A-Team Part Bonus: Skin In the Game

Video may have killed the radio star, but we are quite confident that the Will Rogers Follies are killing this viewer. Between rehearsals and Our First Bad Press Ever (see comment 2 to this week's post), we feel as if we have both Arrived (bad press) and Left (rehearsals) at the same time. And so it is with apologies that we are not one, but TWO days late with our E! True Hollywood story of The Bachelor: After the Final Rose bonus episode. Or, what this viewer prefers to call Skin In the Game.

First, we see all manner of successful bachelette to progress through the show. Charlie and Sarah (we heart Sarah), Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots (marrying this fall), and Trista and Ryan (pregnant). We salute you, oh 30% success rate. But really, we are much more interested in Danielle (WTF IS UP WITH THE CULOTS), Fleiss Girl, and Amber.

FG appears to have forgotten her pants. Continuing her love affair with Hot Topic, FG has got some sort of blue nightshirt/dress covering the top half of her lady bits. Fortunately, she is sitting down. "Was there one moment when you went from hero to zero?" Chris Harrison asks. Yes, she acknowledges that perhaps she should have been catty about the other women "more gently." But we are already more interested in Amber, wearing some sort of kimonoesque top. She takes his refusal of her due to age as a compliment. We secretly congratulate her, Mrs. Robinson, because we all know she is not 23 but rather 12 years older than Forest. As for Danielle--well, we will not speak of such things. Other than culots, culots, culots boo.

Fortunately, we have Bevin to distract us. She apparently has just broken out of jail/my fifth grade jazz recital with all the black and white horizontalness going on. We feel as though she should start swiveling her hips to We Built This City on Rock and Roll at any moment. And surprise surprise, she really DID break her ankle on the show, requiring a Pink Rhinestone Cast.

Although we hate the cast, we actually feel bad for Bevin, and admire her for politically answering Chris Harrison's questions about What Went Wrong. We see the break-up once again, and then Bevin has a shakey voice and we must hide under our afghan. While she had crazy chemistry with Andy, it was her Intuition, gentle readers, that told her she was going to be dumped. We make a note to develop said dump-dar on our own.

And then, Forest appears. And he is fondling Bevin's knee and she is sarcastically asking if he wants to give her a check-up, and we think he has Sunken to A New Low of Male Denseness and we are wondering if Perhaps We Have Maligned Bevin. Forest has mouth diarrhea: Bevin is a fabulous woman. He will never forget her. She will always occupy a piece of his heart. Stop while you are ahead, you twit. But Bevin handles it all with penache and says the pain was Worth It but Some Things are Better Left Unsaid.

"We want to know what's better left unsaid," asks one of the many libarians and/or asian women with glasses in the audience.

But then it is the moment we have all been waiting for: Tessa arrives. Okay, you know that scene in Gone with the Wind where she makes a dress out of curtains? Well, pretend the curtains were from 1972 and you would have Tessa's dress. It is yellow. It has rhinestones around a big scoop neck. It has a weird boob slit. Hollah, Barbarella.

And we must listen to that damn muffin joke she made when she met Forest over an over as we "relive their journey together." And of course they kiss forever and constantly, which we think is sort of sweet. Except that they talk about really taking risks. You know, investing yourself. A/k/a putting their skin in the game. Since the skins apparently beat the shirts this round, we let it go Just This Once.

But then we are off to learn about the Happy Couple's future plans, including a move to Hawaii for Tessa and a hike of the Inca Trail, courtesy of ABC. Oh, and those dogtags? (which as bad press commenter noted, this viewer incorrectly stated that Tessa and Bevin shared. Which perhaps they do, on another show, and another channel. But we cannot be perfect after 4 hours of sleep and therefore embrace our flaws, which include hail damage on the back end and typos). Hers says T-Bone. His says BachMan "Sizzlin Hot." Yup.

And as we fade to credit, bachelorettes from seasons past share their views on who would make the Perfect Bachelor.

Le Ca (season Travis) says somebody that sounds like coins dropping into a piggy bank. Sadie (season PLo) says someone who knows how to have fun. Tina/Wing (season this one) says a boy who likes smart women. Susan (season Travis) insists he must be "smokin' hot" but Krisily (season Charlie) says he must be open to change (like her boob job). And ultimately, if the belt matches the shoes, it does not mean one is gay.

With these deep thoughts, we leave you, dear readers. We look forward to our journey together next season.

KLo.