Rocky Part Finale: A Horse is a Horse, of Course

You know what, Chelsea? One day, you are going to look back on the bouffant ponytail updo thing and be all embarrassed that you EVER thought looking like a horse was hot. I bet you cover that poof with a folder when the fire alarm goes off at school and you are forced to wait outside in the drizzle. And I bet you tease your bangs before combing them over to form the perfect puffity sweep into your ponytail. AND I bet you hairspray the poof all day long, praying that it won't go flat.

That's right, we Ladies of the '80s have got your number, honey, and no "I've seen it in High Fashion" pathetic-ass excuse is going to save you from the cold hard reality that you have got Mall Bangs, part 2008. So save yourself. You are not Mr. Ed. Even if you can unhinge your jaw.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by the staff of the BNU. Remember kids, Hairline Before Equine.

And so begins the Finale, in which we all know what happens. First, Chelsea goes to visit Rocky in England. She has the pony, etc etc. She is also not helping herself with the huge white prayer shawl (mosel tov, Chelsea), worn inappropriately with the pony and long earrings. He takes her up in a bubble to stare at the London skyline, they kiss in the bubble, Cher arrives wearing a bad blonde wig and tells him that she will always love him, her only son.... oh wait, wrong movie. Did we mention we hate Chelsea's hair?

But soon we meet Matt's parents, dad Tony, mom Trish, and brother Simon. We completely heart Trish and forgive Simon his skinny skinny little art beard. We do not understand the art beard and its "country roads dividing the field from 30,000 feet up" airplane couture. And also, what if he misses and shaves a bit of the road? Dead ends are never good.

ANYWAY, they all laugh about "wallys" which yes we understand are rain boots ha ha. Chelsea is grilled by Trish, and admits that she puts a sense of humor above all else in a mate, that she's guarding herself because she doesn't want to get hurt, etc. She is awkward and knock-kneed. Coltish, one might say. Matt says he "adores you, honey" when kissing goodbye, and for the love of god, her hair must go away.

Off we are on London, part Shamalama. Shayne of the Llamas shows up for a double decker bus ride to Matts' family residence. We totally hate to admit this, but we are jealous of her little taffeta skirt and jacket combo. We secretly plan to shock our work establishment (omg, Klo wore a skirt) someday with said taffetaness. Except then we must get rid of our 10 year old clogs because nothing says "Not With Taffeta" like clogs one must color with a felt-tip to pretend they are still leather. Okay, we scrap the taffeta idea altogether. But mostly, we are distracted by the following:
Sllama: "Ooo, I can't believe this is home to you! It's like a movie or something!"
KMu: "As opposed to L.A., which is so authentic."

Soon, Shayne is spilling wine on herself, telling dad Tony that she is 12 when he asks how old she is (ok, props for that one) and, um, actually handling herself pretty well. By the end, Simon has to confess in that heartwrenchingly honest way that only gay men or straight ones that live across the ocean from this viewer could possibly do: "I made assumptions about you, and I was wrong. You grew on me. You don't shy away from an answer, and I appreciate that." Shayne earns even more props by telling Simon, "If you didn't grill me, what are you here for?" And then more by telling her mother that both of her parents have been married multiple times and that she does not want that for herself. You know Sllama, you're all right.

So now it's family time. Matt admits he feels most at ease with Shayne, but most "passionate" with Chelsea. *cough*CROCHET*cough. The house is divided, as Simon believes Shayne is more genuine, but that Matt would be better with Chelsea, whereas Tony thinks the opposite. Ooooo.

And viola, we are back in Barbados, where Matt is watching Chelsea walk towards him as she desperately does a "pick-n-pull" of her clearly-too-short shorts. He "wants to blindfold her..." Ok, what? And this is where it gets really irritating. He takes her to a helicopter, and she squeals like a schoolgirl, and then she just keeps on squealing: "Oh, this is the coooooolest thing I've EVER done!!! Wow, what IS this place? Oh, this is the BEST!" Girl, it is a helicopter ride to a secluded beach, just like on every single season of the Bachelor. So stop being a stupid mooncalf and let ABC get a shot of you squatting in Matt's arms in the water as he shows his crack to the world. Thank you.

The sun fades dramatically into the Hilton Hotel sign, where Chelsea and Matt now sit cuddled on the sofa and she has another "surprise" for him. We think ohgodcrochet and dearlordladybits, but fortunately, it's just a survival kit with things she'd like to show him in California: cereal for breakfast in bed, a map, surf wax. Because you see, Chelsea is "like a brochure." On the "front cover, you see fun! sports! competitive." But "on the inside, you see caring! soft!"

Believe me, gentle readers, this is NOT the worst analogy to which this viewer has born witness. And I quote: "My grandmother, she is like an old worn out bra. And when I stoop, she rests on my back, assuring me of her presence." Sparrowgrass Poetry Forum. True story.

But back to Chelsea. She is now telling Matt that she doesn't really feel like you can truly love a person unless they have the capacity to love you back. Which we think is sort of dumb because isn't that most relationships at some point? But whatever, he assures her he is falling in love with her and is everything he's always wanted. They kiss goodbye and we are on to the next date.

Shayne of the Llamas has attacked Rocky from behind as he waits for her on the beach. She is, according to Matt, "Like a little monkey. When she cuddles me, it's like a monkey holding on." And you know, we are not throwing stones at that one because we still sleep holding our Ewok's hand when we are heartbroken. But we ARE going to criticize the sunglasses. Yogurt container-size sunglasses may be totally awesome right now, but let's all just remember that such things inevitably go the way of overalls worn backwards. And we are also going to reject the skreetchity "oooo, parasailing, I'm so scared!!!!," which ultimately gave way to this moving soliloquey:

"Being so far far up in the air and looking out. It's like being an angel flying in the sky. I was floating and dreaming... dreaming of the Man that I Love getting down on his knee and asking me to marry him. I want Matt forever. I love him. I am. Just. Ready."

Ok, Roma"I am an Angel, sent by God" Downey. And to think that Sllama got her start on soap operas.

So once again the night fades into the Hilton Hotel, and now Shayne is in Rocky's lap and he's rubbing her butt. Surprise surprise, she has a gift for him too. And "this is the most amazing gift you will ever receive from me in our entire relationship" says she. And we know she speaks the truth when she gives him photographs of her in a bikini writing "I Love You" in the sand on the beach because sugar, it ain't gonna get better with age.

Matt says she is the "warmest, kindest, most genuine person I have met."
Shayne says, "but how do you like my present?"
sigh.

And suddenly, it the Last Rose Ceremony and Engagement Nail Biter!!! Rocky is picking out a ring that is pretty but not practical, and the women are getting ready. And we like Chelsea's makeup, but dammit it's the horse updo again, and why is she now wearing a collar and also why does her dress have a slit up the front??? But more importantly, why has Shayne decided to wear all of her hair in a bad comb over? We do not know, because now the first limo is pulling up and oh oh oh who will it be???? We pretend to be curious, but we really aren't because....

It's Chelsea, which we totally figured out like, 5 episodes ago. But this is our issue: Rocky gives her a better speach than he gives the Llama. He never thought he would meet someone like her. He really "found" the real Chelsea in Las Vegas. He's come here to find his lifelong partner....and it isn't her, sister. And then Chelsea, whom we feel bad for despite hair sins past and present, says she thought it was going to be her, and that she thought she had gotten the go-ahead to open up to him, and that (ooooooh, SNAP) the Llama is the "falsest person here." Yes, and we all think that last comment is a little unfortunate because Matt pretty much is getting engaged to said Llama in about 5 minutes. So naturally, he shuts her down.

And now here comes the Llama. And we like her dress okay, but we don't understand the comb over. Or the little monologue playing as she walks: "I have never had my heart in a man's hands like this before." Okay, she is 22 years old.

So he does his whole speech, which this viewer (and also KMu) thinks totally sounds like the "you aren't the one" speech: "I came here to find a soul mate. You are the warmest, most genuine person. You have such big brown eyes. I thought, 'this is too good to be true.' There has been laughter. Fun. Kisses. MONKEY. You will always be there for me, and I for you." blah blah and then he proposes, "Monkey, will you marry me."

And off we go with a series of stagey "Matt. Matt. Matt." exclamations from the Llama and some obviously rehearsed "I will marry you on one condition: that you not look at any other women again." sort of line, and mercifully, we are done.

Oh, the Romance.

Stay tuned for next week, when Double D is back in the Bachelorette!!!!!

KLo