BW Part Finale: Oh no he DIDN'T.

"Today is the most important and exciting day" BW says to kick of the finale episode. He is drinking coffee on his porch from a weird ribby-like-a-tube-sock coffee cup that we are pretty sure has to go through the dishwasher a few times to get clean.

Suddenly here we are with his mom Pam, Bro Chad, and what we think at first is the young dude Mrs. Robinson picked up and is now calling Brad's dad but who later turns out to be another brother Wes (oops). Anyhow, Double Dee rolls up wearing her signature orange. We tell our viewing companion KMu that we could go back through the episodes and point out that Big Dee has worn the same shade of orange for weeks upon weeks. "That's to prove she's a hot Latina," says Kmu. "Yes, because she's Greek," says I.

As they eat dinner, BW reveals that Double Dee is not just a realtor, but also a bartender! "We would not only gain a sister in law, but an employee as well," says somebody. We are kind of creeped out by this. But not as creeped as by Pammy asking Deanna if she is in love with BW. Pam is wearing too much foundation, which this viewer will call pancake even if that is oldfashioned because it looks like it, all glisteny and "flesh"-color Crayola crayon-like. Double Dee loves him with all her heart, would be crushed if they never saw each other, etc etc.

The next BW-Family date is with Jenni, in green. AGAIN. How is it possible that she woke up one morning and decided to fill an entire closet with George Michael circa 1989 "Gotta Have Faith" electric green? About as likely as Deanna standing at a road construction site with a stop/slow sign, we conclude (which we totally saw this morning on our way to work).

This date progresses along much the same lines as with Double Dee. They eat. Pam asks her if she has told BW she loves him yet. She chokes. Mom says "You're not marrying BW, you're marrying all of us. Do you get that?" She yes yes, she loves him, and then they play football. Mom concludes that "sweetheart, you've got your work cut out for you," in deciding between the two women. According to Pam, "white is white and black is black to Brad. There is no gray in his life." And right then and there, this viewer KNOWS (or really, confirms) that BW is not for her, as we are really a Whiter Shade of Pale. I mean seriously, how do you get to your 30s still thinking that way?

But now, here come the final dates. Oh oh oh, Double Dee has cooked something and it involves greenery. We discover this is lasagne. As our only lasagne-making attempt ended in shameful tragedy (we will not go there), we cannot throw stones. Particularly since she baked. At any rate, the question here becomes, "Are you there Brad? It's me, Deanna." as we are treated to the following soliloquey:
Scene One: (following Brad's declaration that she is everything he looks for in a wife.)
Double Dee (to be delivered in a monotone):
"I have a certain way that dishes should be done, and that laundry should be done. I am falling in love with you, and I want to be the person that makes you happy and smile. I know the things that we share, and I can't imagine you sharing those thoughts and feelings with anyone else."

Ok, SERIOUSLY. I heart you, Big D, but this is freaking me out with the monotone and the rapid blinking. And also, what is up with the dishes/laundry/I love you nonsequitor?

We will never know, as we jump forward to BW's last date with Jenni. BW is wearing this linen shirt and right away we know that he does not do his own ironing. We once had a pair of linen pants that we thought were pretty until we sat at dinner too long and ended up looking like an elderly asian tourist of america with our socks clearly showing below capris-length jeans. All of this reminds us that there ARE people like us, as on our way over to KMu's house last night a man stopped us (in our full bucket hat, sweatpants, dress socks, and sandals with crackberry and mailbox key Total Hotness) and mistook us for his wife. We might live in what might be referred to locally as A Retirement Community, but we Felt like we belonged, you know?

Anyway, Jenni doesn't cook, since she got them sushi. But we heart the sushi, so we give her a Pass. We also give her a Pass because for the first time, we have seen her tattoo up close, as she is wearing our college sundress that we decided we were too old to wear and now wish we had back. Said tattoo is two smiley faces (one colored in) with a heart between them. We can only conclude that this means "don't worry, be racially-and-culturally-sensitive-and-everybody-get-along-as-it-is-a-small-world." We decide we kind of want a tattoo like that, even though it will sag with age to take on the appearance of two breasts on her back.

But Jenni gives an even longer soliloquey than Double Dee, which we will not write here except to note that she has not memorized it. She unfolds her paper and begins:
"Brad, I love everything about you and I want you in my life.
I do believe everything happens for a reason and that people you meet mean something.
I am falling in love with you (phew) and I want to share my life with you.
I respect you with everything I have and I know this is really hard for you.
I stand by you no matter who you choose.
But please know that if you take a chance on me (crying now), and want to go through life with me, I would be so good to you."

KMu describes Brad's thoughts as she talks:
"Oh My God, should I tell her that I can't read?"

And then it is a new day. Brad wakes up on some stripey sheets that look sort of waxy and uncomfortable to go shopping for engagement rings at Chopard. Everybody else is getting ready in their foxy short dresses. Deanna has dressed like The Oscar (seriously, check it out). Jenni has opted for a more flowing Blue Goddess in a Short Skirt option. And then Brad stands before us in a garden of small trees cut by Mr. Miagi, on a pedestal of stone, waiting for the ladies.

And out steps Jenni from the limo. NOOOOOOO. And he takes the big Dump: "From the moment I saw you, I was taken aback by your beautiful smile. But I want something more than I have with you, so I am saying goodbye." *gasp* And we heart Jenni and we stand up with her in Fierceness as she tells him that this is why she didn't want to tell him how she felt because now she did and she's embarrassed. And we decide Jenni must be the next Bachelorette, and that we will put up with her 8th grade boy giggle if only she can Find Love Next Time Around. As she rides away in the limo, she says her dad told her there is one person out there for her and that she will find him. We heart Jenni's dad.

And now it is Double Dee's turn. He tells her she looks beautiful, strong, and independent (uh oh). He says "I think about that night I first kissed you, and it's been a long time if ever that I felt this way. And I just said goodbye to Jenni." AND THEN HE WALKS OFF THE PEDESTAL and we are all "WTF," and DD is all "WTF" and standing awkwardly two feet above him on some stone step as he wanders around the garden before climbing back up to her. "We always said we would be perfectly honest with each other, and that is why I can't tell you that I love you. I have to say goodbye."

Ohhhhh.... SNAP. On the one hand, we admire his honesty, and Double Dee's "oh no, bitch, you didn't" response to him. But on the other, this dude SERIOUSLY needs to work on his dumping skills. "I love you and you are fabulous, but I'm just not that into you" really does not help with the ladies. As she rides away in the limo, Double Dee says "I am sick of being that girl that makes the guy perfect for the next one." And then we LOVE Double Dee as a Woman After Our Own Heart.

We go to credits with a picture of BW on the pedestal, crying and holding a ring.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when Jenni and Double Dee confront BW in After the Final Rose. We are not quite sure bloodletting won't be involved.

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