BW Part After the Final (wait, there WASN'T ONE) Rose

Chris Harrison is coming, and he is PISSED. He is so pissed that we are not even distracted by the one dude randomly appearing in the audience, likely as a Mother's Day gift to his wife and daughter. And this is why: Nobody has talked since that fateful Saturday 2 1/2 months ago when BW dumped both Jenni and Deanna. It looks like not even Chris has, and it is Going to Be a Bloodbath, Babies.

But first, ABC must do some serious triage by carting out the two happy couples from this show. Trista and Ryan truck out their baby Max, who is very cute, and discuss how they feel bad for all involved. And then Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots appear. We are pleased to report that LB is still sporting the same long greasy hair. But Mary. Oh oh Mary. In the words of KMu, Mary has taken every piece of turquois from the local tribe. And she has fashioned it into Betty Rubble's necklace. She has also fallen in love with LB's fishing so much that she is now fishing professionally as well. Oh, and they are getting married "in November," which we are guessing to be 2008. We are pretty sure that if we had the time to go back through Previous Bachelor News Updates, we would discover that she has said they were getting married "in November" for more than one year now.

And then it is time for Jenni, who comes out in her signature green empire-waisted babydoll dress of cotton t-shirt material. If we were 18 again, we would wear a bikini every day as we would now know that It Ain't Gonna Ever Be Better. We applaud that Jenni has figured that out in her 20s and is taking full advantage of the ability to wear entire t-shirt material clothing without revealing the hail-damaged ravages so frequently highlighted by the stirrup pants of one's later years. We note that she has also dyed her hair black, probably in mourning. We would too.

Jenni with an "i" lays it on the line. After a very sad tribute to her grandma (who died two weeks ago), in which we determine that Grandma B KNEW that BW was a weasel from day one, Jenni tells us that she feel misled , and (check this), THOUGHT HE WAS WITH DEANNA UNTIL THE SHOW AIRED LAST NIGHT. That is just pure evil. And she criticizes Brad for assuming that love can only happen one way, and for not even attempting to see how it would go in real life with either herself or Deanna. "Love doesn't just come sliding out from under the bed," says she.

We give her a pass on that one.

And then Double Dee comes out. She is also in black, with black nails (which might be a Little Much, but are also cute. And if we had painted our nails like that, maybe we wouldn't have bitten two of them off yesterday). She reveals that she still has feelings for BW, and that part of her hopes that he will come out on set today and ask her out, while simultaneously being pissed and feeling like he has some serious issues. "Anyone would be lucky to have me or Jenni in their lives. Did he think something better was going to come along? Most men get only one! He had two! Hell yeah, something is wrong with him." ok, so that last part we might have editorialized, but she did pretty much say it.

And then BW enters, to a smattering of "boos." And Chris Harrison gets his Miss Thang on. BW starts out saying he's more disappointed than anyone and has a broken heart too, but CH is like, "DUDE, you flew Deanna's dad out. You ASKED for Deanna's dad to come out. You were going to propose [you crap weasel]." And Chris is all "yes I did, Chris. I had a bad feeling in my gut when I looked at rings, but I wanted to give it every chance." And Chris comes back, "So did you feel like a [lying crapweasel tard] jerk?"

Finally, the women come out to face him individually, and right then, we decide that Jenni and Deanna must become the next Bachelorettes and Find Love in Tandem because they do not give him an inch. Jenni tells him she's lost some respect for him, and asks why on earth, if he had such "strong feelings" for either one of the women, he would let them both just walk away. And BW is all "I showed both of you the utmost respect BY walking away because I couldn't commit to one when I had feelings for both [even though my feelings for Deanna were stronger and I think of her every day] [as we later discover]."

And then Deanna is like, "you led me on [creep]." She's all, "Throughout the whole process, you didn't give me any indication. You told me Saturday [the day of dumping] was going to be a good day! For who? Was it a good day for you Brad, because it sure wasn't for me." And then he makes it worse by saying he wanted to give "our love" every chance of happening, but it just wasn't 100%.

Chris Harrison jumps in the ring: "Were you looking for ways out? The whole 100% is just an excuse." To which he responds that there are "absolutely" still feelings on his side for Double Dee and that he thinks about her every day. AND THEN he tells Deanna that, with respect to letting her walk out of his life and never see her again: "I am very confident in my decision, yes." BUT THEN AGAIN during the fade to credits and after she has told him he has made a serious mistake, he tells her "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know" and DD is all "please don't say that to me right now."

This dude is an emotionally irresponsible brick.

WE are pissed. Chris Harrison, you better find a nice one next time around, because we don't Want Anymore Scrubs.

Until the Spring, Babies (unless we retire from blogging based on our inability to write in a timely manner).

-Peace.