Rocky Part 3: Ho Shos

We are terrified by the state of American Womankind as we belatedly watch Episode 3 (after returning from a glorious week in Mexico reading, sleeping, and doing water aerobics with the elderly. Yes it's true, I totally Rock). Chris Harrison starts us off describing the rose game this time around: two 1:1 dates and one group date, with a rose up for grabs for each date. But all we hear is 'blah blah blah" because good god, someone must tell that girl in the front row that a white tube top and no bra is Not An Option.

But then Shayne of the Llama has robbed our attention from the Nipples of Death, as she has just placed on her head a fishing cap with a red lure/feather/bird on the side. If this is high fashion, we may just finally be chic. At any rate, she would "just die" if she doesn't get a rose.

So date box #1 arrives, and it is a recepticle for hazardous waste. Oh wait, apparently it is a box for film, as Holly the childrens' book author gets this first private date with Matt to see the movie premier of Maid of Honor.

This is where ABC has us completely fooled. Holly gets all dressed up in her zebra print dress with a boob slit (we hate the boob slit, as it supplies no more than visual confirmation of How Far They Have Fallen), and Matt is all dressed in a tie, and they show up at the red carpet and there are all these paparazzi and they put their hands in cement as lightbulbs flash and write "Matt + Holly" and "Holly hearts Matt 4 ever" next to their handprints, and they TAKE INTERVIEWS with people with microphones....and then walk into the theater for a private showing of the movie.

Ok, that is the Lamest Stunt Ever. I would feel like a complete moron if I knew that ABC put all those paparazzi and microphones and items of big-starness on a carpet just for me because I was some yokel that would be all stunned by the romanticism of it all. Lame lame lame. Which is why we are not on the Bachelor, and even if we were, we would be cut in the first round as the oldish (but well preserved) lawyer that does something horrifying like show baby bathtub pictures to the Target.

But we digress.

Holly and Matt watch the premier of the movie, which we might like as it is a Romance. And we agree with Holly that we might also be inclined to weep through a Romance as does she, because really it is so much more moving than those Kodak commercials that always start us off. Anyway, it scores her a lean on his shoulder. Well-played, Holly.

So off we go to the penthouse suite (floor to ceiling mirrors, ew.) for a very awkward private dinner side by side on the sofa after drinks on the patio in a whicker papason chair. She tells him that he is 100% what she has been looking for in a man, which of course he is because she is 25 years old, and he says that he might be "too comfortable" with her and alludes to a lack of Electricity. Of course, this leads to kisses in the hot tub while wearing a sequined bikini (her, not him, although wouldn't that be an interesting twist), and voila, she gets the rose. He would have been "gutted" if she said no.

Meanwhile, back at Ranch Ladybits, there is a knock on the door and SHayne opens it to see the cement block with "matt -n- Holly" etc etc written in it. A 5 minute discussion of whether Matt or Holly wrote the particular script ensues. We secretely wish it was a bag of poop on fire because that would have been more interesting, but whatever - we are mostly focused on Shayne of the Llama's tuxedo shirt.

Then it is time for date #2, which is a group date with the remaining 10 women (except Shayne, who got the next private date). These women get off the short bus and Girl #1 is wearing Ho Shos. Yes, they are shorts so completely up in her bits that they do not deserve a a "rt" at the end.

Noelle the photographer has the singular goal of not being killed while playing rugby, the date activity for this group. Chelsea is wearing pink stuff on her cheeks. Ashlee is wearing fake eyelashes. Nearly all of the women have tied their rugby shirts in that annoying back knot that young girls think is hot until they realize that it is damn uncomfortable to lean back in a chair and also creates muffintop. We only like Amanda (the one with stress hiccups called the "meeps" and who was the first one out of the limo on day #1), who says "yeah, Matt talked to me after every drill. It was either because he wanted to talk to me or because I was completely pathetic." We decide Amanda is the only redeeming female in this bunch.

So Kelly and Marshana are team captains, and Ashlee gets picked last because, in the words of Chelsea, "if you wear fake eyelashes to a rugby match, you DESERVE to get picked last." Chelsea totally plows into Ashlee, which is kind of awesome, and then oh no oh no Marshana is hurt. She took and elbow to the mouth and is now bleeding. Chelsea talks trash about Marshana wanting 1:1 time and we are starting to think Chelsea might be a little rough around the edges, but then Marshana totally milks her swollen lip for all it is worth and stares adoringly up at Rocky. As this is annoying, we decide that it is a draw between Marshana and Chelsea in this Viewer's mind.

But more interestingly, Shayne is totally "dying" because she needs "to tan SO BADLY" in preparation for her upcoming date with Matt. And Holly reveals that she brought a spray tanner....and whips out this contraption that seriously looks like my mother's applesauce crank/an engine part. "I brought it but didn't want the other girls to know," says she. And then suddenly she is wearing surgical gloves and spraying Shayne down in the tub. "Now all I need is a treadmill and I'm set" says the Llama. We are literally speechless.

Anyway, so back on the group date, "Team Gangsta" wins the rugby match. We never do discover the name of the other team, although we are quite confident it includes either "Shorty" or "Bitches" in its title. They all jump into the Short Bus to take a ride back to Matt's Crib, where he surprises the ladies with two masseuses. Marshana concludes that htis is "so thoughtful" of him. "As if," says our viewing companion KMu, "he had a damn thing to do with it."

As the other women are frolicking in the pool, Matt steals Kelly for some private time on the massage table. Yes, and it is that terrible. Kelly does a sort of drunk shimmy to the side, popping her hip bone out of joint, and then proceeds to climb on top of him and rub his back, all while talking in that "I smoked for 50 years and am only 23" sort of voice. Meanwhile, Robin is concluding that she is going to have to "step it up" and reveals to him in stolen time that she "will do whatever it takes, but I don't want to do stupid things." We conclude that she has already lost that battle by tweezing her eyebrows into a permanent expression of surprise and also by going after him like a pit bull. But soon Kelly reappears and details each attempt to locate Matt's ticklish spots to the entire group, thereby cementing their distaste for her.

FInally, FINALLY Amanda gets some 1:1 time with our bachelor. We secretly like her because she reminds us of our friend's fiancee, but then....... we realize they must never be together because it will only end in heartbreak, as he is probably a raging homosexual.

You see, he has just revealed to her that he loves old school George Michael.

In the end, Robin gets the rose on this date. According to Kelly, now completely foxed, wearing a fake fur coat, and sporting spectacularly red eyes, "Robin ish a gurl ... I would never in a millyun yearsh, if I was a dude, date. Neber. Robin shood go home n I shood wine." Yes, dear.

So date box # 3 arrives for Shayne, and she is wearing Ho Shos and this terrible bag top and gets all excited because her date has wine and she loves wine. How fortunate for her that she has chosen to wear six inch high white stripper boots with leather topping to walk on the cobblestones while getting tanked. Matt an the Llama have a deep discussion about family and her life of hardships: She moved out when she was 17, would never tell him who her dad is because he wouldn't know Lorenzo the Llama in England, but oh by the way he is an actor named Lorenzo the Llama and he used to be on a show called Renegade. And yes yes, she is ready for a more serious relationship that might end up marriage.

According to Matt, she is the "ultimate LA sex kitten" but he is drawn to her (no shizzle). We do give her props, however, for admitting that she is high maintenance, for not denying that she might have 400 pairs of shoes, and for announcing that her top five things are "1) cars, 2) shoes, 3) handbags, 4) sunglasses, and 5) watches. If you have those five things, it doesn't really matter what you're wearing on your body." Matt concludes that she is either one sandwich short of a picnic or the best thing since sliced bread. We don't really care because we are sick of her simpering tone and descriptions of Hardship and Risk taken to remain on this show because she "did it all for him." He is probably not listening either, as at this point he has his hands on her butt and they are kissing on the bed in front of the fireplace at some lodge which "reminds [Matt] of the old family home, actually."

Surprise, she gets the rose after a big stagey "roses are my favorite flower but I haven't been thinking about the rose on this date" and "ooo, where did that come from" dog and pony show by the Llama.

We are only saved by a flash back to the house, in which Robin is going on and on about the Bachelor and Amanda is Meeping the background. Go Amanda, go!

And at last, it is the rose ceremony. Shayne is wearing some shockingly pink silk bag, but we are really more interested in Kristine the personal trainer, who looks like my Glamour Barbie. KMu concludes that she probably has a giant pink plasatic brush and we both ponder whether she walks on her tippy toes. But unfortunately, we do not get to discover, as Chelsea has snagged Matt and is rambling on all about Matt in the morning, Matt in the afternoon, Matt at night, all she thinks about is Matt and he is telling her that she "shines."

We secretly like Noelle, who is confessing that she feels like a "matter of time girl" that will get cut eventually, because she doesn't feel that he is that interested in her. We feel bad for her lack of wisdom, as she is confiding all of this to Robin, who is trying to get her not to accept the rose if Noelle gets one. We confort ourselves in the fact that Robin has chosen to wear a silken version of one of those giant plastic bibs one gets while at the All You Can Eat buffet. Robin steals Matt.....and then Shayne, Kelly, and Amy steal Matt from Robin...Marshana says "'bout time someone busted Robin up".....and so it goes until there is a big confrontation in the Kitchen and the Llama tells Robin to ease up and stop trying to steal the Bachelor because "a) it's not gonna make you look good, and b) it's not worth it." But Robin will have none of it because "we are all in the same race and only one person can win" because *shuh* "it's a marriage."

Blah blah blah, but OMG, Holly is really sweating badly as she steals the Bachelor away for the hundredth time to go stand in the fountain or by the fountain or something. Oh wait, that is not sweat at all. It is an entire bottle of body glitter that she has sandblasted to her face, shoulders, and chest. If we were Holly, we would have that crap in our contacts and be blowing our nose in the corner while wondering if we were going blind, but no....Holly is on her A game and elicits an "I missed you too" and snogging session with Matt. So far, he has kissed like, 5 women on this pre-rose ceremony drinking fest.

And at last, he must pick the remaining 6 women to join Robin, Shayne, and Holly for the next round. And he picks:
1. Amanda (meep)
2. Ashlee (noooooo)
3. Kelly (ew. just ew. )
4. Chelsea
5. Noelle
6. Marshana.

Go Meat (age 33), Kristine/barbie (age 32), and Amy (age 22, but he had to get rid of one of them because there were no other oldies left) get the axe. If ever this is confirmation we are officially Too Old for This Show, we now have it.

But stay tuned for next week, when "Everybody hates Robin....except the Bachelor" according to Chris Harrison." Actually, next week is tomorrow, so yay team!

KLo