Rocky Part 7: Douchebag

When this viewer was young, we thought it was completely awesome to pull our pants waisteband up to our armpits and wander around the house annoying our mother, hunchbucket-style. Little did we know that we were Fashion Forward.

Shayne of the Llamas bursts into Episode 7 wearing a swimsuit coverup rolled down to below her jubblies, which she has covered with black tape and string. Fortunately, she is wearing a huge hat, so that the question "is that nipple?" will remain shrouded in shady mystery for time memorial. She is holding platform espadrilles, which is perfectly understandable. If I were to put my boobs on a black-skirted shelf wrapped in gaffe tape, I would certainly want that shelf to be a pedestal.

So here she is for Overnight Date #1 on the lovely island of Barbados, where Matt is feeling like the "luckiest guy" because these dates are "longer and more intimate." Hoping to inspire such intimacy, Matt shows the viewing audience his crack as this duo races around on waverunners. And then we see S-Llama's swimsuit. Omg. There is a slit. From B to shining B. And also, down to her bits and all toe associated therewith. Two little strings hold the pieces together across her chest/stomach/ladybits like little dividers marking off the kiddie pool and "deep end." And do you know what she does in this suit? Split jumps on a raft. ABC makes us watch from a suitable distance.

But then this is our issue (and yes, we have only one): the only thing worse than a smart woman pretending to be dumb is a genuinely dumb woman. "Do they have palm trees in London?" asks she. "'cause they do in California." Rocky later tells her that he thinks she knows the answers to these questions and is just playing dumb, and gee, he has a degree in politics and how would she feel about discussing them. And she says, "I can be po-li-ti-cal...wait, is that how you say that word?"

But that is a conversation that happens at dinner, to which she wears another dress channeling Mila Jovovich in the Fifth Element of Ace Bandagetude on top. So we learn that Shayne has been "blonde since age 12 or 13." We also learn how to screen kiss, in which your head goes one way, your shoulders go another, and then you wiggle your top lip (but no tongue). We decide to practice when we get home. And finally, we learn that she could be his "monkey." Ok, is that a "monkey" as in stuffed-pink-animal-wrapped-around-valentines-day-vase or "monkey" as in disease-and-antigen-carrying-beast-that-must-be-shot-down-in-the-backyard-by-a-dart-thrown-by-Dustin-Hoffman-and/or-Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-to-save-the-world-from-an-outbreak? Because we think it would be completely awesome.

Anyway, of course they decide to use the fantasy suite, where Shayne squeels over the rose petals on the floor, they confess their love to each other (well, he says "falling for," which is total crapweaselness, but whatever), and it all fades to black as they make out in the hot tub.

So Date #2 is the next day with Amanda. He greets her by yelling "lookin' hot" -- from which we cut to Amanda pouring out her love to the camera about how he could be the One for her. And therein lies the difference between us and Amanda: if some dude screamed that we were "lookIN" hot in our madras shorts and tank top from 200 feet away, we would think him more like a driveby ogler ("hey mamee.") than The One. But whatever.

Both Amanda and Rocky are afraid of heights, so they decide to zipline together. This is really unexciting as the zip line is not fast at all and he keeps calling her "honey," which is also what he called Shayne and will later call Chelsea. So we will skip this part for dinner, where Amanda admits that she has a problem expressing emotions but that she really likes him and feels like he is the one for her. She says "like" about 20 times, but we are not going to mock her because she is trying and we do not mock trying. Except we HAVE to say something about this little monologue:

"I was nervous that he wouldn't give it to me. So I was really excited that he pulled it out and offered it."

Did YOU think she was talking about the Fantasy Suite card??? This date fades into crashing waves as he "cradles her," (in the words of KMu) on the porch and her dress is completely up to her bits.

Date #3 with Chelsea begins with the sun rising over ... guns on the beach. This is not a good sign. Chelsea and Matt are going to take a catamaran out on the ocean, except that there is completely no chemistry between them and she doesn't even hug him hello. They have awkward conversation about the size of the island. He tries to hold her hand and she's like, "eeeeewwwww, our fingers crossed." (I am not making this up). Chirp.

chirp.

So they go swimming with the sea turtles. To the tune of "can you feel the love tonight," we see Matt. ......... The turtle. Matt ... The Turtle. Matt holding the turtle's shell and swimming together. He says, "I had more eye contact with the turtle through goggles and a mask than I had with Chelsea all day." We wonder if it is possible for Matt to give the turtle the Fantasy Suite card. By the end of the day (again, sunset over guns on the beach), Chelsea and Matt are not even talking to each other as they ride back into shore.

By this point, Matt doesn't even want to go to dinner. If she doesn't feel it, says he, then she should just tell him and it would be fine. He just doesn't want the act. So OF COURSE she tells him no no on I'm just having a hard time because there are all these other women and I haven't been myself but I will try. And OF COURSE this makes him "so happy" because its "what he's been waiting to hear" and blah blah they go to the fantasy suite. In which she says, "I have a surprise for you."

"I have a surprise for you" never really means a surprise on the Bachelor. A surprise is "hey, I used to date Eliot Spitzer." Or "hey, I am a dude." But on the Bachelor, it only means one thing: "I am going to objectify myself is some really predictable way that will also involve some sort of crochet."

Exhibit A: Chelsea slips into another room, where she
1) drops trou
2) as ABC does a slow pan up her backside, stopping at the white knickers that say "pretty" in little sequins
3) puts on a black crochet floor-length dress of some sort
4) through which we can see both skin and knickers
5) and then removes said knickers and tosses them on the bed.

OMG, she is now pantsless, crocheted, and banking on her omnipresent tan to prevent all of us from seeing every single inch of secret lady flesh or at least recognizing it if we do. And then she puts her feet up on the sofa in front of him. We do not even know what to say.

But Matt does: "This was an awesome date. Now it's going to be a difficult decision tomorrow."

And so we have the rose ceremony, to which Matt wears flip flops and picks:
1. Shayne
2. Chelsea.

And suddenly, we know how this is going to end. If he picks Chelsea, it is going to be like that dude that picked Helene and is still single because they never clicked but he just thought she was pretty. And if he picks Shayne (which he will because they look like each other), he will date her for a few months and slowly realize that yes, she really is that stupid. He will then dump her and be single, pining after Amanda as the Only Decent One That He Let Go.

Except Amanda will not have him back, because she called him a douchebag on national television when he walked her out to the car. hahahahhahaa, Amanda, we salute you.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All.

KLo