Double D Part 1: Robin Hood

Dum dala dum dala dum rawhide!!!! Hiyaaaaaa!!!!!!!! We love Double D, and we love that she is back to find True Love, but sweet Jesus what hath ABC done. Our special two-hour season opening begins with gay male stripclub music as we meet the guys the network believes are worthy of the D. And we weep for her, we really do, as we meet:

1. Chandler the insurance rep.
2. Greg the personal trainer, who is "bringin' a lotta energy to this" as he does frantic pushups on the hotel floor.
3. Jesse "the government is giving away free money!" informercial snow boarder with his crazy pink and green silly stringed jacket
4. Chris of the medical sales and so wholly manscaped eyebrows that we can draw them with our mad computer skillz: l=l l=l
5. Patrick D, "sompin's gonna go down. someone's gonna call the cops. All da guys are gonna be fightin' for her."
6. Twillie (we are not making this up) "my only fighting position is the fetal position" debt manager from OK.
7. Sean a.k.a. Joey Buttafuoco the martial arts instructor. Ok, you know the late Brady bunch episodes in which Carol grows her hair? Holy mullet, batman. He is "in it to win it."

8. And then it happens. We, gentle readers, are in love for the First Time In Six Years of Bachelor Viewing History. And his name is Richard. Richard the Science Teacher. And we love him (all of us). Le sigh.

9. Ron, who owns the barber shop called..... "Soul Patch" and has on his face....you guessed it.
10. Luke the Oyster Farmer.
11. Jon the resort manager with bleach blonde hair that he takes forever to do each morning and also about 35 nipples on his shirtless chest. We notice this last bit during the shaving Man-tage of faces and skinny little beards and patches and .... chests. Okay, men. Don't do that. Just don't. Especially if you have 35 nipples.
12. Jeremy the real-estate attorney who concludes that "Deanna is my unicorn." Dude, you are my jack's ass.
13. Ryan the pro football player. And here we must pause. Though we are frequently cruel and heartless, we are not without the baby Jesus in our lives. But we are pretty sure that said baby did not intend for a sheep of his Flock to go announcing his virginity before anyone asks. AND ALSO, while Ryan's "god and he go in the fields together" as they "walk andtalk like good friends often do," we are pretty sure that means TALKING and not bleating hymns off-key at the piano. That is all.
14. Jason, the single dad financial analyst from Washington, whom we first despise because he claims to be "perfection" for the D and then we heart because he is so good with his son.
15. Jeffrey the math teacher. Oh my, we will take him if Richard doesn't work out. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US???

And apparently, that is all ABC is going to show us of the 25 as it is Deanna's turn. We can't decide if we like her dress. It is gold lame, which is sort of bold and shiny, yet also has pillow cording down the front vee and a big gold lame flower at the waist. As she sits down for a fireside chat with Chris Harrison, we admire her posture. But really what choice does she have; she is one slump away from Girls Gone Wild.

And after convincing us all that She Means Business and has total faith in the system, she takes her place outside on the steps and the limos start to come in. So in addition to the gents above, we further meet:

16. Brian the Texas football coach who awkwardly says " Until this moment, I wasn't sure why I was doing this show." Augh.
17. Paul of Canada, who - equally awkwardly - turns her so that they start their first dance off "good." Men, though shalt not shave thy chests and thou shall use proper grammar. I mean, really is it too much to ask?
18. Graham, the pro ball player. We know we are supposed to like him, but he seems to have zinc oxide on his lips and that is freakity.
19. Spiro, the California actor with seriously crazy eyes. If Beaker and Animal had little muppet cross-breeds, we would have Spiro.
20. Brian the network consultant from Indiana who does ANOTHER twirl (oh oh oh we are embarrassed)
21. Donato, the post-op tranny. Donato twirls himself. then her. He is also wearing a pink button down with floral inseam and most of the buttons undone.
22. Eric the financial analyst (another one). Nothing says "restraining order" like this guy. We don't like him and his "you good? You good?" powerspeak and manhandling ways.
23. Chandler, who will be "callin' on" Deanna later (ok, that's kinda sweet).
24. Fred "da Bears" Chicago southside attorney.
25. Robert the chef.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, we have our Top 25. Fortunately, we need not wait too long for the Swimsuit Competition (foreshadowing, babies).

Off we go to the races. Showing he is all flash and not so much brain, Spiro/Beakimal remarks that Double D is a "beautiful, beautiful greek girl." Fortunately, Jeremy the real-estate attorney gets the first of three "first impression roses" and not Beakimal. Jason the single dad swoops in for the first steal of the evening, as Jesse the snowboarder remarks, "dude, he got some 1:1 action." Ryan the football player goes for #2 as he takes D outside to "snuggle." Sayeth KMu: "save some room for the Holy Ghost." Unfortunately, he also 1) steals most of the blanket and 2) doesn't give her his jacket, the latter of which causes Beakimal to interrupt as he brings her his own coat. The Beak later tells Ryan, "dude, you totally crashed and burned."

Mr. Soul Patch announces that he got divorced two years earlier, which definately throws Deanna off (though not enough, as we later learn, probably because he sort of looks like Alan Thicke/Billy Ray Cyrus). And then Robert decides to cook for D. This is Rule #3 in our List of ComManMents: Though shalt not grandstand. We don't care if you can whip up crabdip at a moments notice. A cocktail party with 25 other men is not the time and will only lead one to conclude, as does Donato/Donata, "You gave her crabs." The tranny is convinced s/he is going to get a rose, "no doubt." The Oyster Farmer is definately grooving on Forest Gump as he talks about how farming is just something he does before he teaches. "Momma always said that life is like an oyster. You never know if there's a pearl inside. " Of course, he does give her a lovely pearl necklace, so we like him.

And then we have the Big Surprise: It's Jennie, the other woman scorned by Brad Womack! She has come to help Deanna, and we totally heart her and her little black book of comments. We know that this would be KMu: "What are your intentions with my friend? Let me see your teeth." So she starts interviewing the boys, including Donato/Donata, who suggests that the J sit on his lap. Ew.

But we almost miss this, so ecstatic are we that Richard the Science Teacher has gotten 1:1 time with Deanna! And he has brought her a herkimer diamond. And we love his nerdiness as he explains it to D. We will not throw stones as our Person of Significance *might* have made us a flower out of metal using the milling machine he is building. But we WILL throw stones at Eric the Greek, Brian of Indiana who flashes his abs like, three times and makes Deanna feel them even though it makes her all weird and awkward, and Chandler, who calls Deanna to him with a Duck Call. There is nothing, NOTHING that will save a boy who does that, except in comparison to the Oyster farmer, who told her she was pretty when Deanna asked him to tell her something funny.

And finally, we must refute, once and for all, that Jesse the snowboarder is "not like a square." and that's he's "a triangle." The only perfect triangle ever seen by this viewer is JoMa, 8th grade crush and perfect specimin of triangular manliness about whom, as the original "Triangle Man," many odes were written and many a Study Hall note was passed detailing the events of the hour ("he reads his book. He looks at the clock. He writes. He looks at the clock."). We have it on good authority that he now runs a construction business in our hometown, where he has been known to make certain of our friends stand at the kitchen window in slackjaw wonder at the muscleyness with which he pours cement driveways.

But we digress.

We also decide we love Jesse (though not like JoMa) for this little exchange: Sean Buttafuoco decides he's "gonna show Deanna the Robin Hood. I don't normally go kickin' lemons off people's heads, but I need the attention here." So he makes Jesse stand with a glass on his head, and a lemon on the glass. Says Jesse, "I'm gonna kick you in the nuts five times if you miss."
And then later, in the play by play of what we all just witnessed (my eyes, oh my eyes), Jesse says: "He was all ** BAM** and I was like, "ooo, I almost poo'd my pants, dude."

For that, Jesse gets the second "first impression" rose.

And now Greg the Personal Trainer has gone all 'roids and is seriously batshit: "I will GO through the fire. I will TAKE that suffering. I WILL get that rose." But Paul of Canada has upped the anti, jumping in the pool in like, 30 degree weather and then stripping down to underwear that says "Deanna" on the butt. "Good lord, my name is on the back of this boy's booty," says Deanna. We heart her. We also heart whatever guy says to Paul post-dip, "You got some shrinkage, dude. You better shut that jacket."

Graham has 1:1 time with Deanna as Paul is buttoning up (for the love, won't this episode ever end.) And we try to appreciate him because Deanna seems so smitten, but he is an investor in bars right now, and in the process of "starting up a charity...for children.....children with Illnesses....like a scholarship fund." And I'm sure he'd like to help all the people in The Iraq get maps as well. Oh, but he wears rubberbands around his wrist because, when he was a kid, he read "a" book and the hero wore rubberbands to remind him to do what he always wanted to do. Sort of like, oh, LANCE ARMSTRONG?

But then, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles....Richard the Science Teacher gets the third and final "First Impression" rose. Yay!! The heavens have opened and angels are rejoicing. Says Beakimal, "Richard came outta nowhere!!!" We take that as a good sign, as the other guys weren't like, "that ass."

Finally, finally, it is time for Deanna to deliberate. And she chooses (in addition to the three dudes already with roses)
1. Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thicke
2. Graham zinc oxide lips
3. Eric the Greek
4. Robert the cook (noo)
5. Sean Buttafuoco (WHAT????)
6. Ryan of the virgin tonedefness
7. Chris
8. Paul of Canada
9. Fred Da Bears
10. Twilley (I mean, wtf at this point)
11. Jason single-dad
12. Brian the Texas football coach.

Nooooooo, she didn't pick Jeffrey OR the oyster farmer! But we are mostly freaked out by Greg, who goes down in flames of glory saying: "I want to be with Deanna. Fuck that. I am a PRINCE among men. **rips shirt off*** YEAH, ya'll I miss that. I am a WILD MAN. The Coyotes!!!! Ahooooo.....AHOOOOOOOO."

Stay tuned for next week, when it really couldn't get much worse.

KLo