BW Part 7: I've Got Something in My Pants

In keeping with the late theme of this season's bachelor blogging, we apologize for the delay caused by, though we won't mention names (KMu), a decided preference for DVR'd Dancing with the Stars combining with this viewer's inability to stay up past 11 pm. A perfect storm, if you will. But as the anonymous (KMu) viewer and her husband have saved us numerous times from the Pitfalls of 1982 Television Ownership through the Technological Wonder of the Record Button, we at the Bachelor News Update do not hold a grudge.

But more importantly, It has finally happened!!! Yea, gentle readers, this Viewer is now one Kevin Bacon removed from the best show EVER, and that Kevin Bacon is none other than Cabo San Lucas. No longer must we claim bachassociation via this one reader who was roommates with a contestant one season, or this other reader whose parents play golf with the parents of another bachelor on ocassion. No no, but not only have we BEEN TO cabo san lucas, but to one of the very resorts FILMED in said episode. We bask in the glory.

Speaking of, it is lady bits galore as Jenni runs towards BW in a mini-mumu of red. And it only goes down (ha ha, we crack ourselves up) from there as they swim with the dolphins. We cannot look away from the entire foot of Jenni's ice cream shelf spanning downward before we are mercifully saved from the eternal "did she Sphynx it" inquiry of all male readers by the "ini" part of the leopard print bikini. Oh sweet Jesus. If not felled by the ini, we are blinded by the hot pink lhasa apso bows holding the entire ensemble together.

Befittingly, BW cannot wait to "spend the night with her and get to know her in that way." We are confident that the only "way" of which he means is under cover of darkness, and not in his own archeological dig for said Sphynx. We are assured of our correct assumption by Jenni's statement that it is very hard to say how she is feeling, and easier for her to show it. To Jenni, we say "know theyself:"
J: " I am pretty sure you has something special in your pocket, and I would like to see it."
J again: "Or are you just happy to see me?"
BW: "Why don't you just grab it."

And there it is: Bachelor First part deux: in which the Lady Requests the Fantasy Suite Key.
J: "When a man and a woman are extremely attracted to each other, you never know what might happen." Did she miss 8th grade sex ed? We sincerely pray no, as they shut the bedroom door against our eyes.

Date 2 is with Bettina Newton John, and we are COMPLETELY CREEPED OUT. We understand that muffin-top-showing fashion is popular these days, but one should not show MT when the T has been entirely dieted off. If BW thinks he's going to see the "true woman" in her as he hopes, we must express our doubt as that girl don't weight enough to be a woman any time soon. In any event, they raise the main sail of the boat they are frolicking in. "Brad and I got to operate a boat, and he looked really hot."

We hope this sentence never crosses our lips.

Nor this: "This time on the beach is a perfect time to be intimate and physical with him."

We do not care because for the love of god, we must get her a sandwich before her french cut bikini bottoms give up the ghost also known as "traction" and slide up her skinny arse like the wedgie of evil torturer of this viewer in jr. high, EM, so massive and highlighted by EM's white shorts that our own mother felt bad for her on Track and Field day from 1/4 mile away the stands. And apparently, BW feels the same, as he suggests that they eat. And then, of course, sleep together. But she, too, is falling in love with BW, so that makes it all ok. We later learn that they ate to the caterwauling strains of "con la cama roja" (like the red bed, babies).

And then it is DeAnna's turn. We applaud Double Dee for not wearing any ice-cream-shelf-or-arse-revealing fashions for their spin in dune buggies. She, of course, kicks his ass: "I am a very good driver, and when you want to learn, I will teach you." And our personal favorite: "If I drove like that, I'd be lonely too." Though we secretly wonder if our own singlish state is caused by our driving skills. booo.

Soon it is time for dinner. We conclude that ABC has gotten it Wrong this time, as we focus in on the Day of the Dead skeletons most assuredly intended for Bettina Newton John's dinner date (give the girl a sandwich/she is toast/eat some toast). Double Dee and BW firmly establish that neither has the opportunity to meet people like the other very often. And then, the soliloquey (ayayayaya Spanish guitar):
Double Dee: "I knew. I just knew. I always knew you had my heart. I am falling in love with you."
Only like, 300 words longer. He is speechless, and BW gives her the room key because he "wants to get physical. To Kiss, and touch, and hug." He sees her as a soulmate, and that he could spend his life with her. ew.

We all know it is a ploy to make us think someone else has a chance. But we are not fooled; we know that Jenni is really going to win. Nice try, ABC.

And soon it is the Rose Ceremony, in which all have apparently gotten the memo to wear blue (except Jenni, because she is Different and will be Picked in the End). Jenni, of course, has her bits on display. But Bettina NJ has stolen our Six Single Sisters frock from the Follies, died it blue, and added a some silky underlay thingy for good measure. We are all confused by the straps and sleeves and other strappy thingies and know that she could not Undress Gracefully.

Surprise, surprise, Brad picks:
1. Jenni, and
2. Double "you look amazing" Dee.

And with similar shock, we learn that BW STILL has not learned the Art of Cut and Run. "I have been thinking of you all day," he tells Bettina NJ. "This decision is going to haunt me. There are real feelings." Even though he DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, which is the reason why he gave her the axe.

But suddenly, we are not caring anymore, because for the first time ever in bachelor history, two bona fide brunettes stand at the final gate. Way to represent.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All.