A-Team Part 8: Honey Dipper

At last, it is the Season Finale. As we sip our tea in the wee hours of the morning, we bear witness the the Visual Walk of Shame that is a recap of Andy's "journey" on the bachelor. We pay homage to The Fallen, including Fleiss Girl and Danielle. We watch Bevin sprain her ankle, ask for a thorough check-up, and describe her divorce in words no larger than one syllable. We hear Tessa's terrible joke about muffins when she met Andy.

And then, gentle readers, we win our bet with ourselves, wagered last Update, as a "buggy crossing" sign comes in view. OMG, Andy is bringing the women home to Lancaster, PA, to meet his family. Yes yes, there is an amish farm....followed by a buggy....followed by a buggy pulling a HONEY DIPPER. And this is why we love this show. Because only ABC would choose a machine designed to spray shit on a field as representative of the idyllic country life. We salute you, ABC.

Anyway, Andy admits that he has not been home in 2 years, and we wonder what sort of son he is, even if he lives in Hawaii and is admittedly many hours away. He describes the women to his mom, dad, sister, grandpa, and grandma, all of whom remain nameless except mom Cynthia and sister Suzy. He makes them do a cheer for "Operation Soul Mate" with their hands all in a pile, and we try to imagine our own grandmother (who is fabulous) doing the same and cannot. And then Tessa comes for lunch. We notice first that the entrance to the Baldwin family home is painted pink. We notice second that Andy offers Tessa a beer, and we feel strangely awkward about it even though Andy is clearly not Mennonite (also strongly represented in Lancaster) and therefore would not be pretending he does not drink in front of his parents and all the Amish for miles around.

Tessa's visit is very uneventful. Andy's mom says she is beautiful, natural, and real. The grandpa says she is a viable candidate. Suzy really likes her, particularly after their little 1:1 time in which Tessa confided that she had reservations about the process, but not Andy. Oh oh, and we learn that Andy's parents met at Cornell and had their first sort-of date at the library and fell in love over a stack of reference manuals. We think of our coworker who fell in love with his wife over document review and do not throw stones. This date ends with extended kisses and clinging in the front yard, only confirming that Andy is not Mennonite and therefore would not hide all signs of affection except secret handholding in front of his parents and all the Amish for miles around.

Then Bevin comes for dinner. We don't like her shirt. First, it is a mock turtleneck, which is the bastard cousin of the "dicky." Second, it has short sleeves. And finally, it has tucks all around the neck and arms. We would look like a drag queen/mother of 10/that girl no one danced with in jr. high in this top. But we love that she tells Andy's family that she is getting her masters in social work and is doing a project focusing on womens' libido during menopause. We equally love that she acknowledges an interest in specializing in sexual dysfunction. And finally, we love that she tells them she was raised in the Bahai faith. We think of the Bahai guy (hee hee) we knew in college, who was a kind soul even if he did wear shorts year round. Anyway, the Grandpa channels Christopher Walken as he says Bevin "eLECTrifies" Forest. The Grandma says Bevin is "just plain drop dead great." Bevin says she would love to be a Baldwin. We see a slide show of Andy, and this date is over.

As a post-mortem to these dates, the Grandpa leads a discussion on Sexual Attraction: Is it Enough? He also notes that Bevin "Spahrks" Andy. The the dad does not win any points from this reader, who clings to the belief that boys fall in love with a particular woman because of her particularity, when he declares that "either woman would be just fine" and that Andy couldn't screw up at this point. We contemplate never dating again.

On we go to the Final Overnight Dates in Oahu, in which we decide we heart Tessa and that Bevin is a ninny.

Ooo, is Bevin ready for a commitment? We do not know, and suddenly we do not care as Forest decides to "surprise" Bevin with the thing that terrifies her the most: flying! Because that is OUR idea of a romantic date. And then we are forced to hear Bevin's hysterical/nervous giggling and screetching at about 3 octaves above her normal voice as she wigs out walking towards, getting into, and flying around in a helicopter. We also must hear "yeeeee-ha" and "woooo-hooooo" from Forest on not one, but SEVERAL ocassions and decide we are really Taking One For The Team as we dutifully watch this vignette on behalf of Bachelor News Update readers everywhere.

Blah blah they drink beer from plastic cups a la frat party on the beach, describe what they want in a mate (he wants someone with "energy") and then it is evening and they are eating dinner and he is all "This is soooo romantic. I'm freakin' in love" And she's all "are you?" And he's all "Yes." And then he gives a big sigh and says "pinch me" and we sort of wish she would because he is really being a jackass. But so is she for wearing a micro mini jeans skirt. Then it happens:
A: [opening and reading a card from B] "My sweet Andy, when I'm with you, it's like time stands still."
A: "I wish that this moment in time could stand still"
B: "For me, time has already stood still."
And then she gives him a watch as a birthday/parting gift. We secretly hope it stands still.

But we will never know, because she confesses her love to him with his full moniker "Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin, I love you." And he says he "freakin' loves her" too!!! And we gasp because no bachelor has ever said that pre-final-rose on the history of this show. We also think he is Pure Evil for doing so, as he has a date with Tessa the next day.

Speaking of, Andy also meets Tessa on the beach, where he also has a surprise for her. Great, we think, it's going to be Her Worst Fear. But no, it's horseback riding, which she loves, followed by beer from real bottles on the beach and frolicking in the water at sunset with heartfelt conversation about living life to the fullest and taking risks. We begin to hope, just a little, that Tessa is not out of the runnning.

Back at her room later that night, Tessa also has a gift for Andy, with a lovely card about wanting to start a new life and a big confession about being in love with him, which we know is true because of the look on her face. And now we know that Tessa is the Best Bachelorette Ever because, instead of buying him something, she made him a cut-and-paste collage of pictures and words that are significant to them. As we are HUGE fans of the cut-and-paste (even if that makes us a candidate for Serial Killer on television), the Homemade Gift, and the Cheesy Mugging of the Camera, we think this is the best gift ever in the history of the Bachelor. We are torn between hoping that Tessa wins and hoping she doesn't, as she deserves someone way cooler than Forest.

Especially when he tells her he "freakin' loves her." OMG, he is two-timing with the love speak.
We do not like him.

Finally, finally, it is the final rose day. We are going to make this quick because it a lot of "I feel" statements that we just don't need to repeat (as we are also going to be late for work. shit.). Except that we forgot to mention that Andy goes ring shopping, and is it really terrible if this viewer would prefer the orchids stuck in the ring boxes at the jewelry store to any of the rings (so ginormous and impractical are they). And then everyone is getting ready for the day, and Bevin is dead certain she is getting the final rose, and Andy is all "emotional" on his morning run, and Tessa starts to cry a little because she loves Andy so much.

At last, the limos are rolling towards the ceremony....whowillhepickwhowillhepick? We are on pins and needles......and then BEVIN steps out of the limo first. I suppose we like her dress, except that it has a train. And while she may be able to work the train just fine, we think it's a bit presumptious to be fannying around in a dress with a train. We discover within ourselves a Thing against trains.

He doesn't pick her. She doesn't speak. They cry. And we are actually quite sad for both of them.

But then Tessa comes out. Oh, the true love. Oh, anything is possible. Oh, he feels like a king with her as a queen at his side. And he proposes. And she says yes. And we get a little teary....until ABC kills it with a slo mo montage of moments between them to the tune of "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong. " And Tessa and Bevin further kill it by wearing matching dog tags as the credits roll.

And there it is, babies. The end of another season of the Bachelor. We have it on Good Authority that an After the Final Rose show will air tonight and we will do our best to catch it, but make no promises as we STILL have not figured out how to record on our vcr and are very dependent on friends to assist us with that.

Love you all.