Rocky Part The Women Tell All

As we pan the women who are about to Tell All, we realize that we are in a Robert Palmer video. Or a bad dream in which everyone forgets to wear pants. No bachelorette is wearing a dress shorter than mid-thigh, and most are wearing the equivalent of an awkward medical smock designed to cover you as long as you don't turn around, lift your arms, or stand more than 4 feet tall. And then we see Robin.

Ahoy there, matey.

Robin is wearing an aquamarine tissue held up by sailing rope. We have barely recovered from this shock, when we are accosted by Holly the childrens' book author who is... what color is that.... browrange? Ooo ooo, but there is Erin S (go meat!), drunk Stacey, drunk Kelly, and Erin H. who we thought was pretty except that she has been tanning in glasses and now has that coke-bottle look and also a kinda bizarre nose when it comes down to it. As we have a little butt on the end of our nose, we will not throw stones, but still.

Chris Harrison is just droning on and on about the "journey" Matt has gone on and how he has find true love, and now that he has started talking, all we can focus on is the woman in the stage left background with the couple of nerf balls underneath her pink t-shirt casting torpedo shadows on her stomach. "You are going down, bitches," she seems to say.

But first: what did you think about the Bachelor? Everyone of course wanted a tall, dark, and handsome guy. Marshana, however, wanted all that AND taller than her AND "in great physical condition." Marshana essentially wants a pony, but not a Shetland. Interestingly, she later says of Stacey: "She is riding my last nerve like a pony."

Of course Stacey (drunk grad student, gave Rocky her panties) was threatening to cut everyone like my neighbor Dennis that first episode: "If you don't remember my f*ing panties, you are f*ing dead. *scizzor re-enactment* I am going to kill all those girls and their families." Girl, if you want someone to remember your panties, stop buying them at Wal-Mart. But give me a minute to call the police before you go anywhere else.

Okay, so next we have a "drama clip" of rugby, Marshana telling everyone to "walk off," Ashlee the singer/songwriter acting like a puppytard, Marshana crying to the camera "please pick me pick me," Robin being all dramatic about girls never liking her, and Kelly saying "if I were a dude...."

And then we have Robin in the "hot seat." Which requires her to stand up. It is at this point that we sense loyal reader and ocassional germaphobe MHa gasping and reaching for the lysol, as we suddenly discover that there will, in fact, be nothing between Robin and the seat, so short is her dress. "I have been hurt a lot more by women than by men," says she, "which is maybe why I acted the way I did [and now must grind my ladybits into this chair that you will have to sit on next, bitches]." This is a game, you see. A game of love. (yes, she said it). And she "didn'tthinkshe'deverbeenhatedbefore. Maybeit was adefensemechanism. Shefeltlikeshewasbeingattacked" in the house. We don't think she could have talked any faster or prevented her head from spinning just a little, but we sincerely doubt that she has not been despised by womankind before.

So sayeth Cari, the church lady who bit a beer can in half: "We were all just looking to be loved." Unfortunately for Cari, she is not going to be getting any of that so long as she is wearing the triangles she stole from the church Nursery School instrument box and crafted into earings. And also, Robin will never be loved by Kelly, who says, "if I were a dude....you just aren't my type."

But really, it's all about Marshana - and not Robin - in the end. "You were abrasive," she explains, "and intentionally mean." And suddenly she is in the hot seat (ha ha ha ha nice work, Robin), and lipsynching along with clips of Marshana's Six Commandments, forged in the furnace of Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth:

1. You WILL not hustle me.
2. I WILL put you in your place.
3. Do NOT be condescending to me.
4. Because I WILL not have it.
5. I DID not create this.
6. You are dismissed.

We consider putting these on a plaque in our office.

The last one came when Robin tells her that she didn't handle the pressure in the house very well. But of course, having just told the world (plus the 40 women and 1 man at the taping) that she is a Strong Woman and was not a Victim, she then "knew" she had a "bullseye on her head" when she came home with the rose after a date, blah blah. As we have no patience for women who talk about how strong they are just so they can talk about themselves a little longer, we aren't going to write any more about this as a Matter of BNU Policy.

Ok, but, and since Chris Harrison asked, if Kelly" were a dude....?" Kelly's all, "no."

And finally, it is Amanda in the hot seat. We are happy to report that while totally unflattering and also like a crimped lampshade, her dress is at least long enough not to pick anything up off of Robin's chair. We relive Amanda's "journey" and her Hall-Of-Bachelor-Fame exit (Matt, you are a douchebag). We decide to forgive her dress. Really, there is nothing to report here except that she is totally classy, smart, and probably just dodged the biggest bullet in her life.

And then we have Matt. We know that he has been spending too much time in the U.S. watching QVC, as he has shaved his entire head and is now growing out all facial and head hair at the same time like a chia pig. He feels everyone's comments were very fair. He is engaged and happy. He ditched Amanda because she said he "liked" him but not "loved" him (stupid impatient prick). He thought he had more of a chance of love with Chelsea and Shayne. And he holds up the granny panties that Stacey suddenly gives him (because she's "not ordinarily like that") with a sense of pride.

And then we all have to watch a montage of his "journey" with Shayne and Chelsea, beginning with Chelsea taking her undies off underneath her crochet dress on the overnight date. Ew.

As we fade to credits, we watch a few bloopers, which are actually kind of awesome.

Cari: "I am sweet as sugar."
Bachelor Staff Person: "You're a swedish hooker?"

Stay tuned for next week, when we all know that he is going to get engaged to Shamalama, but we will watch anyway.

KLo