BW Part 4: One Bitch, Two Bitch, Tan Bitch, Fool Bitch

We at the Bachelor News must explain that today's title is in honor of our friend A, who has had the occasion to teach children with speech impediments who really love fish. As a lisper ourselves, we salute thee, bitch lovin' child.

Episode 4 begins with a Date Box for none other than...Jenni. All her life (all 24 years), her new romance is what she has been looking for. We secretly know that this is because she is not yet old enough to look for her ass, which will be taunting her knees with the threat of kankles in another 10 years. We at the Bachelor News plan to get our ass a latchkey, so that it can always come home. But in the meantime, our attention remains on Jenni, who cannot wait to kiss Bradley on the neck. These Bachelorettes like to go where no woman has gone before, and we cannot believe that Bradley's neck is one of those places.

But we allow Jenni her moment in the sun, as we are completely distracted by the vibrant green lampshade that she is wearing for a dress held up by.... (wait for it)...the twisty bikini tube top hated by all viewers everywhere (all of us) for its weird quadra-pancake-boob machinations. Short stack, anyone?

Jenni and all the other bachelorettes are nearly hacked to death by BW arriving in a helicopter. We see grass and bits of debris (was that a cow, a la that great cinemotographic masterpiece, Twister?) fly by as he lands and whisks J away. The other "ladies" are very jealous. Hillary, whom we really do not like, concludes that Jenni is a very sexual person, perhaps one of those "hidden freaks in the closet." Suddenly all we can think about are the boys we hung out with in college and the requirement that a bad joke teller spend time in the closet only to be introduced upon his return by "hey everybody, so-and-so-came out of the closet" and to which the required response was, (say it with me like an old North Carolina drag queen: "honey, I've been out of closet for yeeeeeeaaaaahs.") We do not believe that this is what Hillary intended.

But back we are with the helicopter. Oh look, ABC has perched Jenni and BW on the very precipice of a building for dinner, in little backless stools an inch from death. We are thinking about death and squished bones and death some more and wonder out loud about how we would not want to be there. "Yeah," says our viewing companion KM, "We would so definately get shit on."

But poops are not near Jenni's mind, because someone has killed Colonel Sanders, stolen his jacket, and turned it into a sofa for that very roof. Our eyeballs keep following the jiggily gold threading as Jenni professes her best friendship for the roses that BW hands out. She has all of the ones he's given to her hanging from the chandelier by a hair clip. BW finds that romantic, and they proceed to suck face. Yes, she gets the rose.

And here is where we must stop because we Simply Cannot Stand It Any Longer. Not only are these bachelorettes uniformly the meanest group in all bachelor history, but we are now questioning our own Moral Judgement as we have been tricked into liking what is really a Stealthtard. He sneaks up on us with his brawny towel man good looks and ernestness, but here it is folks: The man is a box of rocks. We are pretty sure that he has not used words requiring more than 2 syllables all season, and now he is saying that Jenni can't possibly be real for her hairclipped roses. So the girl got an A in arts and crafts; this does not make her a quality choice.

Anyway, as the canoodling is continuing on Le Sanders' sofa, Date Box 2 arrives in the midst of "I will cut you bitch like KLo's neighbor Dennis" going back and forth between DeAnna a/k/a Dee Dee a/k/a Double Dee and Jade. We used to like Double Dee, but now we don't like her because she is mean and scary a little. But this date box is for Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Betina Newton John, Sophy, and Kristy. "There is nothing sexier than a woman's laugh. Show me yours." it reads. Aaaaaand, once again, we decide to petition ABC to let us be the poet laureate. But nooooo.

Date #2 starts on a double decker bus (see "shit," supra). Bradley doesn't want to end up with a "shy girl," so he opts to take the ladies to a comedy club, where they take an improv class. Really this is not as fun to watch as we thought it would be, and Kristy cries when her "My name is sugar and I'm looking for a little spice" comment falls flat (chirp chirp). She wanted to loosen up and let him see her "fun side" (WTF IS UP WITH THESE SIDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and she feels like she's blown her chances with him. We try to care, and in the end Bettina Newton John gets the safety rose on this date.

Date #3 is for the last two women: Double Dee and Jade. "Tonight there is just one rose; one stays and one goes." Come on people. How about "This bud is for the last chick standing; So lick those lips and start sandbagging." Jade is out for blood, confident that BW will see through Double Dee's fakeness and give her the rose. But back off bitches, because Double Dee is "way more mature than Jade. Very mature." And also matchity with the sofa in her crazy headband. We feel a little dizzy and have to close our eyes.

This little threesome is totally awkward and involves a lot of cutting people off. Jade started working at 16, but Double Dee was working at 14. Yes, let's just start playing "Coal Miner's Daughter" right now for you babies. D squared wants a family, and wants someone who believes in God. But Jade has really crazy plastic jelly stripper shoes on. She should win, but BW is drawn to Double Dee's strength and gives the rose to her. Jade drives off in the limo, saying that D does not deserve her happy ending. We, personally, are just sad that the "un triscuit y dos mujeres" melodrama not previously seen since Mad TV has come to an end. Double D and BW end up making out in the hottub and Jade drives away. Double Dee is all pleased because "Brad saw a side of her that he wanted to see." Be sure he checks your teeth for scurvy and hips for birthing potential, too, hon.

Aaaand as that date is progressing, all the remaining women at the house declare their readiness to be engaged in 6 weeks. Bettina Newton John is like, "ya'll are crazy. You have no idea what it is like to be married," as she was once. And suddenly, we really REALLY don't like Hillary. Hillary likens Bettina to a "used car" that you have to make sure still works by kicking the tires every now and then. You, Hillary, are like a moped. Likely to be ridden by men who have lost their licenses and never cool. Ever.

And at last, it is the rose ceremony. And sheesh, everyone is crying. Kristy is all GLAD she cried to him because she wanted him to see that side (nononononooooo) of her. But BW thinks she might be "too much of a lady; too refined" for him. And we see an axe looming. Sheena lays it on the line and tells him this is all real for her. And suddenly the clouds open and we have a new favorite: Sheena-E, coming from behind to take the lead!!! Then it takes four women, in one-word each, to ask BW who his first kiss was. We realize that they probably thought their approach was "adorable," and we conclude it was about as adorable as the mildly disturbing pantomime of "good morning starshine" or whatever the frick those girls pantomimed at one semester's talent show back in college. We feel sort of dirty. But Bradley answers and says Jenni, and teeth immediately get sucked back. Bettina Newton John says about 10 times that "its not a competition. It's a relationship." And Jenni doesn't care any more.

McCarten cries. Hillary cries. Bettina cries. McCarten's eye shadow would blind a truck driver in the middle of the night. And finally, FINALLY, he picks to join Bettina Newton John and Double Dee:
1. Kristy
2. Sheena -E (yay); and
3. Hillary.

McCarten and Sophy get the axe. And both are devastated. As McCarten says, "BW is someone that I could see being the father of my children OR my husband." (I am not making the emphasis up). We are glad to see her leave, as we are sure that a few more weeks of tanning would have enabled her to blend in with the dirt.

Stay tuned for next week, when Sheena-E falls down the stairs on the way to her date and Hillary has another coronary.

K