BW Part 2: They will Cut Us Like Our Neighbor Dennis

We are scared of these "ladies." We are even more scared of them than we are of our neighbor Dennis and his misleadingly named Schnauzers, Molly and Katie, who DRAGGED A CEMENT ROCK to which they were chained as they chased after this authoress on her way to her home from TiVo moment #2, as Dennis screamed "hey hey hey" and shook a paint brush at them. We know that brush was intended for us like we know the scent of spray tan oozing from the television. We are not fooled. But we are afraid, and the reason is this: These ladies are not nice. They would cut us like our neighbor Dennis if given half a chance.

Episode 2 begins with the Ugliest Date Box Ever. It's like some giant bedazzled picnic box with fourth of July banners on it. Tyra Banks must have gotten to it. Of course, we should know that this means they are going to the racetrack. We are glad the Barbie horses and ginormous hats inside cleared that up. This date is for Erin, McCarten, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and DeAnna, who love curling irons. Jade also believes she should get a rose because she is one of the more "competitive" women, and we shiver a little at the flash of blood in her eyes.

Guess what--BW has what every girl needs according to ABC: cold hard cash. Yet we heart him a little when he explains that he wants to see how these women use it to bet on the horses, as you can tell a lot about a woman from the way she handles money. DeAnna bets half hers on #3 and she wins. We like her because she is like our reader RP, and also appears not to be batshit.

Which sadly, we cannot say about the ladies back at the house, who get date box #2 during the horse date. Ooo, a beach bag with tiny bikinis signals a day of fun in the sun. Solisa decides that this is a "way" better date than the horse track because they all "get to" wear bikinis. She also likes the little ridgy muscles on man hips, and does that really creepy tongue flippity thing formerly made famous by Gene Simmons and infamous by that Amish boy that made the same gesture at a friend of my sister's when she was driving along the country roads and enjoying the sun.

But anyway, it all goes to hell when Michelle trips on the stairs and gets a concussion (which we cannot spell). And she was not even drunk. And all the other women can say is that gee, it looks like another woman is down and competition is less. McCarten, whom we no longer like, was annoyed because Michelle got BW's number to tell him about the concussion. And we hate them all, because Michelle was the oldest of them (30) and was actually pretty cool. Of course she gets axed in the end. It is all Pure Evil.

Speaking of, we are back at the races. Hillary the ER nurse is making the moves on BW, saying to the camera that she is "freaking going to get that rose" and "freaking going to kick someone in the shin" if they try to stop her. McCarten is gonna try, however, by making serious moves on BW and swooping in for a kiss. And we decide we REALLY like BW when he says it was a terrible kiss to the camera. ahahahaha. We heart the bachelor for the first time EVER. In the end, DeAnna gets the rose on that date. Jade the boutique owner wants to know if "DD's" quietness is a "front for the girls" and that she is Secretly a Different Person. Jade scares us.

On to Group Date #2 at the beach. Someone thinks that all the racetrack girls "are jealous" because they don't get to wear bikinis in front of the Bachelor and God and their Parents on National TV. While there is so much of us and all so luscious, in the words of Whitman, we do not see how The Bikini is a positive thing. But we are not a model like Lindsay (who wants to show him how "sexy, flirty, and fun" she is. What is this, Seventeen Magazine?). AND we do not know toasts like "here's to the North, and here's to the South, and here's to finding out what he can do with his mouth." Which we blush to type. augh.

Sarah steals Brad first. He loves her disposition. He's always too serious, but she seems to have fun. Solisa then wants to suffocate our Bachelor between her jubblies in the name of a body shot, so that he knows that she is a "free spirit." Or at least free. But Solisa is a Christian, you see. She has morals and values. Which this reader canNOT understand, because eeeeeeeverybody has morals and values to varying degrees, and hers just happen to include ripping off her bikini and running into the ocean. Stephy is perplexed because she can't figure out if he likes "an outgoing girl or a quiet girl." Jenni gets the kiss, which seems to go a LOT better than McCarten's little entree, but turns out Stephy didn't need to worry because she gets the rose.

And finally, the rose ceremony is upon us. Michelle gives her plea: Yes, I had a concussion. But I am the oldest one here (and I have fake boobs) and I want to travel (and I have fake boobs) and pay off my college education (and boobs). Mallory tells BW that her perfect date would begin with him letting her sleep in and then cooking breakfast for her (ahahhahahaha). Jade is out to Cut Jenni LOND because Jenni brought her modeling book, including a picture of her eating watermellon. But she doesn't Name Names to BW. We are actually completely terrified of Solisa's bosom, which is hanging pricariously out of everything she wears including her Rose Ceremony dress, and we just don't know what to say other than that.

And in the end, he picks:
1. Kristy in all her black sequins. ha cha cha cha.
2. Bettina, who we are becoming increasingly aware is secretly Olivia Newton John.
3. Hillary.
4. Stephy. WTF is up with her corset dress?
5. Sheena.
6. McCarten (noooooooo).
7. Jenni
***at which we flash to a Telenovela moment at which Jade gives the Evil Eye and other ladies gasp in horror***
8. Lindsay, whose ruching at the bottom of her dress we do not understand.
9. Jade, even if her hair is Truly Terrifying, and
10. Solisa, or at least her Dos Mujeres.

Stay tuned for tonight, when BW switches with his equally dazzling twin brother to identify who is the most observant of the ladies. Da da DUM.

-KLo