BW Part 6: Clear in the Rear

Babies, BW the Bachelor episode 6 begins with a gratuitous shot of Brad in the bath. As this reminds us of the naked man bent awkwardly backwards in a giant piece of driftwood as if his very own wood points northward in the "art shot" we might have seen in saugatuck over the weekend (I cannot believe that Saugatuck hosts a Gay Pride festival, can you?), we are somewhat nonplussed. In any event, he wants to marry a woman whose whom he can go to, and shake her dad's hand, and hug her mom, and feel like family. "Because you WOULD be family, dumbass," says our viewing companion KZ, and we are off to the races.

Like, OMG, the first hometown date is with Jenni in Kansas. They hug and rock like we all used to in Jr. High dances, and she takes him to the location of her very first dance competition, the Mary Jane Teall Theater. She, like, won $50 in that competition! Yes, well, this viewer won $60 in the penny slots in Vegas, so take that, bitches. Anyway, she is all "OMG, I am sooo embarrassed" as she does a Phoenix Suns dance routine for BW and he hoots and hollars.

Ooooh no. Crisis: As Jeni is dancing, all BW can think about is that she might stay in Phoenix another year. This worries him, as he did not see her for a week and it seemed like forever. What if feelings fade? We conclude that the dude needs some ginko biloba or whatever they sell for memory these days, as Jenni puts the slap down: "If you heart me, you will compromise with me and be patient for a year while I dance for the Suns." We have a small glimmer of admiration for Jenni, even if she laughs like a drain and wears hot pink halter baby doll tops. While we are a fan of tummy-hiding fashions, we did not think The BabyDoll is what God intended.

But first we must get through dinner with her family, at her mom Vicky's hair salon. We meet Richard (dad), Vicky (mom), Tiffany (sister), and Grandma Betty, who is 100% grandma, as her shirt indicates. Grandma B wants to know if BW is a drinker, since he owns a bar. And she informs him "that little lady ain't a walkin baby factory" when he says he wants lots of kids. Ever ready to create more awkwardness, Vicky decides to capture BW by washing his hair and asking questions about why he hasn't met women in his bar business. Tiffany, meanwhile, is flat ironing Jenni's hair and asking if BW is like, a good kisser. We know he probably spits a little in his subject's mouth when Jenni says that maaaaybe she could see kissing him for the rest of his life.

But we love Richard the most, because he wants to know "what's your goals?" in life. Brad starts to say what his goals are, and Richard stops him with a "I don't need to know what they are, just that you have ONE." (singular). Yeah, BW will fit right in with this family.

Oh, and Jenni made the dance team.

And without time to refill our wine, we are off to Walnut Creek, California, to meet Sheena's family. WTF is this girl wearing? Not only is it Mommy and Me matching turqouise with her mom Beverly, but the whole thing is held together with a dream catcher. Which we realize later is really just foreshadowing. Way to go, ABC.

Anyway, Sheena, BW, Beverly (who obviously dyes her hair) and dad (whose name we did not catch but who also dyes his hair) spend the day out on the water, inner tubing. "Clear in the rear!" shouts Beverly. BW had "so much fun lettin' loose and cuttiING up." We find it odd which letters he elects to drop for words and which he chooses to emphasis. Bev informs him that she and Dad still date...each other and that they are in Love. We actually think that is Fabulous and hold out hope that if Bev the Batshit can find someone for 24 years, we might also.

And then we suddenly learn that Bev works for the psychic hotline. OMG, she discovers that BW is a Scorpio, just like Sheena's dad. This elicits high fives all around. (viewer KM wants to know: "Are we high fiving because we are scorpios???") Sheena is an aries, and that is like, soooo perfect. When in the jacuzzi, dear readers, the big dipper is right above you. And the stars are lined up. And whether Sheena is Brad's one, or someone else's one, Bev knows that she is the one, you know? When Bev first met BW, all she could see was his eyes, and Sheena's eyes, and the eyes lined up. And when we talk about marriage, Sheena and Bev, or "we" as Bev says, are ready to commit. Every mom wants her daughter to be married, and BW is just perfect for Sheena.

Chirp.

We - and BW- are a little terrified, and are only made more so by Beverly's announcement that she is a FASHION COORDINATOR and could plan the whole wedding in a jiffy. Sheena wants to know if Beverly "annoyed" brad later on in the hot tub, and BW says no. We instantly know she is toast.

Date #3 is in Canton, Georgia, with Double Dee. She brings him a bucket of peaches. He brings her famly some wine. And we love her dad Greg, brother Thomas, and Sister Chrissy, all of whom have gotten the memo to wear red cotton shirts. Her stepmom Rebecca is in black, but we conclude that this is ok, as it enhances her blonde hair (we can be a fashion coordinator, too). We really don't know what to say about this date. We have the obligatory "let me steal you away to the bedroom, sister, and ask Deep Meaningful Questions like 'what if he doesn't pick you'" moment with Chrissy, and the man-to-man-on-the-porch conversation with dad, and the photo album looking,....and then the rest of the family comes over. OPPA!!! We dance in a circle. We drink ouzo and BW tries to keep a straight face with the taste because he is a "man."

KM concludes that BW wins the "Most Unfortunate Use of Air Quotes" award.

The fourth and final date is in Washington DC with a completely, utterly buttless and yoga pant wearing Bettina Newton John. We conclude that she has NO RIGHT to wear yoga pants without a fanny. Anyway, we meet her dad Richard, Step-Mom Emma Thompson, Mom who will not age well, and her sister Alexis. The dad is horrified and very dissapointed because BW has no education and Richard happens to be a professor. In Richard's words, "It's definately not what I would want for my daughter to find a husband. Her prior husband was a wonderful, wonderful man, and she will never find someone better. Love is blind." We conclude that he is an ASS both for taking sides with Bettina NJ's ex over his daughter and also for probably living smugly in Georgetown, reading Kafka, dressing like a beatnik, and marrying women who look like Emma Thompson while secretly having a Hummer and giving money to the NRA. In the words of BW, who we momentarily heart even if he is dumb (even in the dullest rocks there can be edges of brilliance) when he says, "I might not be educated, but I know enough not to judge people."

Our viewer KM wants to know if Bettina NJ is adopted.

We discover she is not when she tries to comfort BW later, who is rightfully furious, by saying "it's ok. I don't look that great on paper either." While we are glad for this little one-on-one and for BW's defense of himself, we find it weird that it is occuring on the Lincoln Memorial at midnight. WWAbeD?

And finally, it is the rose ceremony. Jenni is wearing a hot pink lampshade which we cannot mock because it *mighit* also appear in our older sister's high school closet. Sheena E is wearing red satin that looks like a big scrunchity bow. Double D is wine colored, and Bettina NJ is in basic black. And he picks.....
1. Double Dee
2. Jenni
3. Bettina Newton John (WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!)

We are shocked, yet totally called it. He sends Sheena E packing, saying that she is deserving of the perfect guy, and he just doesn't feel like he is (read: I am just not that into you). We are sad for her when she drives away in the limo, declaring that she would do it all again because she hearted him that much.

Stay tuned for next week, when BW takes the ladies on romantic dates in Cabo San Lucas, where Double Dee puts her heart on the line, and it's easier for Jenni to show BW how she feels, rather than tell him (eek!).