Rocky Part 6: We are Now Scared Of Amanda

Here we are at episode 6, in which the women take Rocky home, and we do not even know what to say. Has the Bachelor Lost Its Magic? Or are we still stunned from Robin and Barney kissing in How I Met Your Mother? There is certainly something strange in the water.

Fortunately, Shayne of the Llama saves us with a home visit to LA. Surprise surprise, the Llamas' parents are divorced, so we must meet dad and then mom. Meeting #1 (with dad) is at a random empty restaurant in which Shayne demands Matt have some cheese and hear a "story" about her only taking one man home to meet her parents, and then practices how to say her last name (Llaaama? Lamaze? Llahmazzzzz). And then we see him: THE head Lllama. Lorenzo.


LoLla, in a black turtleneck, black jeans, and black belt, is certainly an Actor who knows it. And he totally throws Shayne under the bus: "My daughter is important to me, and so are her feelings. She is a daredevil and wants to be on television. She wants to be a good actress, but she wants to be a star more, and thought that being on television would make her a star." S-llama gets all pissed and says back off dad, I am here for the boy. And LoLla says good, he was just "checking" (i.e. let me bait you and embarrass you on television and then say "you're my big girl" in a creepy freshman 15 kinda way.) Matt confesses to LoLla that the connection between Shayne and him just "works." There are tears between the Llamas and hugs and Shayne says she could not have imagined it going so "beautifully."

So let's recap: Girl brings boy home. Dad says she's in it for the wrong reasons. Girl says "you don't KNOW me, dad." Dramatic montage of her sitting and glaring as Dad does same. Boy reassures Dad that his intentions are sincere. Dad and daughter reconcile. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Thank God for the Llamas: now I don't have to watch that Lifetime Original Movie " I Dated an Actor and It Was All Drama."


But then it is time to go to Mom's house. ..... okay, this is really hard to say because we actually like Shayne's mom Michelle more than probably any of the other parents on this show, but you know Janice on the Muppet Show? Holy collagen, batman. She's planted collagen in AT LEAST the front 40 acres. Her tank top is straining. Her lips are like a swollen circle outlined in dark pink by someone with a tremor. She lives in a house Shayne bought for her and that is entirely covered in leopard print, has two snow-white purse dogs (one wearing a tutu and the other shaved like a lion), and has a pillow that says "So many men, so few who can afford me." Matt says he "digs" this place, and it's all coming together....the love for George Michael, the penchant for leopard print. Oh, and we also meet Shayne's sister Dakota, who looks about 15 years old and is a total pretend hippie (she is wearing a leather headband, which we *know* is uncomfortable from our own former pretend hippie days).


But this is the thing: these people are completely awesome. Michelle makes roast beef and yorkshire pudding, shows him this pretty amazing video of Shayne doing a tap dance/tumbling routine as a kid, and talks about how proud she is of Shayne. Dakota asks Shayne if she is in love in that really sweet way that only a 15-year-old pretend hippie can do, and well, we just LIKE these people. We are sort of sad to see it end, as is Matt. He admits that he "had Shayne all wrong" and that he is falling for her really hard. We still think he has the wrong temperament to continue dating an actress, but I guess he'll figure that out in his 15 minutes of fame after this show.


But then we are off to Date #2 in Durango Colorado with Chelsea. Thank god he is wearing a leather jacket *with* a proper collar this time. Chelsea is all nervous about bringing a man home "with whom I "could" fall in love with (reminiscent to Shayne's response to Dakota: "I don't love him yet, but could.") and we are distracted because she has a ginormous bits slit in her top. And once again, the coy mystery that once was the "keyhole top" has become "someone kicked a hole in the door."


Anyway, we meet mom Addie and dad Carrie. Dad asks some good questions over dinner about whether Matt is there for the 25 women or there for the 1, and Matt reassures Dad that he wants to settle down. Dad then pulls Chelsea aside and asks how she *really* feels and she's like, "Well, I didn't want to like him but now I do," and dad is like, "well have you told him?" And, typical Chelsea (I hate holding hands/shows of affection) is like, "uh, not really. I guess I need to do a better job of that." Meanwhile, Matt is confessing to mom that he didn't know if Chelsea like him precisely because she's so reserved with her affections. So all this leads to a big make-out session by the minivan before Matt gets hauled away at the end of the date, and that's all we see.

In general, we conclude that 1) ABC totally skimped on this date, and 2) Chelsea is the wrong person for Matt because her unwillingness to PDA is going to frustrate him (as a PDA fan). Call me Oracle, for I speak the truth (but do not chain smoke or bend spoons).

Date #3 is also in Colorado, with Noelle in Loveland. How this London Bachelor ended up with two chicks from Colordo is kind of funny. We, too, recognize the longing to have 2.5 dogs, healthy hair, and wear North Face all the time, but alas, it is not to be. And this is apparently not that part of Colorado, as Matt drives up in the back of a truck with hay bales to meet Noelle in a midriff-bearing sweater. Okay, so we like Noelle. But the midriff-bearing sweaters must go. One wrong wash and that sucker is a turtleneck dickie.

Matt is also the second guy to meet Noelle's family, as he was with both Chelsea and Shayne. We wonder if the first guy was Andy Baldwin, international man of mystery, or perhaps Alex Michelle, the Bachelor who slept with all of Season One. But we do not have our questions answered, as we meet dad Larry, mom Theresa, and sisters Alyssa and Rachel. Once again, we really like this family because they are just so normal. And also because one of the sisters has a nose ring.

This date is sort of like a slow and subtle crash and burn. Matt's horse stops carrying him as he saunters up to meet the family. Dad has him play horseshoes and then asks what sort of person would do a show like this. At dinner, Matt informs mom "I'm flexible. I can get my legs over my head as well." And Noelle is sitting on his lap in a log pile (literally) and kissing him while they are riding horses side by side, and we all know that these things are REALLY uncomfortable and that she must not feel very much like herself to be doing them and so she should just stop. And then the sisters pull Matt aside and ask if he is falling in love with people, if it's more than one, and if Noelle is one of those people....and Rocky sort of hesitates. I mean, nothing freakity happens on this date and these people are nice, but no. Just no. As Rocky drives off, Noelle says she hopes it's not too late for them, and we secretly hope it is because they just don't click like that.

And then we are onto Date #4 in Tallahassee Florida with Amanda. And OMG, she has hired actors to play her parents because how funny would it be to completely prank him and make him look like an ass as Amanda's fake mom comes on to him like Mrs. Robinson. "I think this shows Matt that I have a good sense of humor." Yes, Amanda, so ha ha I hope you don't take it the wrong way when I call up your boss and tell her you quit because you stole a bunch of property and are in jail ha ha aha because it's all in good fun and I'm sure you can get your job back ha ahahaha. We watch this portion of Part 6 through our fingers, we am so mortified.

Predictably, fake mom laughs freakishly and inappropriately:
Matt: "I am the youngest of five boys"
Fake mom: "MWahahahahahahaha"
Fake dad wants to know if they have been "intimate physically." Fake Mom unbuttons her sweater and shoves her thinly-veiled-by-sundress jubblies into Matt's lap, rubs his chest ("that's my nipple," says Matt), tries to kiss him, and asks if he is a "good boy."

We want to DIE. Finally, FINALLY Amanda puts an end to this, has him meet her real parents, and then drags him upstairs to chat in a bedroom curiously lit by candles, and we are done. Matt says he is impressed by what Amanda did and that she really got him good and that he doesn't care if it was at his expense because it was a great prank. But we actually think he's a little pissed. And we are just scared. Move over Marshana, 'cause Amanda is in town.

And finally it is Short Dress day for the Rose Ceremony, and why on earth is Shayne standing so awkwardly posed with a hand on her hip. He picks:

1. Shayne (who is wearing a "Toy" brand watch, just like KMu's sister Princess Sparkle -- KMu informs me--only in white instead of pink like PS. We thought it was a real toy because we know nothing about fashion.).
2. Amanda, and......
3. Chelsea.

Noooooo Noelle goes home. He drags her out to the bench and says she is incredible but that this whole scenario of meeting people is probably not the best for her. And we have to agree and thank him for sending her home. But we still feel bad as she says in the limo that this is not the first time she's been in this position and that putting up walls is a real problem for her.

Stay tuned for next week, when Matt "is falling in love with three women at the same time."

"Maybe he should move to San Angelo," says PMu.

And with that thought, we leave you.

KLo