A-Team Part 6: And Your Little Dog, Too

Do doo doo Do doo doo Do...Episode Six begins with the Night Rider theme as Forest leaves the yacht in his sports car, collar up, to an inner monologue "meeting these women's families gives a lot more perspective on them." We can almost see Kit printing out a dossiere on each lady from somewhere around the tape deck, as Andy says:
1. Tessa: he knew from the start she was a "dynamic woman" and he feels "amazing emotions with her. We resolve to banish the word "amazing" from our vocabulary.
2. Danielle is the "most invested." He "feels her heart so much" when he talks to her. (like in the Matrix when Keanu restarts Carrie's heart? ew.)
3. Amber. He is really "into" her. But he is concerned about her age. STOP THE PRESS. We have a bachelor preferring aged lady parts to the younger model? We cannot get over this.
4. Bevin. Oh the chemistry, oh the electricity when they touch. She keeps getting "better and better."

How will he ever pick? Well let me tell you.

The first hometown date is with Bevin at some falls outside seattle. She is wearing one of those useless indoor/outdoor ropey scarfs that this viewer always wished she could remember to use to snazz up outfits but instead only remembers when it is genuinely cold outside and then only has warm but unflattering scarves unfit for indoor usage and made by her aunt Merta 20 years ago. We admire Bevin's powers of accessorization, even though we think she looks like a Fraggle.

Andy, however, is in "heaven when he is with Bevin." We resolve to never date men who rhyme uncleverly.

Bevin proceeds to talk to Andy as if he is a 2 year old. "You know how people have pasts? You know how we are all teenagers? Well I was a teenager once, and very stubborn and made decisions my parents didn't like....." oh for the love of god, just tell him that you were on that show Engaged and Under Aged already. Oh, it's true: Bevin got married as a teenager, but has been divorced for 6 years. Andy assures himself that despite this red flag, Bevin would never jump into something she wasn't completely sure of again, and we move on to meet her family.

WTF is up with these people's names? We have the mom Ahna, the sister Ona, and the brother....Ken. We also have stepmom Vicki and cannot remember the dad's name. They oo and ah over Bevin's horrible ankle, which she shows them by sticking out her be-high-heeled foot (again, wtf), and we learn that "these are Andy's type of people." The dad has a big heart to heart with Bevin about why she is holding back and what sort of proof she needs to know he's right, and how there are risks in life, and we can't help but like him. Andy goes home, she feels like she's falling in love, blah blah.

On to hometown date #2 in Bethel Village, Connecticut, a/k/a "Hello, Clarisse." We are seriously creeped out by her dad, Jim. Jim manages to look exactly like the farmer in the painting American Gothic, stare intensely enough to Silence the Lambs, and say all creepity in his deadpan voice: "My daughter has been nothing but a joy. As her dad, I am the provider and protector. She deserves the best." When we are reminded once again that both Andy and Danielle have tragic losses in their lives (dead uncle/dead boyfriend), we whisper fervently "run forest, run." Danielle also lives at home with Jim, her mother Nancy, and her sister Caitlin, all of whom are worried that she will be taken away from them by the military life.

But we are more interested in the fact that there is no way Danielle could be a real blonde based on her family. And also by the fact that she has a LITTLE DOG in a LITTLE SWEATER. And also by the fact that Jim invites Andy downstairs to "beat a drum" as the ladies of the house bellydance...only to have ABC experience technical difficulties, cutting potentially the best scene all season from this viewer's very soul and causing her to despise ABC forever, amen. We are slightly mollified by Andy and Danielle's final kissing scene by possibly the biggest American flag ever. We believe he is either holding her little dog behind her neck, or an exact replica of it.

Date #3 is with Tessa in Washington, DC., where she helpfully points out the Washington Monument. We all know this viewer's thoughts on said monument (People's Penis, etc etc). Anyway, we meet mom Romana, Sister Mercy (or Percy? it's probably Mercy because no one would do that to their daughter and Mercy is a pretty name), dad Tom, and best friend Samantha. We really like Tessa's family, especially after they put him through the ringer and then Samantha points out (albeit to the camera) that he's really good at evasive answers.

Andy's admission of faults are lame-ass, in this viewer's humble opinion. He is not a good singer (no shizz, as he was "touched" by Tina/Wing's rendition of the National Anthem), and he can't cook very well. If this viewer can admit that she sleeps with a stuffed ewok to the general readership, Andy can do better than that. We also cannot forgive him for wearing his dog tags outside a button-down shirt. There is no way said tags could fall naturally like that. But he's all proud of himself because he "turns the tables" on Tessa's family and asks all these questions of her poor unsuspecting father, who nearly ruins her chances by saying that Tessa was initially just on the show for fun, and then he gets Tessa to admit that her best case ending to this "journey" is that they fall in love with each other. We don't want them to end up together because we like Tessa too much.

The last date is in Sugarland Texas with Amber, who is wearing a dress barely long enough to cover her bits. He says she is "so sweet and so beautiful and makes his heart beat faster," and we admit that even if it makes us coldhearted bitches, we are convinced that men should not be such milksops because we are quite confident that we do not have a "sweet" bone in our bodies and neither does Amber. In any event, it's Andy's turn to talk as if to a 2-year-old, as he carefully explains to her classroom that he met Amber on a "Special Mission." Andy is a tard.

So then there's a big crisis because Amber knew her parents weren't going to meet Andy, but now her aunt isn't either. Her aunt is her rock, etc etc. Instead, we go to Amber's apartment and meet her roommate Erin and little Pomeranian "Pasha," which we are pretty sure has a bow on her head. According to Amber, it is very important that Pasha like Andy because Pasha must approve of all the men Amber dates. It is clear that Amber is ignoring Pasha's advice when she promptly pees on the carpet. In any event, this dinner is very sorority (Erin: "Oooo, you're a diver AND a doctor?!?"), which Andy notices, until Amber's aunt miraculously is able to save the day. And so it ends.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Aquamarine and black are the colors for this Prom, as the women are (miraculously) color-coordinated. However, Bevin appears not to have gotten the memo that cheerleading uniforms aren't appropriate for Prom, as her dress has the sides cut out a la a cheerleading frock. We can speak with great authority on this topic, as we watched the "Cheer Fashion" segment of the national high school cheerleading championship on ESPN last weekend.

And he picks:
1. Tessa (whoot)
2. Bevin, who RUNS to him, gentle readers. And on that ankle. tisk.
3. Danielle. Who he informs smells good.

Amber calls him out in a big dramatic conclusion, crying and saying she doesn't undertand and then making it worse by saying that their hometown date was the best date of her young life, and that he said age didn't matter and she's so mature. She could see herself cooking breakfast for him because they leave for work at the "exact same time," and then working out together, cooking dinner for him, and watching television at night. With a white picket fence and flesh eating plant secretly growing outside, we are in another musical entirely.

We fade out to Danielle facing her fear of bananas by eating one for the Bachelor. We will not throw stones, as we are whipophobes ourselves.

Stay tuned for next week, which involves a psychic reader.