Rocky Part 2: My Little Pony

Ok, ladies: a word about the hair. We HATE the formal ponytail. We say we hate the formal ponytail even while understanding that Hate is a strong word and we should not use it. But we do. We hate it, and we believe that all women should avoid the formal PT and all bouffantness associated therewith BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A HORSE. The end.

Episode 2 begins with the announcement that we will have two group dates, each with a rose of protection guaranteeing advancement to the next round. Oooo, we have squeels of joy at this announcement, particularly as date box #1 is a jewelry box. "Come Runway with Me."

We know this is going to be stupid.

Date #1 is with Ashlee the singer/songwriter, Kristine the personal trainer, Marshana the fashion designer, Erin the cupie doll, Holly the childrens' book author (we think), Erin the hot dog vendor (go meat!), Amanda of the first-one-out-of-the-limos that we sort of like, and Michelle the "my reed needs to be wet to vibrate" cellist.

Big surprise: these women are going to catwalk for the bachelor. Bigger surprise: the formal PT is all the rage at this Catwalk of Shame. Marshana, practicing her sashay backstage, totally cuts one of the Erins like my neighbor Dennis. We endure a badly mimicked "yeah baby" from Rocky when Noelle the photographer prances on stage. Kristine has hijacked the big hair from White Snake and recreated it as High Fashion. Holly has a weird clipped little formal PT, which is not aided by her moonwalk in (I am not making this up) in anklet hosiery. Ashlee has the beginnings of a formal PT (big poof on top) ....and Amanda, who we used to like, takes off her top.

oh, this is horrid. And only gets worse when Matt takes the women to a penthouse to "spend some quality time" with them. Enter obligatory conversation about inter-racial dating with Marshana ("I picked you because you are beautiful; not because of the color of your skin") and..... a song by Michelle the cellist, which she wrote for Rocky.

It goes something like this:

I want to find you.
I want you to find me.
I want to touch you.
I want you to touch me.
I want to feel you.
I want you to feel me.
I want to find you (again).
I want you to find me (again).

Let me help you, Michelle: "When I think about you, I would touch myself."

But we stop burning in shame for Michelle when we realize that Ashlee is a dipshit. She steals him away to the bedroom, where she wants to know if Matt is "into her" and informs him that she has been "staring at his lips all day" which is just so moronic but of course gets a kiss from the bachelor. Thankfully, he appears to kiss better than bachelors past, though we feel he could be more selective with whom he bestows his saliva. Of course she gets the safety rose on this group date because he "digs her whole singer/songwriter thing."

And this is our issue: Ashlee is 22. Of course one can be a hippy-trippy singer/songwriter with thin lips when one is 22 years old and still thinks ramen is romantic and that sparkle eyeshadow makes her look mysterious. But give her 10 more years and a mortgage to pay, and she will call mushrooms from a can "dinner" and shave her legs with soap like the rest of us.

We also note (thank you, eagle-eyed viewer Art) that she has forgotten to take the tags of her nightclothes before wearing them on television.

And off we are to date #2: "Take a gamble on love and show me the city of sin." Could this be..... Vegas????? According to Shayne of the Lama, "even if you've been to Vegas a thousand times - like I have - your energy goes up when you arrive." We do not like her and her child-of-D-grade-actor ego.

Each woman is given $1,000 in chips to play for 30 minutes. She who stands with the most money at the end gets to spend 30 minutes in the closet with the Bachelor at the end of the date. One woman suggests that "what she's really going to be gambling with is her heart." Please God, let Darwin fulfill his work on this special day.

(Off the record, we recommend the penny slots because this viewer might have once won $60 in them once).

Okay, so our viewing partner KDer wants know if this is the "B Crowd" date, as Robin (also 22) is too afraid to gamble because she might lose. Of course this finagles a 5 minute session with the Bachelor where he affirms that she is in fact pretty and blahdy blah. She still doesn't gamble...but Shayne of the Lama does. The Lama Spawn bets it all in roulette and loses on the first spin... but it's okay because she just wants to take him by the hand and run away with him. Gag us.

Anyway, Kelly (in medical sales) wins $2100, so she gets the time with him. We are horrified by our similar name and previous tentative endorsement, as she sounds like she has been smoking for 50 years and promotes herself as "nice, cool, and can hold my alcohol" while slurring like she's been in the ring one too many years, followed by a "oh hell, we have ta see the other bitches..." on the way back from her 30 minutes of heaven.

And then Shayne of the Lama pulls out her D-grade movie-star card and insists that it be stamped. She is used to having tons of roses and attention, dammit, and now she has to wait in line with everyone else while all these other girls are vying for Matt's attention???? Unthinkable! He totally calls her on it, which makes us like him a teensy bit and sort-of make up for the fact that he laughed when Kelly yelled her bitches comment.

Oh oh oh, and then it just goes to hell. Now Kelly is drunk and Shayne is overthinking it in her ooey-gooey "I am an Actress" sort of way: "It's tough. There was an argument. I broke down, and now I want to talk to him. I didn't realize that it would be this real." As she whips out sunglasses that would make Edna on the Incredibles look like she was wearing swim goggles. Meanwhile, Chelsea is selling herself to the Bachelor as a "free-spirited child" (who is also double-jointed) in her blown-up formal PT that we hate. And she has this stupid laugh that wins her the Safety rose as Shayne skulks in a bathroom wearing her giant sunglasses and talking out of both sides of her mouth: "I'm used to getting my way, and I have to ask if this is worth it.....If I wanted to leave, I would, but I feel something for him."

Finally, blessed day, it is the Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Robin (afraid to gamble) is going to "Take the relationship to the next level and be a 'lot more vulnerable'" if she wants to make Episode 3. [insert shudder from KDer]. A cheesy conversation about meeting half-way to kiss and how he is getting off at the next stop (hahahhahhaa ) ensues. Blah blah they kiss.

Marshana swoops in for the kill, and he showers her with accolades about her creativeness. She invites him to dance with her (no music, Oh The Romance), and he wants to kiss her but won't do it with all these women looking on. And then Carri - remember she bit the beer can in half? - yeah, she also sings opera.

Once again, she unhinges her jaw and we get: "Suuuuuuuuummmmmmmmerrrrrttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. And the living is Eaaaaaaaassssssssssyyyyy."

Oh. Sweet. Mary. On. Buttered. Toast.

We are saved only by Amanda and her stress-induced hiccups, Shayne and her admission of a "little tantrum" the other night (and ginormous hair ball on top of her head), and Marshana's grinding in the bachelor's lap. We will take this all to Summertime in church-lady vibratto, yes we will, and with a smile. Oh, and we also will take all of this over Chelsea - who apparently decided to wear a dress out of toilet paper with air holes on the sides since she knew she already had a rose.

And he chooses:
1. Robin, who we are starting to think looks like a freakity Christina Ricci
2. Holly (we know nothing about her yet, other than she likes hot pink)
3. Erin the hot dog vendor (Go meat)
4. Amanda (stress hiccups; we sort of like her and forgive her for taking off her top on the catwalk)
5. Kelly who can hold her alcohol (not)
6. Amy
7. Kristine
8. Marshana
9. Noelle
10. Shayne. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And with that, we know why he has poor judgment. I mean, we already sort of knew but this is only the damning evidence. Although admittedly, he dropped Erin the cupie doll, Carri "summertime" beer-can eater, and Michelle who touches herself. So his pickings were slim to begin with.

Stay tuned for next week, when this viewer is in Mexico!!! So we may be a few days delayed, but we will be Back In Action soon enough.

KLo