understand why anyone would wear a babydoll dress to sleep in (or period, but to each her own). I mean, how on earth do her lady parts stay in the little cups? We are confident she wakes up every morning in a decidedly ungraceful state.

But on to the next group date with Danielle, Amber, Tina, and Bevin. This group is doing a Charity Event: painting a playground for kindergarteners. Ok, this also would be an AWESOME date. Except that Bevin is a tard: "Even though we're working, we all know we are here for Andy." C is for Children, Bevin. And according to Danielle, she wants at least two. Then Tina/Wing goes on and on about how being in the house is like high school and she has taken the high road, and we decide she articulates too clearly and it is a little weird. But then surprise surprise, the kids are there to play! Everyone decides Andy would be a great dad, Amber starts to cry she is so overcome, and they all say "Go Team Playground."

As this was boring, we use intermission to tell our sister about Salt and Pepper at the gym, who we dreamed was a scientist trying to decipher the song of whales. Our sister informs us that public television did a special on a woman who is doing that very thing and that the male whales have special songs to attract women "WAA whooo WHOO WOHG." We heart public television but are quite sure Salt and Pepper has never made those noises in his life. Though if he did, it would certainly grab our attention.

The last individual date is with Tessa. "Come as you are, and I'll take care of the rest" her card says. Ok, we really like Tessa and don't know if we want her to win or not for that reason. She also is wearing a belt over a tube top, which she fortunately exchanges for a fancy dress and tons of diamonds. Bevin is "stunned" that Tessa would get diamonds on her date. But we also are stunned because we actually like this date too: eating dinner in a canopied garden in the rain. What is happening to us!?!?!?! We must be getting a head-cold. This date is nice, which almost makes up for the fact that the filmographer tried really hard to get a shot of her Va-JJ as she was climbing out of the car in her heels and little dress.

And at last we have the rose ceremony, and the last ditch one-on-one times: Andy is a little concerned that Amber is immature. He likes Bevin's dress, but we hate it because it looks like a big sheet tied with a black ribbon. He doesn't get a lot of attention from Tina/ Wing. He likes his time with Tessa. And Danielle is "probably the most into him" out of all the women. WTF, we SO did not sense that. Steph and he have a special bond. Then Bevin and Amber break into the deliberation room (because that is a display of maturity) and look at all the pictures of the remaining women. blah.

In the end, he is a "navy lieutenant. An ironman. But this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life." And he picks:
1. Bevin
2. Amber
3. Tessa (whose dress we LOVE)
4. Danielle

Tina is worried that her failure to open up to Andy will be the greatest regret of her life. Steph from KS is tearful.

Stay tuned for next week, when he Meets the Parents, bachelor style. And Bevin reveals a Terrible Secret....