Rocky Part 4: OMGwesortoflikeShayneoftheLlamas

Ok, so apparently we might be a *teensy* bit jet-lagged from Mexico, rendering us incapable of blogging immediately after a show even as we carry our thoughts around with us for days on end as they slowly fall out of our heads. But we are back, and sadly, it is to watch a date about tennis. We sucked so badly at tennis as a child that we were Held Back and were the tallest Mighty Might tennis player for three years.

Anyway, Ashlee is apparently good at tennis, but we really don't notice because she is wearing black sneakers and black socks up to her knees. She is making all of the other women annoyed on this group date (Kelly, Shayne, Robin, Chelsea, and Noelle). Suddenly, we like Shayne. She may be sort of shallow, but she is brutally honest: "Ashee has many talents. And I have heard all of them." Personally, we do not like Ashlee's laugh, which might sound like chickens clucking.

SO then we have the obligatory "I am going to play tennis...but in a sexy way" montage of mystery chick folding her tennis skirt up 3 times because it is too big, and Kelly doing like, three stripper moves in a row. Check it: When she first learns ofthe date, we get a hip shimmy to the side. While playing tennis, *BAM* the sideways butt shimmy. After a particularly good play, *POW* we have the lick-the-pole-nee-tennis-racket-while-flashing-panties move. The funny thing is that the only one Matt really comments on is Chelsea, who is rockin' it old school in my dad's huge head sweatband. We kinda like Chelsea.

Ok, so this date is supposed to be tennis followed by high tea at a private estate. Of course, nobody knew what high tea is, so Robin explains ito the group and then informs the world that "these are the things that are really important to Matt" because they are so English. If that is true, we are in trouble.

So here we are at high tea, and Chelsea and Shayne challenge each other to a gymnast-off. This is sort of lame and obviously with Matt as the "judge," but suddenly Shayne is standing on her hands for 5 minutes and doing backhandspring-backhandspring-back tuck-round-off shizz, and oh by the way, she used to be a gymnist. After we have sufficiently recovered from our shock that this seemingly indolent child is actually super-athletic, we admit we kinda like her even more. What is the Llamas doing to us?????? We are under her spell.

Too bad Ashlee of the chicken giggle must go off in the woods with Matt, wearing a fur trimmed coat over her skimpy tennis outfit because it is COLD and they were DRESSED IMPROPERLY to begin with. She is all happy to walk with him because she "doesn't like slopppy seconds." But then when he comments that she seems to be taking the competition "in stride," he has to explain what that means to her. And then we get yet ANOTHER freaking song. Okay everyone, pinch your throat between your forefinger and thumb and wiggle it madly to achieve sufficient vibrato as we sing together:
I fe-e-e-e-e-e-l
It could be re-e-e-e-e-ea-a-a-a-l
I'm sc-a-a-a-a-a-red
to let myself go The-e-e-e-e-e-re
I f-e-e-e-e-e-ar
that I'll fall so h-a-a-a-a---a-ard
and you'll just break my he-e-e-e-e-e-e-art.

She wrote this song especially for him. We have suffered not once, but twice through it (previously on a rose ceremony). And so we wrote this special song for Matt:

I feel.
Ashlee is a heel.
I'm scared.
If you let yourself go there.
You'll fall for a tard.
And you'll just suffer a boring existence with a thin-lipped girl that giggles like a chicken.

Ok it doesn't all rhyme but the sentiment is there. And it is only more enforced when Ashlee sings to the camera: "I want the rose so-o-o-o-o bad *cluckcluckcluck*"

Anyway, now we are on to the "Tea" part of the date and Robin feels the need to educate the world on her education about tea. "My parents drink tea every morning with cream and milk. My parents love tea. They sought all over the world to find the perfect tea maker. It's huge like a coffee pot, and brews tea fresh." The other women are shooting her daggers and Shayne does a great impression of her, but Robin is oblivious as she steals Matt away and then confesses her "feelings" for him and that it was hard to make said confession. He of course loves this and the Britishness in her. We still do not like her because she is a little too intense (and that is coming from us, dear readers), but whatever. At least she's not a boob like Kelly, who says "I could. care. less." about the tea commentary. Yes dear, that means you care more.

We like Shayne a little more by explaining to Robin when she gets back that dude, it isn't cool to be stealing the Bachelor away all the time when there are girls here that have not had 1:1 time with him. Point 4 for Shayne: she recognizes fairness. Robin starts to cry, and Shayne is like "what on earth are you crying for, it's not worth that. Just stop it." Point 10,0000 for Shayne. We actually heart Shayne.

In the end, Chelsea gets the safety rose on this date. Ashlee is all mad ("Does what WE had mean nothing?"), which is kind of awesome. We like Chelsea because she genuinely wasn't expecting the rose and was nice about it.

So as this all has been happening, the next date box arrives at Ranch LadyB's. Oooo, it's a 1:1 date with Amanda (who we like) with the note "our future together begins with a blast from the past." Marshana suddenly goes all dramatic about how she "might as well go pack because I'm just a nasty underdog," having realized that she is going on the remaining 2:1 date with Holly (who just got back from a private date with Matt). According to viewer KMu: "Too bad she's not on the group date, because she'd bust a cap in Robin's ass." We admit that she is getting increasingly hard core as the episodes go on.

Amanda is getting ready, and she has the meeps, hiccuping like crazy. Unfortunately, the following sentence comes out of her mouth: "I think Matt thinks I'm cute and sweet, so I decided to be the hot bad girl." Fortunately, we have Kelly to confirm that she looks "like a raging slut." You know, when I want to look saucy, I find it's always helpful to have someone confirm that I now look like a ho, fo sho.

Matt shoes up wearing possibly the ugliest black leather jacket ever. It has a poet collar with a little snap. But I think he knows this, and we like him a little more for it. He takes her to a 50's diner, which is apparently like "gold" for a Brit, and he confesses that he has a geek side. "Yeah," says Amanda, "I picked up on that right away." LOL, we heart Amanda. She also tells him that he is the worst dancer ever, as she attempts to teach him how to swing dance. He gives her the rose for that one, and we are starting to like Matt even more. Curiously, we don't see much more of this date - they go to some pier that has been shut down for them and ride all the rides, but that is all we see. We decide that Amanda probably makes it to the end of this show.

More interestingly, Marshana and Holly have now received their date box for the remaining 2:1 date. "Only 1 rose, 1 stays, 1 goes." Ever socially smooth, Robin tells both women: 'Every man for himself. I want you both to go." (see, e.g., bust a cap supra). Marshana is bawling to the camera, saying "please please please pick me pick me. See how beautiful I am. See how fabulous. See how smart. I was ok until that date box came but I cannot handle the pressure now. I would hate to say goodby becuase we could have something great but need more time." etc etc etc. We want to shake her.

But instead, off we go to the final date. This theme was cooking, but we never really see anything related to a kitchen other than Marshana wearing a huge chef hat at a jaunty angle and the three of them eating dinner together. Matt is trying to figure out who "outshines" the other on this date and asks them both about whether they could move to the UK. Of course, they are both like, "as long as I am with you, I could go anywhere." We realize these women are not old enough to have careers.

Matt pulls Marshana away for a 1:1 and tells her, "as the british say, you are a good sport." In other words, "I think of you as a sister." But she is responsible for one of the only intelligent things uttered thus far in Season Rocky: "My parents told me I'd be ready to fall in love when I understood the risks and benefits of a long-term relationship." Props to Marshana's parents, and props to Marshana for her save of this date.

I can't say so much for Holly, who comes up with nothing to say when he confesses that has a "boring side" because he likes to know what is going on in the middle east and also enjoys figuring out hard questions. Her "boring side" is curling up and watching movies. In the words of my White Knights Soundtrack: "We'll just keep living....separate lives."

Unsurprisingly, he bestows the rose on Marshana and Holly goes home that night. In retrospect, we can see it although we don't think Marshana and he really particularly sizzle either. But according to him, he only had physical attraction for Holly and the rest was not there. She drives off in a "state of shock," which also includes a hot pink tube top with a black glittery clasp thing. When Holly's bags disappear at the mansion, Shayne hangs her head. KMu wonders if she is upset because she lost a friend or the spraytanner.

And now we are at the Rose Ceremony and Matt Means Business. We realize he might be serious about this finding a wife on television thing (and then genuinely feel bad for his shallow pool of options) when he systematically pulls every woman aside for 1:1 time and grills them to determine who should go home. Kelly is already drunk, cross-eyed, and talking to her nose.

So the first bit is with Ashlee, who should be off his list for no other reason than that she wore a prom-like gartar with her dress. He tells her that they have a great connection when she pulls out the guitar, but they can't just have music. He asks what would happen if she comes to the UK and the music thing doesn't work out....and witness the Crash and Burn. Ashlee says, "well, it could work. You could travel with me, or I could with you...." Dude, he is a BANKER not a gypsy.

We like Noelle's 1:1 better, although we hate her red lipstick and also are disappointed that ABC does not show much of her conversation with Matt. We wish she would stop wearing makeup because she looks so much better without, but that could be our own bias (or lazyiness or belief that we look like a dragqueen with paint on our faces).

But really what we care about is Kelly, who accosts Matt with "thank you for fitting me in" when he comes to retrieve her. He tells her she seems more interested in the group than in him....she she COMPLETELY UNDOES THE TOP OF HER DRESS and then informs him that she has large boobs. We now know that the Art of Seduction and Intrigue has been reduced to flashing two ginormous jiggly jello molds in silver buckets and declaring that "hot." To Matt's credit, he's completely offended. She promptly falls on the table.

So then we have Shayne. We have to take some of her 10,000 points away because she starts talking in a breathy baby voice to Matt that is probably 15 times higher than her regular voice. Although we give a few points back when she says, "of course I want to be here. Why the hell else would I share a guy with 7 other chicks." We also like her black heels.

I guess we never see the other 1:1 moments with Robin, etc., which is probably a good thing because I am not kidding when I say she is Betty Rubble in her dress-held-up-by-giant-rocks.

And then he picks (to join Amanda, Chelsea, and Marshana):
1. Shayne of the Llamas
2. Robin
3. OMG he wrote it on his hand.....Noelle.

Kelly and Ashlee get the axe (thank god in heaven). According to Kelly, "Bye. I'd be into me. Any dude would want to date me. Maybe he just couldn't handle me." as her dress slowly opens again. We do not understand why, every time she gets drunk, she starts talking about if she were a dude. Meanwhile, Ashlee "can't believe" she's being sent home because he "didn't give her a chance" and she had written a song for him and everything and that is "way more perfect" than words.

And we get a reprise, for the third damn time:
I fee-e-e-e-e-ar
I'll f-a-a-a-a--allll
So haa-a-a-a--a-ard
You'll break my he-e-e-e-e-art.

We are confident that Ashlee will achieve the recording contract that she was attempting to get by appearing on this show and soon make a successful single out of her crap song to Matt.

Stay tuned for next week, when Chelsea and Marshana have a HUGE blow up like two Jersey girls ready to cut each other like my neighbor Dennis.

K