BW Part 1: Brown Sugar

Apologies for the rain delay, babies, but We Are Back. Thanks to Our Favoritest friends and neighbors and their mad TiVo skills, even an ill-timed trial cannot tear us away from our Bachelor for more than two weeks. However, this latest season leaves us traumatized because we might have the teensiestlittlecrush on the latest mantini to pour himself onto the screen. And this is not because Brad Womack looks like our picture of the sleepwalking and troubled Tawny Lion who falls in love with the spitfire dark-haired beauty with blue eyes because she was the only one that could Reach His Soul in the pages of the Harlequin which we did not (no we did not) stay up embarrassingly late reading last night. (and anyway, we are on vacation). It is because he appears to have a sense of humor. Which we heart.

Anyway, we begin the season with 956 roses, 107 hot tubs, 19 crying men, and a partridge in a pear tree as Chris Harris walks us through a review of Bachelors of the Past. But enough of that. We must live in the present, and that present is Brad Womack, who grew up wealthy until a divorce left him and his family in a double wide trailer in Texas. We know that we are learning important information, but we are blindsided by his brother's porn 'stache in a picture from 1995. Just because you can grow one doesn't mean you should, gentle boy readers. But now the successful owner of 4 bars and restaurants and self-made millionaire (who toiled on an oil rig for 10 years, babies), he is ready to find a wife. A soul mate. And to be a dad. In the words of Ricky Bobby, he is going to fiiight, and wee-in. Even if he needs the help of his identical twin brother, whom we shall call Lorenzo, to do so. Ooooooo.

As the 25 women pour themselves out of the limos, we are struggling to discern BW's type, yet relieved that Chris Harris stresses that his type includes "single." We decide he likes legs (yay, we have two of those!) And strong jaws. (thank you swiss-german heritage). And ...moderately older women, which really means only 6-8 years shy of his 34. Dammit. We comfort ourselves that women in our 30s are Hidden Jewels amidst a sea of vapid leggy sea-creatures, perhaps some (but not all) of whom were once men. Lo, how a rose e'er blooming.

As the first car arrives, we are accosted with Sheena of the ripped up dress and tinkly voice, and Jenni (a/k/a Eva Longoria) the Phoenix Suns dancer who is way way too giggly. Kim the realtor takes off her shoes because she might be too tall. Sarah is a bar owner. Bettina is yet another realtor. Jessica the news anchor displays her stellar journalism skills: "They told me you were hot, but I didn't know you were a fire extinguisher."

Let's think about that one for a minute.

But not too long, because Regina a/ka/ Latoya Jackson, a/k/a "Miss Brown Sugar" is on the prowl. Oh. Sweet. Jesus. Not to be outdone by Erin the salesperson who broke her face playing football. Or the other chick that broke her nose twice. Or Juli the law student who can turn herself into a pretzel. BW "knows he should think that is hot," but admits it is a little freakish. McCarten had a dream about him last night, which we forgive because she is one of the only chickies who does not talk to him as a baby or small puppy. We also heart DeAnna, who is Greek and Texan AND another freakin' realtor that looks a little like our devoted and beloved greek reader RP. Kristy the accupuncturist makes him show her his tongue. Michelle from NJ says he is "everything she is looking for." We suffer booty pops, bad dancing, please for Brad's jacket. And on and on. Oh, and we do not like Bettina, who is far too skinny and we decide will not age well. We also further do not like Jenni for her Phoenix Suns dance moment, in which she almost loses her top. AND we do NOT like Mallory, who jumps into the pool in a bikini she apparently tucked somewhere in her bits in order to impress the Bach, whom she then tells to "take of his pants." We conclude she has her makeup tattooed on, as it does not move. Really, this episode is most impossible to blog.

But then we realize that the time worn adage is true: It's all fun and games until someone loses a breast. Yes, there is a fake tata on the floor, just laying there all a-jiggly. As BW goes to hand out his First Impression rose to Jenni of the Pheonix Suns ("Everything I say, she laughs at. That could be annoying."), the camera zooms in. OMG, Melissa has been walking around for two hours with one boob. What's a girl to do? Dust it off, shove it back in, and then drunkenly tell the ladies that she wants bigger boobs and BW that he is all sweetness. She's a trooper, even if she can't hold that alcohol.

Except we almost don't care anymore, because Megan has pulled -- for the second time-- her self-styled "signature move." For those of you who lived the 80s, you may be familiar with the fingers-in-a-vee-I-am-looking-at-you move. Which is her signature. Because you know, she invented it. Probably because she is too young to remember Flock Of Seagulls did it first. Anyway, the girl has webbed feet. We are sure this is related to her signature move. We hope she doesn't get picked. We heart BW for crying with laughter at that.

And in the end, we get our wish (yay, we are a Rock Star). As he picks, by hair color order:
Brunettes: Jade, McCarten, DeAnna, Stephanie, Solissa, Sarah, and Kristy, (plus Jenni of the First Impression).
Blondes (real or fake): Bettina, Hillary, Michelle, Sheena, Erin, Lindsay, and Mallory.

Stay tuned for oh, about two hours from now, when KLo catches up on Episode 2.